Vote ‘none of the above’.

If, however, you cannot bear to let go of the right others ‘gave’ you, then here’s some supplementary counsel. Many readers will have followed the half-dozen posts I’ve put up before this The Big Day. Below is a slightly different approach, in which – based on your circumstances and outlook – I offer some specific suggestions and observations in a purely unofficial capacity.

Are you retired, English or Welsh, on limited means and spent most of your life as an employee?

Don’t vote for any of them. You’ve been around the block a few times and seen some eleven previous “elections”. In which case, by now you’ll know they’re all bombastic clones with no life experience and about as much point in life as an ocean-going sieve.

However, if you haven’t sussed this by now, vote UKip. It’s tailor-made for you.

Are you Scottish?

Vote SNP. Everyone else is, so why not join in? Jump off the cliff – 14 million Lemmings can’t be wrong. The sooner you all bugger off the better. And you can f**k up Westminster on your way out.

After all, as the mealy-mouthed Sassenach Establishment has been daft enough to give you the power to do this, then as the French say, “Il faut profiter”. You’ll get on very well with the French once you’re in the EU – Auld Alliance and all that.

It’s a no brainer, Jammy: Vote SNP.

Are you poor, jobless, working for near-zero money on zero hours ‘contracts’, looking after an old person at home, on benefits, or the owner of a fatal disease?

Don’t vote Conservative. They think you’re all scroungers and are convinced they could live on eight groats a month so why can’t you? Their neoliberal system and banking mates have screwed up royally and somebody has to pay, so it’s you. And me. Well, everyone except their mates, really.

Don’t vote UKip. People once thought nobody could be as bad as Hitler, but then along came Stalin to prove them all wrong.

If you really think you should, vote Labour. It won’t make a lot of difference, but if enough of you do it, even Teddy Testicles might feel duty bound to make some token gesture….if he’s not too busy selling your bank to a hedge fund via his brother. Or tweeting about footie.

Are you a sort of middle of the road Nicey who’d like everyone to behave well and not fib?

Don’t vote for any of them, but especially, don’t vote Conservative.

Here’s a brief personal example why. Thanks to the tripartite incompetence of British civil servants, French civil servants and a French doctor, after 15 months I’m still not in the French health service. Now, it transpires I need a birth certificate to prove that my passport and driving licences aren’t faked. I ordered one from a private UK supplier via their express service (3 days delivery). Twelve days later, there’s no sign of it. So I Googled ‘Birth certificate private supplier complaints’ and discovered that four years ago the Advertising Standards Authority, the Trading Standards folks and a plethora of other critics slagged them all off as sheisters, embezzlers, and phoneys attempting to look like the official service.

Well, four years on they’re all still there, up to exactly the same tricks. So don’t vote Conservative, because they unreservedly approve of this sort of thing. Especially Grant Jones and his twin sister Miss Haps.

Are you in prison, 16 years old, insane or a horse?

If so, you can’t vote anyway so nerr-nerr-ne-nerr-nerr. But you should actively campaign for Labour, because they want everyone of all ages, species, occupations and delusions to get the vote, on account of them almost always voting Labour.

Do you believe every last discredited theory about CO2 and enjoy being ordered about by people who want to include newts in the European Human Rights Act?

Vote Green. They’re the perfect match for you. But Labour (see above) run them close.

Don’t whatever you do vote Conservative. They believe by contrast in every discredited, amateur and ill-investigated idea put out by James Delingpole. Which is even worse. Also they want to frack the shit out of Britain. Worst of all, the biggest advocate of digging up Britain in order to help Texas is Daniel Hannan – the only man on earth who hates both the EU and David Cameron….but is a Tory MEP.

So don’t vote Tory. Oooooh no.

Are you a go-getting cheat who lies on the internet, manipulates Libor rates, fiddles company popularity contests, takes a 10-hour nap every day, covers up for paedophile MPs, shags media whores, or suffers from Columbian Marching Nose syndrome?

As you are already in the Cabinet, it would be churlish note to vote Conservative or Liberal Democrat. In fact, my advice is vote as many times as you can in that manner, as otherwise the dead heat result is just as obvious as Piers Morgan’s addiction to mobile phone messages.

