The World is in a mess, but the Slog fearlessly names the guilty

I have made a new friend called Nancy. I think she’s about three months old and has four legs. She miaows a lot. But whenever I look like feeding her, 473 of her mates turn up. And they all have the exact same ears. Clearly, somebody among the cat population here has a bicycle.

I’ve been to various sites offering information about what to feed young kittens, but there is no guidance whatsoever on the subject of applying the loaves and fishes principle to a cat population untouched by the ideas of Marie Stopes. So I think Nancy will just have to fend for herself. Personally, I blame the parents.

When you come down to it, parents and politicians are to blame for everything really. I mean, politicians are the product of parents, but they have the power to ban parents if they felt so inclined. So there keep on being more and more parents and more and more politicians, and they’re both equally to blame. Some people blame generals and clerics and lawyers and accountants, but parents are to blame for giving life to such gargoyles – and only parents and politicians have the power to stop them. QED.

So the bottom line is to exterminate all parents and politicians. But it’d be more humane to wait until they’re dead, and just not replace them. I say that, you see, because I am the product of a liberal democracy where all vital action is restricted to the future. It’s what marks a liberal democracy out from, say, an oligarchic totalitarian society, or a dictatorship based on personality cult. The latter should really be called personality culls, because that’s the result of having them every single time: millions of people wind up dead , their only crime being to have spotted that The Leader is a sane mind short of normal.

This probably explains why all the discerning people have died out: between them, Hitler, Stalin and Mao wiped out such a high percentage of people capable of seeing that the likes of Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and David Cameron are not saviours at all (but in actual fact dickheads) that most folks think they’re alright really and doing a good job under difficult circumstances. “Mao to blame for success of Jeremy Hunt, claims veteran blogger”. Discuss.

So here we are – only at paragraph six – and already I’ve built a solid case for not letting post-dictator parents reproduce any more. Except that being a democrat with some degree of belief in personal liberty, I’m – you know – putting it off. And in doing so, I’m allowing their children to grow up and become equally (perhaps even more) stupid. The real need, therefore, is to kill off the parents before they become parents. Which is far more humane, because it represents a 100% reduction in the number of parents we need to exterminate.

It’s all very logical, really: we need do nothing more than kill anyone who might produce children, who might in turn become politicians. But this presents us with another issue certain to be keenly debated: should we kill the men, or the women? After all, there’s no need to kill off both genders: that would be, so to speak, overkill.

The case for killing off every human male is a strong one: they’re sexually feckless, their feet smell, they can’t multi-task or shop properly, they watch football, they worry about dicksize all the time, they fart, and insist that they must always come first….especially in bed. They also have an irritating habit of getting worked up enough to start wars and kill people.

But on the other hand, women buy far too many shoes, give themselves needlessly to braindead pillocks, and then spoil every boy child they have, thus creating the appalling problems described in the previous paragraph. Further, in buying too many shoes, they wear out the shoes they’ve got looking for the shoes they want, and thus need to go on shoe-shopping forever. They compound this crime by damaging their feet and spending ridiculous fortunes on chiropodists. And then when a war starts, they smile and say “I like a man in a smart uniform”, before giving a white feather to all the blokes with more sense than to wear a uniform.

So although men are implicated here, it’s really the women who are the underlying root cause – and thus worthy recipients of blame. Kill every woman on the planet, and there will be, for certain, no more parents and politicians. And the bonus is, there will be no more sexually feckless men, because they’d have no women to be sexually feckless with. Well, there’d be gay men who are all – by definition – sexually feckless. Thus to be on the safe side, we need to kill all the women and all the gays. QED. End of.

Say what you like about misogynist homophobic bloggers, they have a point. We would all  do well to remember that when next examining our own version of tolerance.

As you may have read earlier, The Slog is now tweeting @TheSlogtweets, and not @nbyward