Secret plan to invade North Sea spotted by Slog

Having failed in Round One with the Schlieffen Plan and then in Round Two with the U-Boat campaign, Berlin’s scheme to infect the rest of Europe with the deadly austerititis bug via Belgium in Round Three has also stalled of late. But now, the Führerin means business: having finished rebuilding Germany, her new game is to build more Germany. Hence the news yesterday that a new island has been spotted growing out from the land of Wagner and Wehrmacht.

The tactic – codenamed ‘Growing by getting Bigger’ in the Chancellery – has been vigorously denied by those around the good Frau Doktor, but that cuts no ice with me. This is stealth invasion: Blitzsee. A very geheimestaats document handed to me by my pet Lizard Ickey tells the story in full:

“The new Lebensraum strategy aims to have the Netherlands and France landlocked by 2023,” says the plan, “and then following the subjugation of Greece, our secret weapon will fill in the Mediterranean, to be renamed Mittelafroland. The water thus displaced will overwhelm the British and put an end to their infernal whingeing about corruption, waste, unelected leaders, beach towels and all the rest of it.”

Said four-wheeled Oberstürmbannfüher Wolfie Strangelove, “The great thing about invading the sea is that it doesn’t fight back, but don’t tell anyone I’m involved please”.


Das Neuelebensraum: 1. Sweep into North Sea & through channel; 2. Germanification of the pointless Mediterranean lake

Don’t panic, Captain Man’rin’.