Switching to organic milk can harm your unborn baby, researchers say. But the Daily Mail reveals this morning that switching from SNP to Labour in Scotland can extend your life expectancy by up to 35 years, because Ed Miliband is committed to banning deep-fried Mars bars. Topping this, Nicola Sturgeon said every female SNP voter over 55 would receive a free unborn baby.

Meanwhile, Ed himself has been seen leaving Russell Brand’s flat. Was it a menage a trois, or is old beardy-rockets about to give Labour his vote? “Neither,” commented Russell’s partner Rosita Guevara, “Ed is having doubts about whether it’s worth voting. He popped in to ask Russell’s advice”.

The Royal baby, being five days overdue, is clearly having doubts about whether it’s worth getting born. Perhaps the royal foetus fears being given to a Scottish Granny by Nicola Sturgeon. The fourth in line to the throne may also be wondering what the point of being born royal might be if by the time he or she achieves adulthood, grandad is 131 and showing no signs of giving up.

2000 letters have been received by the Daily Mirror defending Piers Morgan and insisting that these perpetual accusations about him hacking phones and teaching others how to hack phones while playing hacked messages at office Christmas parties are all entirely without foundation. But doubts were growing overnight about some of the signatures on the letters, which include names like Morgan S. Pier, Romping Arse, Maris Gropen, Norris P. Game, Rose Armping, Roger Amspin, Jeremy Hunt, R. Nixon, and Norma Gripes.

And finally, it has emerged that the evolutionary successor to Tyrannosaurus Rex was a small turkey-sized vegetarian reptile. Disgraced expenses trougher Rex McChocbung was the previous MP for Kilmarnock & Dewsbury, but was replaced by the anti-meat campaigner Cathy Jamieson MP. Ms Jamieson once accused Grant Shapps of selling her a haunch of celery that turned out to be 99% foie gras de Labrador. She alleged that Mr Shapps used his literary pen-name Ezra Sputum to effect the sale, but the case was dismissed after Henry Green said a big boy had stolen his birth certificate and run away. Mr Greengrant asked for 3,923 other charges to be dismissed, and this was duly granted. Hahah – ‘granted’…gerritt?

Don’t take a vote on it. Hahah – ‘vote’ – gerr…ooh please yerselves.