lagardunno221515Unidentified acute sufferer in isolation ward

Fulfilling the suspicions of many concerned observers around the world, 188 negotiators have been admitted to an exclusive Zurich clinic suffering from APLOMB – Acute Plot-Lost Overloaded Memory Banks syndrome. A Mr Jean-Claude Drunker confirmed this morning that he no longer knew whether the negotiation was about borrowing money, not wanting money, running out of money or demands for German alimony but cheers anyway, first of the day by God I needed that.

In a dramatic move last night, Greek and EU negotiators checked themselves en masse into a private Swiss memory clinic. Sources revealed soon afterwards that all the negotiating teams were in a confused state “and decided to get help with a view to working out what the f**k is going on, who said what, and where the f**k we are as of now”. As the officials, politicians and translation staff ran to 188 people – all of whom had crossed eyes and a headache – the Zurich-based Clinic for Tangled Web Removal had to devote an entire floor to the case.

Later, a Mr Verdefookarsis commented, “We seem to be in disagreement about which wall we have hit and why the wall is there. I read on the Bloomberg site that the wall might fall on us as it was prefabricated in China but I couldn’t be certain.”

In turn, a Frau Mirakle from Berlin told reporters, “I realised I had a problem when I had to ask my Foreign Affairs minister who this person was ringing me every day from Athens speaking ropey Italian to me. When I asked who he was, the gentleman replied, “I was about to ask you the same question”.

The nuisance caller has since been identified as Alexicon Shiprat, a former unemployed politician and Hell’s Angel who has also checked into the Swiss clinic. Offered a private room, Mr Shiprat said “I’d rather be left on a filthy trolley in a draughty corridor if you don’t mind, but I’ve lost my mind somewhere so I can’t remember why.”

Locked in a high-security wing are two FinMin Eurogroupe Netherdeutsch Commission Troika prongs, Herr Wolfpack Bauble and Jeremiah Fizzlebang. Doctors engaged in their treatment have confirmed that Herr Bauble has no feeling in his legs, or his heart, while Mr Fizzlebang insists that he will defend the zip on his purse to the end, leaving the last bullet for himself.

Another patient wandering about in a catatonic state and a delightfully sequinned full length dress gave his name variously at different times as Mario Goldman, Alfonse Capone and Marion Dracula. Other patients confirm his/her compulsive repetition of the words, “Issall a verrree simples. You kissa my arse or I measure you forra de cement overshoes, cappiche?”

Head consultant at the clinic Jean-Claude Cliche told a press conference:

“What we see here is something as yet still very rare, but showing all the signs of a potential pandemic. It is what happens when two magnetically negative groups of people try to reach an agreement using the two complementary strategies of game theory and media leaks, but keep repelling each other. It is my theory that leaks in the game theory generator infected the media with false realities, causing the various teams to suffer toxic brain-meltdown after reading completely contradictory accounts 24/7 during a ten week period.

“The brain damage has been exacerbated by the what we doctors call Acute Sidelining Syndrome, or ASS. This is where several asses are moved from a hole at the centre, and then swapped with others on the periphery. The unfortunate result is that everyone sees everyone else as a potential asshole, but with no importance hierarchy to guide them”.

Dr Cliche is urging all those potentially affected in the media to come forward and make themselves known. “We are especially concerned,” he said, “about a Mr Hugo Dixon at Reuters, and Ambrose Evan-Elpus at the Daily Telegraph. The staff of the Guardian, the New York Times, the Daily Mail and Bild Zeitung are in turn displaying tertiary symptoms of refusing to recognise the chaos and making daily predictions of certainty about which they later appear to be uncertain.”

Meanwhile, last night the European Centrifugal Plank issued a statement saying that pressure on Greek banks would be relaxed, but this is the fifth to last time they would do this “otherwise Greece would default on its Grexit and become a public health danger and there is no Plan C because there is no Plan B please help me I am the real Jack the Ripper but I can’t stop myself”.


  1. Very, very good…thank you for putting a smile on my face this morning, in the face of three Irish Banks being on the wrong end of the Ratings See-Saw….Upgrade – Downgrade – Upgrade – Downgrade – ……… having a good giggle at basically everything today. I have a sneaking suspicion these giggles will progress into deep uncontrollable belly laughs later today when the former Governor of the Irish Central Bank Herr Hurley gives his evidence to the Irish Banking Inquiry, I sincerely hope its not too fanciful, I would hate a re-occurance of my laugh induced lapses into unconsciousness whilst the great and good CEO’s of Irish Banks gave evidence over the last few weeks.


  2. Reblogged this on Awaken Longford and commented:
    Very good…..worth a read, it will certainly give you a good laugh on this Thursday morning, before your blood pressure rockets listening to Herr Hurley today at the Banking Inquiry….


