“If you couldn’t make it up, then why not make something else up?” (G. Shapps)

I am shocked, delighted – nay, thrilled – to read the news of Britain’s plummeting exports. Yes, when it comes to the genius of British invention, no other nation on Earth can match Blighty in its ability to export plummetings to all the four corners of a Globe that used to be covered in the British Empire…..but is nevertheless still today reliant upon plummetings exported by us up to a century ago.

George Osborne himself told the Commons in his recent Budget, “I can today tell you that the export of British-made plummetings has paid off not only our US lend-lease debts and the entire cost of the Suez Canal, but also the Western media, to the extent that they’re prepared to regurgitate the utter sh**e I talk at the Despatch Box without any analysis whatsoever”.

Speaking from his eyrie 56 floors above the City of London, Mayor Doris Jobsdone took time out from manning a crowd-dispersing fire hose to tell The Slog, “Now look here you little oik, you can say what you like about bankers, Tim Yeo, Rebekah Brooks, Darius Guppy, Rupert Murdoch, Bob Diamond, Evangelos Venizelos and all the other high-minded friends to whom I am fiercely loyal, the fact remains that we lead the World in plummeting exports, and nobody – nobody mind you, so pay heed – can take that away from us”.

Financial experts define a plummeting as ‘a high net worth derivative contract guaranteed never to go up once you’ve bought it, but endlessly willing to go down on you when the need to sell arises’. The UK has built a staggering 73% market share of the plummeting sector, and it is on this rock-solid basis that the new Kingdom of Camerlot is based. With these unique product features in mind, Overseas Aid minister Grant Shapps this morning told an audience of migrant Singaporean destitutes that it was their “solemn duty and destiny” to go long in plummetings.

Tomorrow during Parliamentary PMQs, Britain’s Opposition Labour Party endorsed the Shapps call to action, but pointed out that plummeting exports “are no more than satisfactory”. Said acting Ed Miller bandleader Corvette Yooper, “We in the Labour Party fully accept that plummeting sales are good for Britain, but our output of Satis at the long-established Sunderland factory has declined despite the automation process that lost the hard-working, hard-pressed, hard-done-by and hard of hearing there 2,000 jobs in 1983 and this is completely unsatisfactory.”

Mrs Imelda Carcrash (UKIP, Thanet of the Apes) asked the Prime Minister in PMQs whether the workers at Sunderland would be made to pay for losing the 2,000 jobs, given it represented “a quite extraordinary level of carelessness”….and as a supplementary wondered if the Prime Minister knew what a satis was.

“I have to admit” said the ever-ebullient Sir Avid Cameldung, “that in 1983 I was four years old (loud laughter) and therefore find myself unaware of what a satis is”.

(Cries of “Shame!”, “Resign!” and “Satisist!” from the Opposition benches).

Mr Speaker Ferkov intervened to ask who had taught the benches opposite to shout silly things, as this was a gross infringement of Parliamentary privilege given it was the job of Opposition MPs to shout silly things, and then be told to shut up by him.

But Mr Frrrazzzer McOoochamdoomd (SNP, Thistle Rovers) recognised by the Speaker in his costomary hand-sewn ballgown, told the House “The satis is an ancient form of cushion used to spare the knees of those at prrrrrrrayerrrr in the Kirrrruuuk. I would not expect a bunch of ignorant lickspittle heathen Sassaenachs to understand this, but I remember well as a boy that”

At this point. Mr McOoochamdoomd was shot dead by Mr Noel Sowadid (DUP, Fickledonleary), thus fulfilling the prophecy of his surname. Speaker Ferkov ruled a clear case of justifiable homicide under the Parliamentary Do What You Like Act (1283), and asked the member for Krakatoa East (Independent, MI5) to ensure complete discretion.

Earlier at The Slog: Oiling the wheels of the Conservative Party Juggernaut


  1. John, apologies in advance for going OT but I am utterly furious.
    Your ‘friend’ Jeremy Hunt has today plumbed new lows, cynicism hypocrisy at levels I previously thought impossible.

    By imposing a cap on how much you can pay for agency nurses Hunt has completely exposed his rank incompetence and cynical derision for the department he runs. The reason agencies are able to charge ridiculous sums is that Hunt has cut the number of training places for nurses hence limiting supply whilst simultaneously demanding higher and higher standards of care (which is no bad thing – except it is merely box ticking where you sign off work that a quality member of staff would have done properly in the first instance).

    So Hunt, when hit with outrage over poor standards of care he increases demand and simultaneously strangles supply.
    Where has your free market principles gone Jeremy? – if a resource is scarce its price increases or did you skip Economics for dummies?
    There is little doubt that agency costs are an issue but Hunt singularly fails to take any responsibility for being the nexus that created the problem in the first instance.

    Is it any surprise that the core staff won’t do extra hours because they were forced into contracts where extra hours are paid only at their basic rate? The rank and file NHS employee has been systematically undermined and overburdened for too long. The agency issue is just a symptom of people waking up to the fact they can earn more and get more flexible working arrangements by working for an agency.

    I must apologise again to John for hijacking the thread but this lunatic Hunt is dangerous.


  2. FWIW. Japanese Yen going South this summer. Traditional Autumn Sterling crisis, as Osbo does nothing on July8 to control Landlord benefit(mistakenly called housing benefit), Sittingonthesofabenefitwatchingtelly ( aka. incapacity benefit),have asmanychildren asyoulike benefit ( commonly called child benefit), and Garry’s tax benefits system (the taxpayer encourages employers to pay crap wages,topped up by the taxpayer). Australia to beat England 5-0, with no Test going beyond 4 days. As a long shot, I have big money on Prince W being the next President of FIFA.


  3. Every reason to fear a weaker sterling in the months ahead……
    but the fundamentals are now such that the manufacturing base is now seriously flawed with unskilled low paid workers, and unskilled, largely female management who just don’t have the drive or the knowledge to get the goods to market.
    Even the training today is third rate. Any talent trains in the UK and then promptly emigrates, student debt and all.
    This is the world we live in folks….


  4. Why is it that our friends on holiday in the Greek Islands are being overrun with boats arriving from turkey bursting full of cheeky nignogs? Why can’t anyone today wear the trousers with pride , stand up, and tell them to f*ck back off to their own self made hell holes, and stop fornicating like rabbits on steroids…? What’s wrong with everyone today? Too frightened to piss their pants…..
    Needed saying..


  5. IP Right on .atypical psychopathic behaviour . Refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and blame everyone else for problems arising for their incompetence .


  6. @Uncle Rob “… and tell them to f*ck back off to their own self made hell holes…” Chaos in Libya and Syria is “self made” now is it? What an interesting take on recent U.S./Nato foreign policy. I had no idea the people of Libya and Syria had so much influence over Washington.


  7. Exports plummet, imports increase, liquidity in the economy collapses and deflations creeps in but up steps Carney and the BOE to save the day –>>> CTRL-P.


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