The cool yet warming climate of the increasingly fracked-up blogosphere
Controversy continues to rage throughout the unscientific community about whether the blogosphere is under severe danger of hot stones being thrown from glass houses, global freezing-out by everyone from Rupert Murdoch and Theresa May to Mario Draghi and Angela Merkel, or an intra-terrestrial attack on David Icke from sane people dressed as lizards.
Because everyone is absolutely right about everything relating to this dispute all the time, data collection remains problematic. But so far it seems pretty clear that Mario Draghi is a lounge lizard pouring cold water on truth wherever he finds it, Wolfgang Schäuble’s hot gossip has resulted in his own personal ozone layer hole, and the biggest single contributor to blogosphere freezing is Rupert Murdoch’s heart…plus of course the cold feet so often exhibited by politicians who decide to take him on.
The changing pattern of the Wolf Stream is of particular concern, given its propensity to cry a great deal during predictions of armageddon and apocalypse, or negotiations between the Chancellery and the Acropolis.
But equally disturbing is the now empirically proven rise in bollocks levels across the blogosphere. It is especially apparent in the Western Atlantic landfall area, where even once-trusted practitioners such as Reuter Bloomberg and Hero Sledge are flooding the land masses with wild theories about the imminent submersion of Greece as the new Atlantis. And off the continental shelf of Europe, bollocks levels are expected to be sufficiently high by 2016 to provide a permanent waterway between the sinking UK capital of Johnsongapore, and the Babel towers of Bankfart.
Things have become so serious, the lightweight floating island of Torynaffia in the tax-free English Channel has been established in order to syphon excess bollocks onto the United Kingdom. Founders Avid and Frauderick Sarklay say that, while they are generally satisfied with their success in spraying Tsunamis of bollocks harmlessly over the British population, “we must step up our efforts in order to crack down on rising levels of naked awareness – and thus not alarm sleeping Britons. They must Remain Asleep and Carry On”.
At the time of writing, one of the few exceptions to bollocks inundation is controversial Jihadist Iswotitisic State blogger Francis Coppolapoulus. However, being a lone singing lady who isn’t fat, she appears to be outnumbered by bollocks-deniers insisting that the Blogotanic is unsinkable.
Meanwhile, spin pollution continues to be an ecological worry for the blogosphere. “It’s a frackin’ plot by the frackin’ Illuminated Zionistical Elderly Boss Class,” suggested eminent blogger Karl-Kirk Topmarx, “an’ anyone ‘oo cannot see the fundamentally mental nature of frackin’ bourgeois laughing-cow coerced libertarian oppression involved ‘ere should be sent to a frackin’ political correction centre”.
Others are less certain about this, albeit only marginally less intolerant. One-time regular blogger and lifetime EU/Tory hater Conservative MEP Dan Hannan says we should “Get fracking”. He doesn’t mean we should bludgeon it to death, but rather that our objective should be to have a 100% fracked blogosphere by 2020…the year in which, as we know, some 14,570 political promises are due to come to fruition.
For myself, I struggle to keep my laptosphere defracked. It is part of my vain (and I am exceedingly vain) attempt to ensure that personal bp levels remain in the temperate climate zone.
The Slog 