  3. It was Ambrose Evans-Pritchard who got one past his editors last night when he said “The southeastern flank of Nato cannot be allowed to unravel”. Say what you like about European leaders, NATO is there to do the bidding of the United States.

    Oh, and Europe can pay for this of course, because they need NATO too, don’t they. After all, with Isis and the Taliban, Europe needs protection. Mind you, would we have these problems if the US hadn’t led the interfering in these countries?


  4. I just read that China has offered to build a railway from Brazil across the Andes to Peruvian coast, and improve trade between Brazil and Asia -for $10 billion.
    Dear Dave, if you insist on the HS2 going ahead, can you bring in the Chinese designers and quantity surveyors. You’re paying too much son.


  5. Thank heavens for Dignitas, our friend in confusing times. The great Dr Alzheimer may yet provide us with a solution to remember; Christi’ma Laggard, the moo with the moue, and her muttley crew are prime candidates for EUthanasia. Squeaky laughter all round.


  6. Lets get him to actually show that
    (a) it will achieve what he or GO say it will and
    (b) that is what UK needs as a Priority.
    (c) that Gov’t has sufficient cash flow to achieve any of it
    Once they’ve done that then they can have a further go at showing that (a) is the best VfM option to achieve (b) without needing massive cuts elsewhere to achieve (c)


  7. The point of HS2 is to free up the existing railway lines to carry more freight – exports to Europe, hopefully.


  8. later, after the Brazilians have built all the mobile phone factories for them, the Chinese will say Ah, but we only agreed to pay the FIRST 10B for the railway …..the remaining 490B is for you…..


  9. oh but I love that!!!!! Brings to mind the great instances of ‘mature recollection’ visited upon us in previous times…..


  10. Gemma, I would say the point of HS2 is to impoverish the middle class taxpayer who will pay for it.
    Same as Windmill & solar birdkillers. These produce naff all electrickery at ridiculous cost, subsidised by little folks heating bills.
    The usual vultures will profit: Banksters will provide the loans; politician troughers like TaxiYeo & Sellby Gummers will get their slice, & the Camoron’s father in law will continue copping £300,000 pa for the 8 windmills on his land.
    All part of the tax the taxpayer to death project.


  11. Spot on, Gemma.
    Try & put in search box: The Origins of ISIS

    It’s becoming clearer daily that NATO is the Official Mercenary arm of the Rothschild Western Empire, while Al-Qaeda, ISIS & the rest of the alphabet soup of “Muslim Extremist” so-called terrorists are creations of CIA/Mossad/MI6 etc & are Saudi/Qatari funded.

    Having invaded since the false-flag demolitions of 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, etc etc etc, all on lies, anyone who can read outside of our Orwellian controlled media must come to the conclusion that the West are the terrorists, & the rest of the World are victims.

    That Ambrose Evans Pritchard article was spot on also.

    John Doran.


  12. HS2 will only impoverish the middle class taxpayer because they are the only people paying taxes in today’s Britain.

    Germany taxes its corporations – which can be seen as one reason why they are under fire for their policies. Banks and corporations like their freedoms, that is to say, make money without any regard to anybody else and pay themselves handsome dividends.


  13. In the early part of the first world war, the British media portrayed Germany as a warmonger. After all, militant Prussia had had some ten wars in the previous three centuries.

    When you realize that in the same time Britain had had nearly thirty wars, you’ll get the idea that the British were very much the pot calling the kettle black. The Anglo-Saxons are a pugnacious lot, and like to portray the people they attack as militants, terrorists and aggressors. Makes life easier when the tabloid readers agree with every word.


  14. Very humorous Mr Ward . You even managed to awaken albeit briefly our very reclusive Germanic sense of humour which resulted in my lips actually configuring into the outlines of a smile. Then Wolfie enteed the room and I was abruptly catapaultrd back to our workaday teutonic sobriety in the workplace — and indeed everywhere else.

    Confidentially I am heartened by my new soubriquet , Mrs Mirakel. Yes I do indeed perform miracles for our great country on an ongoing basis and it is right that my efforts have been recognised even in a missive of your limited readership . Today The Slog . Tomorrow Bloomberg ! Sieg Heil !!


  15. Good to know that the US is doing as much as it can to try and help resolve the Greek issue, isn’t it?
    The US Government, giants among ordinary men on the World Stage, helping wherever there is strife in the World.
    No, sorry, I didn’t mean strife, It’s oil, that’s what I meant, oil, stepping in wherever there is oil in the World…Let’s also change ‘helping’ for interfering..


  16. You may have a point tuu ii but I don’t believe for a minute that HS2 will complete on time and under budget.


  17. Someone will have to wake up and remember to push the button that transfers money to the Greek banks soon.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s