At the End of the Day

A not entirely serious Slog examination of our culture

Now is the winter of our discontent succeeded by the late Spring – and the arrival of The Flies that Look up Human Noses. Later in the year they will be replaced in turn by The Flies that Devour Human ankles, The Flies that Block the Pool filtration, The Flies addicted to Human Sweat, and – by early Autumn – The Flies that Cling to pc screens for They are too Knackered to Do Much else. All flies in southern Europe having now gained an immunity to the branded sprays so mendaciously marketed by pharmcos, thinking people down here have returned to the good old fashioned gum-covered fly papers – which cost about 50 centimes a bucket. At the height of the Summer, within a week of installation the papers look like alien elderberry fruit; but they are totally eco-chummy and 100% effective.

Name me another pestilence pulveriser that can say that. Use both sides of the paper, and remember to put your name at the top in black ink.

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Tomorrow, the FA Cup Final will be played between Arsenal and Aston Villa. From the hour of 17:30 to 20:00 BST, your correspondent will be occupying a midfield position on the sofa, using easy access to a beer crate outside the box while slotting passes via the TV channels into key striker positions with the use of such classic Coach advice as “Stop farting about and just pass the bloody thing”.

As a neutral in this encounter, I must confess to having not so much divided loyalties as a United distaste for both sides. Being a lifelong Red Devil (albeit rapidly converting to FCUM’s mutual voyage of glory) I of course deplore the appearance of any Arsenal side in any Final of anything – up to and including the final straw.

But as a man who forgives without forgetting, like all the older Manyoo nutters I will always hear the name ‘Aston Villa’ and think ‘Peter McParland’.

As the whistle blew for the end of the 1957 Cup Final, my then incomparable Man United team should have become the first Twentieth Century football team to win the Cup and League Double. That they didn’t is down to the unspeakable and premeditated foul committed upon United goalkeeper Ray Wood by the deranged Irish assassin McParland six minutes after the start of the game. What’s worse, the Nutter from Newry is still alive at the age of 81. What’s even worse, the UK Midlands Express & Star newspaper referred to him as ‘FA Cup Final hero McParland’. And what’s worst of all – while substitutions were not allowed then, so United had to put Jackie Blanchflower in goal and play with ten men – the Villa striker stayed on the field and went on to score both the goals that defeated the better team.

Name me a greater soccer injustice than that. Use both sides of the paper, and remember to put your name at the top in black ink.

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In the continuing commentary here on Why getting old sucks, I offer this observation: you can set a timer to remind you about something you need to remember, but you can’t set an ageing brain to remember what the f**k the timer is asking that brain to remember in the first place.

I have a timer clock these days. I set it to remind me about pipes filling pools, garden hoses watering aubergines, pies still in shoddy Italian ovens whose timers have died, phone calls I have to make after America wakes up, and phone calls I need to make before Australia goes to sleep. But the sad truth is that there are days when a brrring could mean anything from “It’s time to water Australia” to “the pipes are calling America to wake the f**k up”.

On the whole, I’ve decided that what all of us need – young or old – is a regularly recurring brrriinng that encourages us to forget all things, people and events since 1979. There are billions of people alive today who’ve been so shabbily educated, they don’t know anything about events before 1979: and while those events were often shameful, on the whole they were rarely shameless. Which is a shame…if you follow.

Things, people and events to forget would include Sepp Blatter, The X Factor, Sepp Blatter, Blind Date, Sepp Blatter, German reunification, Sepp Blatter, New Labour, Sepp Blatter, Camerlot, Sepp Blatter, Newscorp, Sepp Blatter, The Leveson Enquiry, Sepp Blatter, the Troika, Sepp Blatter, Jihadism, Sepp Blatter, Barack Obama, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Jeremy Hunt, Rupert Murdoch, the Barclay Twins, Grant Shapps, Fox News, and of course, last but not least, Sepp Blatter.

Discuss. Use both sides of the paper, and remember to put your name at the top in black ink.

