Scientists have come up with a new method using everyday opinion questions in order to build a companion mechanism to IQ – short for Intelligence Quotient. This novel measurement is to be initialled IW – I’m Awake.

Human discernment faculties in the fully awake state include the ability to see a tartan paint salesman coming; to spot that people like Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Michael Howard, Jeremy Hunt, Diane Abbot, David Cameron and Nick Clegg are phoneys; to notice that the EU is run by gangsters; to decide that while Putin is a shit, his actions are being demonised by a Western press both aimed at and written by the gullible; and to perceive that the UK’s Special Relationship with the UK is one of give and take: we give good head, and they take us up the arse.

See if you can pass this latest work-in-progress questionnaire.

1. Are you inspired by Andy Burnham? Yes/No

2. Do you think Rajid Javid is (a) a jolly good egg or (b) a rotten banker-cuckoo’s egg?

3. Would you describe Wayne Rooney as (a) a great rôle-model for young people or (b) an idiot-savant with the ethics of a loss adjuster?

4. Do you think the right for Irish gays to marry other gays is (a) a major fillip for Constitutional reform in Eire, or (b) a sop to the Government’s failure to deliver on any substantive, promised reforms?

5. Do you perceive the Conservative Party to be (a) the Party of working people or (b) the Party of people saying that the long term economic plan is working for people like them?

6. Do you want to be (a) famous cos bein’ famous is brirrant innit or (b) a person working above politics to restore culture & constitution?

7. Look at this list of media proprietors from the last 40 years:

Rupert Murdoch

Richard Desmond

Siamese Barclay twins (2)

Conrad Black

Robert Maxwell

Looking at their track record overall, do you think (a) they were all fine gentlemen (b) they were all crooks or (c) they should’ve been disallowed from having their power? (1 response only, please)

8. On reading that Grimmy is set to quit The X-Factor, do you (a) find yourself in a fit of tumescent expectation and anxiety or (b) wonder whoTF Grimmy is while remembering how much you would like to dip Simon Cowell in a vat of ordure without anaesthetic?

OK, here’s how you score yourself:

1. Yes – 0. No – 3000

2. a – 0 b – 3000

3. a – 0 b – 3000

4. a – 200 b – 5000

5. a – 0 b – 5000

6. a – 0 b – 7000

7. a – 0 b – 550 c- 5000

8. a – 0 b – 7000

How did you do?

This is what the IA psychographometer says about you:

0 – Chances are, you’re Louise Mensch

3000 – Without doubt, you are Jeremy Hunt

3550 – You might be a Liberal Democrat

5550 – You could be the gullible Ed Miliband or the cynical Nigel Farage.

23000 – You are very muddled and possibly a troll.

38000 – Congratulations, you are a Slogger.

Hat-tips today for inspiration on this piece to Elenits, Prufrocker, and PlutoniumKun.

Related at The Slog: Maily Telegraph reported to Press Mental Health Commission