According to Ed Miliband on Twitter this afternoon, he is going to drag Britain into the 21st century by scraping at loopholes. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to look at the tealeaves, and if still no solution is forthcoming, he will apply phlogiston to the banking system.

Sadly, having been educated by the Comprehensive State system, this Oxbridge graduate either can’t spell ‘scrapping’ or has a sloppy team of proofreaders on his account. In this sense, he is no different at all to the team allegedly ‘briefing’ Cameron before the last election, whose work was beyond sloppy (and probably heading towards counter-productive) in its inability to nail perhaps the most accident-prone pillock ever to be in charge in these islands since King Harold.

How odd it is that, as the term ‘professional politician’ has gained traction, the people claiming to be shit-hot and shiny are third-rate amateurs.

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Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras did not ask for financial aid from Russia during talks in Moscow, Russia’s President Vladimir Putin has said. Instead they discussed Big Joint Projects. All projects look big and important after a couple of joints: early leaks suggest that they included using the Soyuz series of rocket capsules to put a Greek on the sun by 2017, and launching the Drachski as an alternative to the euro. Mr Putin asked at one point what the difference was between euro and myro, at which point the two men collapsed into a fit of giggles and ate two loaves of stale bread.

Later, a senior Greek aide said, “The talks were very constructive and hey man, that was like fuckin’ major-league shit”.

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In an outburst of truly amazing insight, senior British hospital doctors have concluded that James Bond “should really be dead” after things that have happened to him in recent films. If you ever worried in the past that your consultant might well be autistic, then wonder no more: from now on, it’s a certainty.

For the information of all those medics who’ve had a fiction belief-suspension bypass, I should perhaps point out that when Ian Fleming created the Bond character in 1951, his rank as a Naval Commander plus various hints in the novel suggest that he was already 30 at least. This would make him 94 today. But perhaps to seal this one, it might also be worth saying, “Guys….it’s only a movie”.

This codswallop made its way into the public domain courtesy of the Daily Torynaff, a self-styled serious newspaper. When the Channel Chubbies finally decide their organ needs to stop being upright and instead be flippant, then we may be nearer to the truth on any number of dimensions. So to speak.

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Jerelean Talley of Detroit Michigan is, at 115 years of age, now the oldest human being on the planet. Born in 1899, she puts her longevity down to things being in the hands of those above the sky. That……and a pint of Southern Comfort every day, seven husbands, regular bowel movements, even more regular helpings of blueberry pie with double cream, being inattentive to anything in the newspapers, and a pact made with Nosforatu in 1923.

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And finally, about a week ago, two and a half thousand Ukrainians surrounded the US embassy in Kiev and pelted it with cow dung. One senses this may not have been an entirely friendly gesture.