Earlier at The Slog: The vapourisation of Wolfgang Schäuble assailant Dieter Kaufmann

18 thoughts on “At the End of the Day

  1. Doesn’t much matter now, once you are over 70years old, the UN has decided that although you are allowed to continue to work until you drop you should not get health care…. You are NOT worth it. This may well apply to Sepp Blatter, being and old bloke of 80, but ofcourse he has pocketed so much loot that he can afford private health care!

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  2. I would love to forget the Bush and Clinton families however you can’t drive a stake through the heart of those vampires because they don’t have one. They keep arising from their coffins.

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  3. Slog,

    I was an eleven year old Chelsea supporter from London at the 1957 cup final, and what McParland did was legal then! Again I was at the 1958 cup final, and Nat Lofthouse did something similar and got away with it (not shoulder to shoulder) in scoring the winning goal.

    My father always pointed out certain players on the opposition team when Chelsea played at home. The tragedy for me is that we didn’t see the Busby Babes develop beyond Munich 1958. Duncan Edwards always springs to mind.

    1968 was another mindset.

    Terry Nunn

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  4. Your bit on the flypaper reminds me of a story I heard years ago: An advertisement appeared for a “foolproof bug killer, no dangerous chemicals, all natural, easy to use, lasts a lifetime, instructions included, only 50 cents.” A purchaser received his bug killer in the mail. On opening the box, he found two blocks of wood, with the instructions: catch bug, place bug on one block, crush with other block.

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  5. Enjoy the match irresponsibly John, you deserve it. And remember to join in the northerner’s Cup Final Hymn:

    Run down the shops, I’ll
    Give you fifty p.
    I’ve made a brew, and
    Don’t have a biccie,
    Pick up some Hob Nobs
    Or Dodgers so Jammie,
    Just don’t forget I can’t
    Abide Rich Tea.

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  6. Didn’t Chelsea just win some Cup or another? There are so many English football Cups one can hardly keep track of who has won what. Good thing the Oakland Raiders are going to win the next American football Superbowl.

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  7. And of course Murky now says ‘Treaty change not impossible’ Funny, because I recall a little while ago when it was, according to her, impossible. Now, which one is information, and which one is misinformation? The barrel load of monkeys are just beginners when you compare them to that shower.

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  8. @kfc
    To sum up, you are right, they make it up as they go along. It’s a set up. The deal was done in checkers earlier in the week. Horse trading over a few fine wines. Anything to keep the music playing. These guys have no vision, they just react to what they see on tv/radio and are not ashamed to do u turns, distract important goings on in politics with football scandals, and so on. It’s all a power set up. Even google have been asked to co-operate, with a miniscule corporation tax bill to cry over.With zombie populations at their feet, who can blame them.?

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  9. This is Europe they can (if they wish) ignore any rule or law and do exactly what they want. Anything is possible if the Commission is willing.

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  10. Nothing quite like a passion filled financial football story to send the masses into a debating frenzy with blinkers on….
    What does it all mean? So what? WTF? Who cares? This is a modern smokescreen. We are a vital political crossroads, but we all know that we won’t even STOP at the sign, we just slow down and then put foot to the floor and carry straight on into the arms of the nazis who millions of people died to protect us from 75 years ago………
    Poppies and SHAMS.
    It’s a disgrace.

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  11. Good thing the Oakland Raiders are going to win the next American football Superbowl…

    There’s more chance of Gary Glitter doing the half time show.

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  12. John
    In WW2 (at school) we were expected to use both sides of one sheet of toilet paper…….Hence the greater mechan-iacal skills of that breed!

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  13. Thnx 4 that Terry. The Lofthouse foul was truly remarkable….but then Bolton were the better side. The total team cost of building the side by manager Bill Ridding was £110 – 11 signing-on fees.

    I went to the Chelesa Leeds Cup Final replay at Old Trafford in 1971. Peter Osgood gave the complete footballing performance that night – a bloke of huge stature and yet the most wonderfully graceful passer of a ball apart from Bobby Charlton. And his winner…well, what a finish.

    Ossie died in classic fashion….he went to the funeral of a mate, and dropped dead during the service. Lovely man, but he did like a drink…

    J

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