Why is so much news today olds?

Given all the other excrement going down at the minute, it’s nice to know that the EU’s response to trafficking in human beings will remain victim-centred and human rights based. Phew. I shall sleep soundly in my bed tonight.

After all, where would we all be if the European Union had decided to adopt the soft-centred, Wuthering Heights approach? Et tu Brontë is all I can say. Much better, say I, to have a victim-facing, humanely inclusive strategy, thus ensuring that there is no back-sliding on this issue, and the trafficking lights will always be on red going forward.

Equally reassuring is the alleged $100,000 spent by US educational institutions to finally solve the eternal mystery of what attracts women to men. Yes, worry not all you fat porgs on benefits with thinning ginger hair and pebble glasses, women are mainly attracted to tall, slim men with a full head of dark hair, and hypnotic eyes…..whose colour (preferably blue) have clearly discernible darker rings, suggesting a sort of smouldering professional intelligence. Not forgetting, of course, the slate grey Porsche Spyder you saw parked outside the singles bar as a further eligibility guide.

It has been a day of one surprising revelation after another. Only ten minutes ago, Ed Miliband tweeted that he was ‘deeply saddened by the appalling attack on British embassy staff in Kabul. My thoughts are with the families of those killed and injured’. This was a sensational turn-up for the book, because most of us who follow Ed’s devil-may-care-WYSIWYG Twitter presence would have expected him to side with the attackers, adding that the lickspittle British camp followers of the Great Satan had it coming, up yours and Allah-Aqbah to you, squire. For a mere two hours earlier, the Labour leader had tweeted that he was ‘deeply saddened’ by the news of Aussie cricketer Phil Hughes’s death, and ‘my thoughts are with the family’.

But I find myself questioning Mr Miliband’s sincerity. During September this year, I tweeted to him about the death of a chick born to the two resident pigeons here on my modest French estate, and he never so much as acknowledged it. I am on his case.

Late news coming in now….’Important to plug computer in after a bit’ advises Dell media office….Michael Brown’s life ‘ruined’ by Ferguson incident says mother….Louise Mensch ‘displays signs of showboating’ says senior London psychiatrist….Ben Fellowes ‘could be fantasist’ suggests Mark Williams-Thomas….’P D James has written her last novel’ predicts her agent.