I’ve never been good at the assembly thing. Say the word ‘flatpack’ to me, and my instant reaction is to find a crucifix and some holy water. For me, IKEA represents the wost retail experience imaginable, followed by the cerebral and muscular pain involved in converting the flat packaging into furniture. It is another irony of the modern age that IKEA stuff is well nigh impossible to construct, yet rapidly deconstructs itself into wood fit only for the bonfire once you start using it.
But the five-star pointless self-assembly object of all time is, without any question of doubt, the contemporary clothes-drying construct for those seasons when the sun is too weak to dry things outside. These mothers come in vacuum-packed plastic, but are 100% deficient in the assembly directions required to deliver the very simplest of post-wash hanging equipment.
Let’s just start with the basic shape required:
This seems to me to tick all the boxes: it stands upright, has the necessary flat surface for teeshirts, bits on the end from which to hang jeans, and sloping ledges underneath for socks and underwear. But I’ve been struggling with this bugger since I took up fulltime residence here 18 months ago, and this is the best I have so far managed:
The one thing obviously missing from my Career Best is stability. Plus, of course, the ability of universal gravity to disallow the hanging of things – while letting the Thing itself crash to the floor – when no surface friction is applied to the equation.
Sometimes, I manage to tiptoe gently back out of the room without the whole thing unravelling, but when I go back a day later to inspect the drying process, I’m always greeted by this:
I accept entirely the fact that 3D assembly is not my strong suit. But I still find myself wondering why the inscrutable minds that ‘invent’ such ‘improvements’ on what went before are proud of complex dysfunction.
The entirely innocent but obviously allegedly guilty Rebekah Brooks is to join the Newscorp subsidiary Storyful, and be based in Dublin. This is what the website says about itself:
”Millions of people share videos and pictures every day. Storyful is the fastest and safest way to separate valuable content from social noise. Storyful uses advanced technology and journalistic expertise to find amazing content that newsrooms, brands and video producers can quickly turn to their advantage’.
Or put another way perhaps, “Every day, Storyful allegedly hacks over 100,000 mobile phones with complete impunity to find amazing content that newsrooms, brands and video producers can quickly turn to their advantage. By stealing other people’s news, in other words, we do what nobody can do to us as we sit behind our paywall allegedly telling lies about celebrities while allegedly destroying the culture that was Britain to satisfy the allegedly sick desires of a nasty old Austral-American piece of ethical antimatter”.
There really is no ocean floor beneath the stale urine that these bottom-feeders inhabit.