As the Wall Street Journal alleges this morning that the Greek State is down to its last pack of Rolos, Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has made a bold offer to Angela Merkel. The Slog reports.
The fast-growing sport of Flip a Rolo – promoted in Europe by the Nestlé company – has taken the EU’s over 50’s by storm in recent weeks. Reviving the old slogan, “Would you give a friend your last Rolo?”, the new campaign extends the idea by inviting Rolo addicts to flip a Rolo to decide who gets the last one. Rolo sales have rocketed since its introduction, and now the media-savvy Syriza leader plans to capitalise on its success by calling the German Chancellor out.
Frau Doktor Merkel’s heavily guarded fridge is alleged to contain at least 240 packets of Rolo as a hedge against Germany’s gold never turning up from Fort Knox. So it was fitting that Tsipras should feature the brand as he addressed the nation in a dramatic broadcast earlier today.
“Fellow Greeks, it is time to see what these plundering Krauts are made of,” he began in a spirit of honest compliance. The silence in the chamber was broken only by the sound of Benny Veryzealous munching Rolos. “We have run out of ways to reach an honorable compromise, and so now there is but one way left: the bold gamble. Last night I sent an email to Gelifridge@Berlin.kom to make one last offer: let’s Flip a Rolo for it…double or quits – heads up, we cancel the debt, heads down you double the debt and we default. We cannot say fairer than that”.
German finance minister Wolfgang im Wheelchair has since said he would need to get the heads up on how often a Rolo lands heads up or heads down, but once he was sure Germany would win hands down, he would be only too happy to take the bet.
But already, the gamble has proved a winner for cash-strapped Syriza. In a bid for exclusive live television rights to the flip, Rupert Murdoch has expressed a willingness to pay off the IMF debt tranche currently scheduled for April 8th. Responding in his classically cagey Game Theorist mode, Yanis Varoufakis responded by texting to Turdoch, “Where do I sign?”
Paris-Match is also in negotiations to feature an eight-page colour spread detailing the clothes each contestant will wear – to include shots of the never-before-seen Gelifridge inside Merkel’s bunker, and Alexis on his 750 cc BSA motor bike with the Acropolis in the background. The fee is thought to be enough to keep Greece going until early July. But the chocolate on the caramel re this one is the decision by Nestlé to sponsor the Greek debt for a period not exceeding five years, or a default.
Although shares in the Swiss chocolatier leapt $7.20 on the news, other markets displayed concern that the repercussions of the idea hadn’t been fully thought-through.
“There could be dire consequences,” suggested top Wall Street Banker Earle E. Bankfine, “if derivative bets on the result go bad, a lot of folks will have chocolate eggs on their face”. Conservative Party Chairman and experienced fraudster Farquinelle Warwick-Hunte said he was “deeply concerned about the consequences of the Rolo becoming a reserve currency” as that would “possibly threaten the Special Relationship we have with the United States”.
“The Swiss have enough money as it is,” commented Eunatic Control Bank Chairman Mario Lanza, “this could easily upset the balance that is currently in my favour, meaning I may have to buy 700 trillion SFr in a not completely legal but acceptable manner, and thus screw their export performance.”
But global reaction so far has been generally positive, and the idea is spreading to other conflict areas around the globe: China and Japan have tentatively agreed to Frip a Lolo about seven islands in the Pacific, and Vladimir Rasputin said he was “quite relaxed” about flipping a Rolo to decide whether to set the Ukraine’s surrounded army free, just so long as he could have the rest of Ukraine plus Poland if he lost. Finally, speaking from North Africa, John Kerry told a hastily arranged news conference, “This Flip a Rolo thing has come at just the right time to break the Iran nuclear talks deadlock. My people are currently working on a minor rebalancing of the chocolate-to-caramel balance as a way to ensuring that the flip result produces the right outcome going forward”.
But Jihadist leader Ian Duncan-Smith called the idea ‘flippant’, and said this would not change one jot his policy of beheading all welfare benefits forever.
The sun is out here at last. Enjoy the rest of April.