Alright, pay attention proles. The Prime Minister is jolly upset that BBC radio put him in front of some disgustingly young British people many of whom have no future, and they gave him a hard time. It is typical of the BBC to engineer this sort of Communist-inspired plot against the decent, hard-working families of this our fine land that we in the Conservative Party are trying to put back on its feet by pulling up socks, rolling up sleeves, and developing the fast growing internet mendacity sector under the guidance of our Wikipedia Non-Executive Chairman Mr Pants Shaft, a man destined without question to be the first Englishman in space, once the reservation for his single ticket comes through.
Mr David Cameron has a very difficult job constantly making tough decisions while befriending both Islamist and Zionist fanatics at one and the same time, and promising to renegotiate EU rules with an implacable Berlin that sinks ze ruless muss be obeyit at all timess.
The last thing he needs at this difficult time in our history is to be faced with young hooligans determined to talk Britain down – before heading off on their anarchic missions to become, variously, Jihadist beheaders, members of the Scottish National Party, and non-violent extremists making ridiculous demands for electoral reform that simply cannot be afforded during this difficult period of adjustment to the establishment of a Dying Wage and the Justifiable Bonus.
My friend, rival and colleague Mrs Tessa Maypoll will be looking at the question of anti-social media behaviour in great depth, along with her significant senior policemen other, once we have won this, the
last latest British Election….and begun the establishment of the Neoliberal Century.
The Slog would like to pay tribute to Peter Fondlebum, Tony Bluurgh, Jessie Towels, Jeremy Hunt, Michael Fallon and many other suspects who breathed life into this parody
UK Opposition Leader Mr Ed Miliband has made it clear that he does not consider his £2.7m London home to be a mansion. With just 14 days to go to the General Election, he has made it clear to all concerned, deprived and radically desperate voters that Highgate, Islington, Muswell Hill, Chelsea and Fulham LGBT residents will not suffer any Mansion Tax of the sort demanded by Nick Clegg and his neofascist Tory-Lite gang.
“I give you this pledge tonight,” Miliband told a rally bike in Camden Lock, “Labour will be introducing a Chateau Tax that will in no way affect the value of your non-Mansion, or indeed mine. Also all domiciles holding regular seminars on LGBT Mastery Tactics in their spare non-Mansion bedrooms will be exempt from all taxes devised by white male heterosexual dictators whose sole concern is to render all bisexual transistor radios 3rd class citizens.”
But radical leader of the Uragsgoi Anti-Nazi League Petra Thatchell tonight slammed the Labour leader’s “risibly tokenist response” to one of the most pressing election issues in history. Said the Uragsgoi (You’re all gay now get over it) supremo, “We in the counter-intuitive culture collective demand here and now that all 650 MPs should come out as screaming, cross-dressing orange-munchers or face the wrath of our peace-loving Geheime Sturm Bitches”.
And finally, in other world news tonight, the US continued to interfere brainlessly in Russian, Ukrainian, Hungarian, German, Syrian, Iranian, Iraqui and Greek affairs. The ECB broke another 53 EU laws and asked for a further 13,096 offences to be taken into consideration, but that no bankers be taken into custody. The eurozone economy remained in a holding flatlining posture but Herr Doktor Wolfgang Strangelove insisted that ClubMed recovery would come once they had all agreed to kiss his ass in the FiskalUnion. The world’s stock markets remained overvalued by estimates varying from 30-76%. The Japanese Central Bank purchased 4.2 billion unsold shares in Venizelos CoinOps (1985) Inc. The estimate of bad-bet derivative contracts rose to $253trillion. The economic sub-committee of the Beijing Politburo was in tatters this afternoon after all its members were arrested and 208 bankers fled to the Mani coast of Greece. President Obama of the USA expressed concern that nobody believed in his unemployment miracle and solid recovery. And South America exploded.