“If you couldn’t make it up, then why not make something else up?” (G. Shapps)

I am shocked, delighted – nay, thrilled – to read the news of Britain’s plummeting exports. Yes, when it comes to the genius of British invention, no other nation on Earth can match Blighty in its ability to export plummetings to all the four corners of a Globe that used to be covered in the British Empire…..but is nevertheless still today reliant upon plummetings exported by us up to a century ago.

George Osborne himself told the Commons in his recent Budget, “I can today tell you that the export of British-made plummetings has paid off not only our US lend-lease debts and the entire cost of the Suez Canal, but also the Western media, to the extent that they’re prepared to regurgitate the utter sh**e I talk at the Despatch Box without any analysis whatsoever”.

Speaking from his eyrie 56 floors above the City of London, Mayor Doris Jobsdone took time out from manning a crowd-dispersing fire hose to tell The Slog, “Now look here you little oik, you can say what you like about bankers, Tim Yeo, Rebekah Brooks, Darius Guppy, Rupert Murdoch, Bob Diamond, Evangelos Venizelos and all the other high-minded friends to whom I am fiercely loyal, the fact remains that we lead the World in plummeting exports, and nobody – nobody mind you, so pay heed – can take that away from us”.

Financial experts define a plummeting as ‘a high net worth derivative contract guaranteed never to go up once you’ve bought it, but endlessly willing to go down on you when the need to sell arises’. The UK has built a staggering 73% market share of the plummeting sector, and it is on this rock-solid basis that the new Kingdom of Camerlot is based. With these unique product features in mind, Overseas Aid minister Grant Shapps this morning told an audience of migrant Singaporean destitutes that it was their “solemn duty and destiny” to go long in plummetings.

Tomorrow during Parliamentary PMQs, Britain’s Opposition Labour Party endorsed the Shapps call to action, but pointed out that plummeting exports “are no more than satisfactory”. Said acting Ed Miller bandleader Corvette Yooper, “We in the Labour Party fully accept that plummeting sales are good for Britain, but our output of Satis at the long-established Sunderland factory has declined despite the automation process that lost the hard-working, hard-pressed, hard-done-by and hard of hearing there 2,000 jobs in 1983 and this is completely unsatisfactory.”

Mrs Imelda Carcrash (UKIP, Thanet of the Apes) asked the Prime Minister in PMQs whether the workers at Sunderland would be made to pay for losing the 2,000 jobs, given it represented “a quite extraordinary level of carelessness”….and as a supplementary wondered if the Prime Minister knew what a satis was.

“I have to admit” said the ever-ebullient Sir Avid Cameldung, “that in 1983 I was four years old (loud laughter) and therefore find myself unaware of what a satis is”.

(Cries of “Shame!”, “Resign!” and “Satisist!” from the Opposition benches).

Mr Speaker Ferkov intervened to ask who had taught the benches opposite to shout silly things, as this was a gross infringement of Parliamentary privilege given it was the job of Opposition MPs to shout silly things, and then be told to shut up by him.

But Mr Frrrazzzer McOoochamdoomd (SNP, Thistle Rovers) recognised by the Speaker in his costomary hand-sewn ballgown, told the House “The satis is an ancient form of cushion used to spare the knees of those at prrrrrrrayerrrr in the Kirrrruuuk. I would not expect a bunch of ignorant lickspittle heathen Sassaenachs to understand this, but I remember well as a boy that”

At this point. Mr McOoochamdoomd was shot dead by Mr Noel Sowadid (DUP, Fickledonleary), thus fulfilling the prophecy of his surname. Speaker Ferkov ruled a clear case of justifiable homicide under the Parliamentary Do What You Like Act (1283), and asked the member for Krakatoa East (Independent, MI5) to ensure complete discretion.

Earlier at The Slog: Oiling the wheels of the Conservative Party Juggernaut