The tragedy of political dementia
More than £300m is to be spent by the UK government on research into dementia, Prime Minister David Cameron said today. Aides later dismissed the fact that the PM said he couldn’t remember why this was happening as “David’s ever-present and effervescent sense of irony”.
But world opinion is split as to whether we should so much as give a shit about old people and their ridiculous ageist fantasies about YMCAs (Young Macho Chauvinist Assholes) giving them a hard time. “I used to remember what it was I disliked about YMCAs,” commented 94-year-old Ronald Rockjaw, “but now it’s all sort of gone away, or was it a gay day, I really don’t recall”. However, YMCA ginger group founder Tarquin Twerp said it was “time for old people to give way to all the fantastic new process we bright young things follow, and accept that their history is a thing of our past”.
As if to prove Tarquin’s point, the Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe’s 91st birthday celebrations were a truly ghastly demonstration of nouveau riche Communism said The Guardian today, and this ‘showed the world just how little he cares about his People’. Mind you, it also shows just how serious the dementia of Guardian journalists is, in that they clearly cannot remember those days in the late 1960s when they presented BobMugab’s plan for Rhodesia’s rebirth as the antidote to Ian Smith’s horrifically lamentable racism.
Meanwhile, the cost of being a pensioner in the UK has risen by £800 in the last year, worrying new figures reveal. I can well believe this. Semi-pro old bloke Archie Typpe told Channel 4 News tonight, “The price of being the subject of BBC2 documentaries is going up and up,” he averred, “Just finding genuine mufflers, flat hats, pigeons, allotments and untipped ciggies is crippling and time consuming”.
But fear not Archie, for your Friend in Tough Times The Labour Party is on the case. Yes, Party leader Ed Miliband is expected to announce next week his plans to slash tuition fees in England from £9,000 to £6,000 a year if Labour gains power at the next General Election. However, there’s a minor glitch here, in that Shadow Chancellor Teddy Testicles is considering cutting some of the tax breaks handed to those saving for a pension to provide cash for the tuition cuts.
Cut a tax break/ For a tuition cut/ Then you can make/ Every number add up
Yet for each cut for that’s made/ there is always a but/ and this uppercut/ renders Britain kaput