The popular website maddielizards.com reveals today that fracking was, all along, just an abbreviation for fractional reserve banking. It was Ben Bianca’s half-baked cover story to excuse the burying of toxic derivatives in Colorado and Arizona; but then the hype went overboard, and now the whole world expects fracking to solve their energy problems.
“It was a nice idea than ran away with itself,” said a chastened Ben Banana today. Popping a 15 of diazepam, the Fed boss concluded, “Holes are better than carpets when it comes to hiding shit. Hence Jackson Hole. Ha-ha.”
Greenpeace later called for an Ional Reserve ban on the grounds of it being “the hidden core of fracking”.
At the Telegraph blogs tomorrow: Dan Hannan on why Green Belt fracking is the only way forward
London Mayor and top society taxidermist Horrid Jobsdone praised the famous Australian Rupert Burdock this afternoon during a speech to the WVS on the subject of cake making. He told his audience, “Many is the time that the Wizard of Oz has told his readers to eat cake, and I am quite sure that, were he here today, he would support your fine efforts, before losing his memory later in the presence of several imaginary policemen. I have heard it said by the looney Left in this country that Prince Murdiavelli f**ks pigs, hacks the phones of Royalty, molests horses, bribes policemen, sucks dog cocks, tells Prime Ministers to start wars, threatens police forces, eats his own excrement and other similar left-wing poppycock. All I can tell these deranged critics is that I would be proud to bear his children, and poppies don’t have cocks anyway which I think rather proves my point oh dear I’ve started waving flags on a length of wire.”
A paranoid schizophrenic who hacked his mother and father to death has gone missing from a mental health hospital, the Sunday Telegraph reports. Chief Inspector Roland Butter of the Metpol-Newscorp dining club told a media conference that on no account should the man be challenged, as he has close links to Al Q’eida, is armed with weapons of mass distraction, and unlike Rupert Murdoch who hacks mere phones, hacks people in a manner unlikely to be reversible.
Speaking to the press conference after Butter’s dire warning, social psychiatrist Imaf U’kweet told reporters that “Given his only interest is in chopping up close relatives, this man represents no danger to the general public whatsoever”.
General Public of the 5th Huzzah Lancers said he was greatly relieved to hear this.
The Observer today suggests that the Conservatives intend to make the next general election a direct choice between whether voters want Mr Rancid Cameldung or The Ed Miller Band as Prime Minister. This used to be called ‘personality politics’, but as neither man has any personality to speak of, the term no longer really works.
Backbench LibDem MP Mr Allenby Queer commented that we should choose the next PM based on who would best deal with the ecologically pollutive consequences of a very large meteorite landing on Penge.
The well-known fraudster and sporting personality Jerrybuilt Runt has warned the NHS that it must diversify into mobile ice cream sales and takeaway brieze-blocks if it is to stand any chance of survival as a viable entity. Speaking to passing strangers in Whitehall this morning, Mr Punt told them, “You are crap at making people better because only my mates can do that so you better find something else to do.”
He was arrested and taken to an unknown destination for remedial treatment. It failed.
British Prime Minister Mr David Cameron has floated the idea of a fair start for the working class children of ordinary hard-working families that work so hard to make Britain great so that people like him don’t need to work.
Speaking on Radio 4’s Today programme, Mr Cummerbund told listeners, “I think it’s very important for young people to get a leg up, and so we’re going to start the Camerlot Chimney Sweep Foundation to help those aged 7 to 12 years leg it up the chimney and clear out all that ghastly soot for people like us. When I think of the magical experience they will have meeting Santa Claus on the way down once a year, it gives me a wonderful warm glow. And then I realise I’ve pissed myself laughing.”
But Tory Right Wing pressure group 1922 Monday Clubem2Death Chairman Mengele Fanglong denounced the scheme as “yet more government meddling in the free neoliberal market under which all chimney sweeps must climb or die, and all banks be first bailed out, and then the passengers bailed in, as is the natural way of nature red in tooth & claw, and politics blue theretofore.”
Commenting later, Law firm Touthe & Clore said that they completely disassociated themselves from Mr Fanglong’s remarks, and asked for 209 cases of defending psychopathic Newscorp executives to be taken into account.