The German finance minister has been talking at a CDU conference about how the Greek Syriza experiment is doomed to fail. He’s been talking to most of the press as well, and apparently at one point buttonholed a startled security guard. Later he was seen accosting passing strangers and saying, “I have been talking viz all my friends who helped create zis perfect currency zone und none of them can tell me vot zis crazy Syrisa plan is about, zose cheeky little Greekies eh, hohohohoh.” Poor Wolfie gets bored very easily.

Anyway, Wolfgang Schäuble hasn’t a clue how the Syriza plan is going to work. Herr Schäuble has a wonderful modus operandum that goes like this:

1. Impose mad anti-economics out of anal German 1923 complex, removing all ability to grow or consume.

2. Forbid Papandreou the right to a referendum.

3. Make nasty noises about the Greeks being foolish enough to vote against pointless austerity.

4. Conspire with Italian capot and Dutch hairdresser to strangle what’s left of Greek banking system.

5. Ambush Varoufakis and give his wings a crewcut.

6. Shake his head and say, “What on Earth makes you think you can fly?”

It’s an old trick, and if you’re a completely tonto ball of bile, it’s also really quite logical: “Haff you effa notissed how, ven you pull ze legs off a spider, it goes deaf? Even if you are zrowing it on ze fire, it cannot hear the order to get off ze fire. Ziss iss vairy interestink.”

Except of course, Schäuble is neither stupid or mad, just cunning in a germanicallythe controlling manner. Example: how do we solve the Greek debt problem caused by poorly targeted banking loans and a greedy elite at the top of society? Easy: do a deal with the greedy elite, ignore the evidence condemning the banks, and tax the backsides of the ordinary Greeks who had nothing to do with it.

When the piggy-eyed elite get deservedly booted out by the People during one of those unfortunate flaws in democracy An Election, get spiteful about the fact that the greedy elite you trusted so much has been rejected by these ingrates, and even more hacked off about the fact that Athens raised some money without the help of Brussels-am-Berlin. Offer support as follows:

ZH Schauble

OK sports fans, join up the dots in this plausible dishonesty. “By doing something practical towards making an examination test (set by me) vaguely possible to complete in four months, the examinees have destroyed all confidence in the exam, despite the fact that neither I nor the markets have displayed any confidence in it from the outset, and we changed the entire content of the paper the night before the exam. These people are just impossible to deal with”.

Bild Zeitung is holding the front page as I speak. Meanwhile, down in his anti-discussion attack shelter, Dr Strangelove (for it is he) is playing with a little bird for the amusement of his kittens Portugal, Spain and Italy:

“Kom’ hier mein kleiner’s Kinder, und observe as ze little Griechenvögel triess to hop avay, I snatch him backhahah. Take zees broken vings und learn to flyhohoho. Und errinern Sie immer: alvays remember to schnitzel before you noodle. Uzzerweiss you might schizel in your Strudel, and zen zere vould be a terrible mess, nicht? Und if zere is von sing ve Germans cannot stand  it is mess. Vell…mess, and being defeated. Auch zen havink to pay for ze damage. Und Untermenschen mit de strinkvests und ze greasy hair poking through. Zey should stick zose marbles up zeir fat arses. Effryone tells me zis Varoufuckvit is a great game planner, but he iss an amateur – an amateur I tell you. I vill show you game-plannink: zat Yanis, he blows three veeks getting nowhere but I, I Schäuble Zer Grosse….ven I play games viz ze media, one plan is kaput, half a day.”

Ah well, Happy Tuesday. Onwards and Upwards, or something.

Last night at The Slog: How political wordworths pose as wordsmiths to screw the culture