“The clue’s in the name,” quipped David Cameron as he introduced sweeping decrees today aimed at getting rid of all red tape getting in the way of anyone getting their way about anything they like anywhere at any time. Unconfirmed reports allege that Seaman Shapps has already had to take three pairs of trousers to the dry-cleaners. Insiders noted his use of a white stick as clear supporting evidence.
“Er…what’s this pic of Brooks got to do with it? – Ed
“Blue tape good, Red tape bad” Dave continued, reminding viewers that those now tied up in the former would be unable to do much more of that protesting nonsense, and in the unlikely eventuality of them trying it on, they’d get their botties sued off free by every Mciavelli, Ezak and Gideon in town. “I am only sad,” said the PM, “that Lord McScalpine did not live to see this new, bright and blue day.”
The first red tape to be peeled off involves fracking, as a result of which everyone will soon be freed from the tedium of asking for owners’ permission prior to China Syndroming under their homes. Plans being considered by the Government involve ‘overhauling trespass laws to make it easier for energy companies to explore for shale gas, amid concern that efforts could otherwise be stymied by lengthy and costly court proceedings.’ And quite right too: there’s enough vexatious anti-Murdoch drivel clogging up our Courts as it is, to the extent that were Croydon to riot again tomorrow, it might take as long as three weeks to bang 3,000 of the buggers up said a man in the Fog & Hailstone wearing a purple rosette.
Synchronised Red Tape Ripping may soon be an Olympic sport: already today (and it’s only 10 am) the Coalition is to make it easier for homes with smaller windows and rooms to be built as part of plans to sweep away archaic laws that might slow down the sweeping away of all remaining arable land by builders anxious to construct 100,000 new homes. Minister for Libor Mr Fickle Melon commented, “Look here, given the current diet of these ne’r do wells, my colleagues and I have calculated that they will all be 4’3″ tall by 2074 anyway. It is thus utterly inhuman to give them windows they can’t reach and ceilings they can’t paint”. And let’s face it, the 2014 winner of the Heini Himmler Lookalike contest has got a point there.
More Blue Tape is also on the way. From next week, all Daily Mail headlines will be free to take up as much space as necessary using as many question-marks as possible, in a bid to help those who are hard of reading abandon body copy forever, and never be sure about anything ever again. “This is a victory for confused, skim-reading minds everywhere,” declared Hotcourses founder Jeremy Berkeley-Nuffingrong.
And finally, in a bid to prove that he is good with colours, Mr Cameron has pledged to remove every last bit of Red tape from Green laws, and thus create a sea of Blue election posters in every house porthole the length and breadth of England. “I will go down in history as having led the first government in decades to slash more needless regulation than it introduced,” he told a Rock Against BBC Rapists rally in Wapping, “Among the regulations to be watered down will be protection for hedgerows and rules about how business disposes of waste, finally answering those doubters who wondered if I was really leading the greenest government ever.”
Last night at The Slog: Two Eds in new bid to beat the POOR.
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