lagardunno221515Unidentified acute sufferer in isolation ward

Fulfilling the suspicions of many concerned observers around the world, 188 negotiators have been admitted to an exclusive Zurich clinic suffering from APLOMB – Acute Plot-Lost Overloaded Memory Banks syndrome. A Mr Jean-Claude Drunker confirmed this morning that he no longer knew whether the negotiation was about borrowing money, not wanting money, running out of money or demands for German alimony but cheers anyway, first of the day by God I needed that.

In a dramatic move last night, Greek and EU negotiators checked themselves en masse into a private Swiss memory clinic. Sources revealed soon afterwards that all the negotiating teams were in a confused state “and decided to get help with a view to working out what the f**k is going on, who said what, and where the f**k we are as of now”. As the officials, politicians and translation staff ran to 188 people – all of whom had crossed eyes and a headache – the Zurich-based Clinic for Tangled Web Removal had to devote an entire floor to the case.

Later, a Mr Verdefookarsis commented, “We seem to be in disagreement about which wall we have hit and why the wall is there. I read on the Bloomberg site that the wall might fall on us as it was prefabricated in China but I couldn’t be certain.”

In turn, a Frau Mirakle from Berlin told reporters, “I realised I had a problem when I had to ask my Foreign Affairs minister who this person was ringing me every day from Athens speaking ropey Italian to me. When I asked who he was, the gentleman replied, “I was about to ask you the same question”.

The nuisance caller has since been identified as Alexicon Shiprat, a former unemployed politician and Hell’s Angel who has also checked into the Swiss clinic. Offered a private room, Mr Shiprat said “I’d rather be left on a filthy trolley in a draughty corridor if you don’t mind, but I’ve lost my mind somewhere so I can’t remember why.”

Locked in a high-security wing are two FinMin Eurogroupe Netherdeutsch Commission Troika prongs, Herr Wolfpack Bauble and Jeremiah Fizzlebang. Doctors engaged in their treatment have confirmed that Herr Bauble has no feeling in his legs, or his heart, while Mr Fizzlebang insists that he will defend the zip on his purse to the end, leaving the last bullet for himself.

Another patient wandering about in a catatonic state and a delightfully sequinned full length dress gave his name variously at different times as Mario Goldman, Alfonse Capone and Marion Dracula. Other patients confirm his/her compulsive repetition of the words, “Issall a verrree simples. You kissa my arse or I measure you forra de cement overshoes, cappiche?”

Head consultant at the clinic Jean-Claude Cliche told a press conference:

“What we see here is something as yet still very rare, but showing all the signs of a potential pandemic. It is what happens when two magnetically negative groups of people try to reach an agreement using the two complementary strategies of game theory and media leaks, but keep repelling each other. It is my theory that leaks in the game theory generator infected the media with false realities, causing the various teams to suffer toxic brain-meltdown after reading completely contradictory accounts 24/7 during a ten week period.

“The brain damage has been exacerbated by the what we doctors call Acute Sidelining Syndrome, or ASS. This is where several asses are moved from a hole at the centre, and then swapped with others on the periphery. The unfortunate result is that everyone sees everyone else as a potential asshole, but with no importance hierarchy to guide them”.

Dr Cliche is urging all those potentially affected in the media to come forward and make themselves known. “We are especially concerned,” he said, “about a Mr Hugo Dixon at Reuters, and Ambrose Evan-Elpus at the Daily Telegraph. The staff of the Guardian, the New York Times, the Daily Mail and Bild Zeitung are in turn displaying tertiary symptoms of refusing to recognise the chaos and making daily predictions of certainty about which they later appear to be uncertain.”

Meanwhile, last night the European Centrifugal Plank issued a statement saying that pressure on Greek banks would be relaxed, but this is the fifth to last time they would do this “otherwise Greece would default on its Grexit and become a public health danger and there is no Plan C because there is no Plan B please help me I am the real Jack the Ripper but I can’t stop myself”.