North Atlantic iceberg Varoufakis 1Y is to appeal to the Maritime Court of Seagoing Rights, following a collision 103 years ago with the unsinkable ocean-going sieve SS Eutanic. He intends to charge the German Schutzstaffel (SS) with severe damage to his visible head, post-traumatic stress disorder, and vindictively passing blame for the deaths of 1500 passengers onto himself.
Talking to serious political analysis magazine Yassa!, Varoufakis said, “This was without doubt the most heinous crime in maritime history, and a flagrant conspiracy to blame the sinking of a quintessentially flawed sieve full of holes on a single iceberg who was just minding his own business posing for photo-shoots when he was, that is I was, suddenly and mercilessly assaulted by the prow of SS Eutanic under the command of Kapitanleutnant Werewolf Schnebel”.
But in an interview with his favourite highbrow newspaper Bild Zeitung, Herr Schnebel dismissed the claim, observing caustically that “Ze probleme mit zeess untermenschen zat is I mean zeess unterwasser icebergs is that they expect to survive simply by bobbing about on ze wasser while all ze rest of us are obeyink ze rules and vorking very hard, but you see hahaha most of the Scheisse zey are plottink ist beneath ze waves gehidden, nicht?”
Countering this in a full-colour four-page interview with Hello!, iceberg Varoufakis 1Y said, “No matter how hard Kapitanleutnant Schnebel tries to muddy the waters here, it is a fact that he was under orders from two SS Ubersturmbannfuhrern Merkel and Draghi to press full steam ahead at 1500 knots despite the fact that we icebergs had full and prior settlement rights to a peaceful existence and by the way, why don’t you take this shot of me groping my wife with the Acropolis in the background?”
Faced with the accusation of ploughing through an iceberg field at top speed in order to set a new record for crossing the Polish border, Schnebel’s face took on a purple tinge, and he screamed gently, “You dummkopfen are not understanding ze goals of our great project here, speed is of the essence, uzzerveiss ve shall disappear and sink to ze Seebett. Only German efficiency can produce ze Blitzkrieg ve need, because it refreshes ze parts uzzer beinks cannot reach….let me tell you, effryvon is tellink me zat Muscovici is a great economist, but me – vot an economist: 11 million Greeks, all starving, half a decade!”
Politely pointing out that SS Eutanic had gone to the seabed with only enough lifeboats for a third of the passengers to survive, Varoufakis 1Y alleged to National Geographic, “It is time for a new beginning in these negotiations, a new firmness, a new resolve, a new frontier, and the kidnap of anything prefixed by the word ‘new’ in order to dig up old enmities and highlight all the old cultural archetypes that made the EU a fucking joke before it even began dragging up old images of sweaty greeks in string vests. But I must emphasise once more that we in Syriza shall be good Europeans….by which I mean, we shall do everything in our power to dismantle the Brussels oligarchy, and set European citizens free from serfdom”.
Earlier this month, Yanis Varoufakis gave this vomit-inducing interview to Paris-Match. I thus find him guilty of being a justifiable object of satire, along with all the other gargoyles