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Vote ‘none of the above’.

If, however, you cannot bear to let go of the right others ‘gave’ you, then here’s some supplementary counsel. Many readers will have followed the half-dozen posts I’ve put up before this The Big Day. Below is a slightly different approach, in which – based on your circumstances and outlook – I offer some specific suggestions and observations in a purely unofficial capacity.

Are you retired, English or Welsh, on limited means and spent most of your life as an employee?

Don’t vote for any of them. You’ve been around the block a few times and seen some eleven previous “elections”. In which case, by now you’ll know they’re all bombastic clones with no life experience and about as much point in life as an ocean-going sieve.

However, if you haven’t sussed this by now, vote UKip. It’s tailor-made for you.

Are you Scottish?

Vote SNP. Everyone else is, so why not join in? Jump off the cliff – 14 million Lemmings can’t be wrong. The sooner you all bugger off the better. And you can f**k up Westminster on your way out.

After all, as the mealy-mouthed Sassenach Establishment has been daft enough to give you the power to do this, then as the French say, “Il faut profiter”. You’ll get on very well with the French once you’re in the EU – Auld Alliance and all that.

It’s a no brainer, Jammy: Vote SNP.

Are you poor, jobless, working for near-zero money on zero hours ‘contracts’, looking after an old person at home, on benefits, or the owner of a fatal disease?

Don’t vote Conservative. They think you’re all scroungers and are convinced they could live on eight groats a month so why can’t you? Their neoliberal system and banking mates have screwed up royally and somebody has to pay, so it’s you. And me. Well, everyone except their mates, really.

Don’t vote UKip. People once thought nobody could be as bad as Hitler, but then along came Stalin to prove them all wrong.

If you really think you should, vote Labour. It won’t make a lot of difference, but if enough of you do it, even Teddy Testicles might feel duty bound to make some token gesture….if he’s not too busy selling your bank to a hedge fund via his brother. Or tweeting about footie.

Are you a sort of middle of the road Nicey who’d like everyone to behave well and not fib?

Don’t vote for any of them, but especially, don’t vote Conservative.

Here’s a brief personal example why. Thanks to the tripartite incompetence of British civil servants, French civil servants and a French doctor, after 15 months I’m still not in the French health service. Now, it transpires I need a birth certificate to prove that my passport and driving licences aren’t faked. I ordered one from a private UK supplier via their express service (3 days delivery). Twelve days later, there’s no sign of it. So I Googled ‘Birth certificate private supplier complaints’ and discovered that four years ago the Advertising Standards Authority, the Trading Standards folks and a plethora of other critics slagged them all off as sheisters, embezzlers, and phoneys attempting to look like the official service.

Well, four years on they’re all still there, up to exactly the same tricks. So don’t vote Conservative, because they unreservedly approve of this sort of thing. Especially Grant Jones and his twin sister Miss Haps.

Are you in prison, 16 years old, insane or a horse?

If so, you can’t vote anyway so nerr-nerr-ne-nerr-nerr. But you should actively campaign for Labour, because they want everyone of all ages, species, occupations and delusions to get the vote, on account of them almost always voting Labour.

Do you believe every last discredited theory about CO2 and enjoy being ordered about by people who want to include newts in the European Human Rights Act?

Vote Green. They’re the perfect match for you. But Labour (see above) run them close.

Don’t whatever you do vote Conservative. They believe by contrast in every discredited, amateur and ill-investigated idea put out by James Delingpole. Which is even worse. Also they want to frack the shit out of Britain. Worst of all, the biggest advocate of digging up Britain in order to help Texas is Daniel Hannan – the only man on earth who hates both the EU and David Cameron….but is a Tory MEP.

So don’t vote Tory. Oooooh no.

Are you a go-getting cheat who lies on the internet, manipulates Libor rates, fiddles company popularity contests, takes a 10-hour nap every day, covers up for paedophile MPs, shags media whores, or suffers from Columbian Marching Nose syndrome?

As you are already in the Cabinet, it would be churlish note to vote Conservative or Liberal Democrat. In fact, my advice is vote as many times as you can in that manner, as otherwise the dead heat result is just as obvious as Piers Morgan’s addiction to mobile phone messages.

Are you Russell Brand?

Don’t vote for any of them. Or do vote for one of them, because it’s an emergency. It won’t make any difference roight, so vote Labour ‘cos that’ll help deal with the emergency, roight? Or perhaps not. However, on the other hand…

That Russell, eh? He’s mustard, and no mistake. And also an infantile, irresponsible cock whose cock is enormous because it’s where he keeps his engorged ego.

Well, I think that about wraps it up. Have a great Election Day and remember to Vote against everyone busy undermining your rights.

Related at The Slog: Vote for the preservation of your Constitution, not those out to destroy it.