Altruism: Weak attempt by politician to make bollocks sound credible

Professional: Amateur (cf politician). (See also ‘foul’ as in football)

Tourettes: Brief coach trips during which holidaymakers scream obscenities at each other. (See also ‘blogosphere’)

Alzheimers: Deadly form of dementia only reversible by Rupert Murdoch

Landline Call: Attempt at selling by the Double-glazing & Jehovah’s Infestation Survey Witnesses

Pastis: 1. French aperitif 2. Cornish takeaway as ordered by Scousers on holiday

Coquette: 1. French tease 2. Underendowed bloke

Paedofile: Dead person

Private Sector: Area strictly off-limits to regulation officers