Are you Russell Brand?

Don’t vote for any of them. Or do vote for one of them, because it’s an emergency. It won’t make any difference roight, so vote Labour ‘cos that’ll help deal with the emergency, roight? Or perhaps not. However, on the other hand…

That Russell, eh? He’s mustard, and no mistake. And also an infantile, irresponsible cock whose cock is enormous because it’s where he keeps his engorged ego.

Well, I think that about wraps it up. Have a great Election Day and remember to Vote against everyone busy undermining your rights.

Related at The Slog: Vote for the preservation of your Constitution, not those out to destroy it.


  1. If turnout less sum of spoiled votes is less than 40% -maybe even 50% of the electorate- then you don’t get an MP.
    Cos you obviously don’t want one (for good or bad)
    That would eventually focus minds.

    Until that rule is put in place, if you don’t vote, you don’t exist.


  2. Goddamn too much negativity.
    We get an opportunity once every 4 years to make a simple decision on voting. Our influence is infintisimal. BUT many grains of sand make a beach.
    Get your lard arses out there and vote for someone,ANYONE, But make a decision. Otherwisw SDFU.


  3. Or, go along to the polling station-exercising your right to vote- get your ballot paper, scrutinise it seriously, pronounce that you can’t find anyone worth voting for, then fold it up put it in your pocket and take it home. It will screw with the number count and may cause a little consternation with the powers that be.


  4. Well if we found the NOTA party now, it should be just about in time for the next election at Christmas..


  5. Hi buddy boy .

    Just askin’ . As you re a Limey in Frog Land I m guessin’ you may just about qualify to vote as an EU expat.

    So how do yah like your postal vote being elegantly airbrushed on receipt inBlighty before being given to an ethnic community leader to dole out to one of his ” clan” with strict instructions on how to complete it — under oain of fatwa mandated retribution. ?


  6. Another verbose load of Ward Wallop from France. Move to Greece John it’s further away from the country you hate so much. You self righteous prick.


  7. I bloody well enjoyed that! And a pox on all you miserable Old Scrotes and Shite Weasels who have posted whiny comments!


  8. Such papers are deemed spoilt i believe?? i do believe other than spoilt & who was voted for that another category exists but would need to check & do research unless some ones knows!?


  9. Fight Fight Fight! Well I used to err on the side of not voting and that it was a pointless exercise….. until UKIP matured into a force that gave some hope and that have some common sense. The only chance to queer the smug arrogant pitch of the ‘two corpse’ system – Peter Hitchens’ analogy is perfect… If nothing else, this election may (hopefully) be the death knell of the now utterly bankrupt ‘first past the post’ electoral system.


  10. “…..if you don’t vote, you don’t exist.”
    That is actually an awesome revelation of truth. In that,.. Being dead, and not voting, each have the exact same effect on the political process.
    Here in Bolton West, Julie Hilling (Labour), got in last time with a majority of 92 votes. I’ll bet she’s hoping and praying for a few dead UKIPpers I can assure you that UKIP votes *here* are causing the Reds and the Blues to sh*t their pants. But the no-show voters,.(and the dead), . who the f**k cares?


  11. Pretty insulting to head a post ‘ plain advice on how to vote ‘ , you would appear to have a lower opinion of the general public than the MSM – you’re better than that


  12. It’s all BOLLOCKS!

    Who ever you vote for the government always get in. There are two parasitical infestations of the human psyche, politics and religion, we will have matured as a species without them, and probably have a chance of long term survival, and now back to my cider enjoy your pointless voting.


  13. It’s interesting that the polls have the 2 main tribal parties neck and neck and their share of the vote up to about 35% each. We seem unable despite the efforts of the Torygraph emailing people to break this tribal pattern of voting , even though both of the main parties no longer truly represent their respective tribes any longer , but no one is delivering the coup de gras to either one. Then two new parties can emerge one supporting globalism the other co-operative localism, the only person who has put this forward and seems to me to understand this is ms Le Pen in France, the rest are stuck back in the 19th century and going nowhere fast. The side effect of this is they are taking the rest of us down with them and most of the “us” do not even realize it yet.


