Good evening. I’d like to make an appeal tonight on behalf of the Feminist Left Ignoring Genital Mutilation Anti-Israel League (FLIGMAIL). But as this is obviously impossible, instead I should like very much to explain to you the idea of negacoups.

Negacoups are investments in bonds that ensure your capital will decline by around a half percent per year. But this is infinitely preferable to either (a) your bank stealing the entire family’s life savings, or (b) your fiat currency of preference decining by 28% in six months.

Negacoups ensure that every complete downside can be turned into a less negative upside: and as such, they represent the amazing achievement of contemporary economics…..which, a few weeks back, Android Evan-Elpus at the Daily Torynaff accused me of trivialising. What one can say in response other than, if the ‘Kiss Me Quick’ paper hat fits, then one must wear it?

Clearly, the idea of negacoups in turn cannot be made either appealing or explanatory, so after two false starts tonight, I shall have a go at separating the good guys from the bad guys in the Ukraine.

The situation is far more simple here, in that we have Rasputin the Impaler on the one hand, and the EUNATO axis of all things fluffy and light on the other. Thus, while Vlad insists that EUNATO had no business interfering in the affairs of the democratically elected Ukraine government (and other places in his orbit where he must surely be left free to assassinate opponents at will) Angels of Light in EUNATO such as Werewolf Schauble, Geli Fridgemerkel, Merrybum Dieselbang, and NATO Commander Breedlove-Notwar insist that it is their solemn doodie is to support unpleasant fascists against the Russian separatist aggressors who are, um, Russian speakers, as it were.

Nope, this direction isn’t clarifying anything either, is it? So let’s give it one last try, using the medium of the upcoming British General Election.

It seems to me eminently clear what the issues are here: do the Brits want, on the one hand, a Green Labour pro-EU and anti-UK SNP Welsh Nationalist future? Or will perhaps a Conservative Ukip Eurosceptic, anti-Eire, pro-EU, anti-UK, Anti-Labour SNP Coalition win the day?

This is hard to tell, given that a Tory, Libdem, Ulster Unionist, UKip Front might still defeat the possibility of a Labour pro-EU, pro-anti-UK SNP LibDem port of convenience as a means of giving us five more years of stable, anti-libertarian government.

That said, smart and on-the-ball Sloggers will have spotted that, in the last scenario, the LibDems are akin to Einstein’s spinning electrons – in that they are capable of being in two places at once. What dear old Albrecht really meant in his ironic observation is that such is not possible: the real answer is that Space is an illusion. As indeed is Nick Clegg.

Well, there you have it: another elucidatory attempt by The Slog to clarify WTF’s going on. Let’s face it folks, it’s why you come here, right?

; – )