  14. Mr indigoboy, in Bolton West you have the option of voting for Andy Smith, Independent Candidate. Unfortunately in Bolton North East we have no independent, so again we will be burdened with the ‘maximum trougher’, Crausby, of the Liebore party.


  15. It’s a difficult one. To vote is to legitimise the whole corrupt edifice of our sham ‘democracy’.
    Not to vote is to show you just don’t give a fcuk.
    For the past 12 years, since the Iraq invasion, I’ve spoiled my voting papers: “No votes for lying, thieving, warmongering incompetents.”
    I’ve just voted UKIP, purely as a protest against all the major parties insisting on remaining members of the Nazi EU, which is impoverishment & degradation for its populace, & a gravy train for its politicians. That’s treachery, in my book.

    Meanwhile, a look at the reality of the Rothschild owned Western “democratic” Empire:

    The chap’s missed out chemtrails, UN Agenda 21, & Rothschilds, but 7/10, not bad.


  16. @ inmate00000003
    But does Andy Smith the Independent candidate, want an in/out EU referendum, and an Australian style immigration policy?
    In Bolton West it will still be a Red or Blue that wins, but the imperative for them both is “How do I get UKIP off my back stealing my votes, and instead get them working with me?”
    And the answer is for one of them to break ranks, and to accept a *legislatively locked in* EU referendum, …and soon. And if there is a second election later this year, I will gladly tear up my UKIP membership card and vote for the first one that goes with the *legislatively locked in* EU referendum.
    Voting can (maybe), work, but for certain, ..the promise to switch my vote *WILL* work.


  17. Vote Tory vote HSBC, Vote Labour vote Capita Mangement Ltd, Vote UKIP Vote Joe Coral , Vote Green vote Bodyshop, vote libdem vote errr Nick Clegg.

    NOTA would be good if it would initiate a new election. 35% of the electorate do not vote (Russel Brand is not that crazy) so the largest political block are the non voters.


  18. Voting should be mandatory and manifestos a legal contract the non compliance of which would result in horrendous fines and jail sentences, that would sort the men from the boys.


  19. First find your Polling Station.

    The numpties at Suffolk Coastal District Council had re-located ours to a wooden hut behind an obscure churchdown a back street in the middle of a housing estate, with never a sign at the end of the road to show where it was.

    Oh, and as a Liberal Democrat, do PLEASE VOTE UKIP. No Libdem voters will be voting UKIP so all UKIP voters are disaffected Conservative or Labour voters. Therefore, a UKIP vote hurts our rivals, but not us. Vote UKIP, get Clegg!


  20. In Darlington a mistake in printing mean’t UKip never appeared on the ballot sheet could be printers fault but only found out today definitely the returning officers fault.


  21. Dear Ward Wank
    You win today’s prize for breaking every Slog rule in 26 words. This must (if nothing else) be the opposite of verbose. You are, however, corymbose. Look it up.


  22. Dear Trader
    Thank you for the Will Self viewpoint. I take it your usual cocaine order would be in order?


  23. Wfd, I got in there at about 9.30 this evening after a hard day at the coal face of reality. I was still weighing the options and reviewing my instinct to vote NOTA, trying to make sure that it wouldn’t be just an expression of resentment. Having been furnished with the necessary, I perused the candidates. Hovering briefly over our ‘strictly the business’ secretary, who unfathomably aspires to an Aston Martin on a desert island, and who proved resolutely ineffectual when asked to assist me in a matter of govt sponsored insanity, my resolve hardened. I wrote ‘NONE’ diagonally, intending to add the other words, and promptly lost the will to carry on. I left it at that and deposited my offering along with the rest – I even graciously completed most of a little questionnaire for a mildly apologetic goodwife, I use the term loosely. It really is all bollocks, I can find no other truthful explanation. Your link was reassuring.


  24. It IS all bollocks.

    All of the possible permutations make me shudder for what’s coming, but the the thought of the Con-servatives back in government really does give me the Blues!

    “If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.”
    ― Terry Pratchett


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