Secret plan to invade North Sea spotted by Slog

Having failed in Round One with the Schlieffen Plan and then in Round Two with the U-Boat campaign, Berlin’s scheme to infect the rest of Europe with the deadly austerititis bug via Belgium in Round Three has also stalled of late. But now, the Führerin means business: having finished rebuilding Germany, her new game is to build more Germany. Hence the news yesterday that a new island has been spotted growing out from the land of Wagner and Wehrmacht.

The tactic – codenamed ‘Growing by getting Bigger’ in the Chancellery – has been vigorously denied by those around the good Frau Doktor, but that cuts no ice with me. This is stealth invasion: Blitzsee. A very geheimestaats document handed to me by my pet Lizard Ickey tells the story in full:

“The new Lebensraum strategy aims to have the Netherlands and France landlocked by 2023,” says the plan, “and then following the subjugation of Greece, our secret weapon will fill in the Mediterranean, to be renamed Mittelafroland. The water thus displaced will overwhelm the British and put an end to their infernal whingeing about corruption, waste, unelected leaders, beach towels and all the rest of it.”

Said four-wheeled Oberstürmbannfüher Wolfie Strangelove, “The great thing about invading the sea is that it doesn’t fight back, but don’t tell anyone I’m involved please”.


Das Neuelebensraum: 1. Sweep into North Sea & through channel; 2. Germanification of the pointless Mediterranean lake

Don’t panic, Captain Man’rin’.

45 thoughts on “NEW GERMAN ISLAND –

  1. Whilst chuckling at the comedy content the article is a deeply serious situation and one I have thought for a long time now …. well since 2008, Germany tried once, twice and most certainly will think 3rd time lucky.

  2. “Fall the men in, Wilson”.

    “Right-ho sir. I say, would you mind awfully sort of … ha ha haaa ..lining up over there, gentlemen .. quickly as you can. Thank you so much”

    “Now then men, the Hun have recently started a new offensive whereby they are going to fill in the Mediterranean Sea – put that cigarette away Walker – and take over all that remains of Europe. Now it’s up to us to stop him …”

    (Mainwaring proceeds to outline totally implausible plan that will stop Jerry in his tracks. Cue Pike to say something stupid, Godfrey to plead for a comfort break, Frazer to piss on everyone’s strawberries and Hodges to condemn the plan and demand that someone should ‘put that light aht’).

    John, your call “don’t panic, Captain Man’rin” pulled me up short. THAT’S what this pathetic group of overfed public schoolboys, represented by the phrase ‘Her Majesty’s Government and Loyal Opposition”, remind me of. Completely out of their depth, rushing round in a blind panic and coming up with increasingly daft ideas as to what to do.

  3. Mr. Ward, the constant german bashing, even in the form of comedy in this case, gets pretty annoying by now. Your otherwise very interesting and informative blog should really stay above the 4th Reich conspiracy theorie level. For an ordinary German like me, who just sees many billions of Euro, which would be very much needed at home, vanish into a black hole called Southern Europe, this is an additional slap in the face and in the end just produces more hate.

  4. John, Nothing is new, just the re-tellers of old tales. No one listens or cares, unless they are directly affected. Then it is too late.
    Remember. JC was left alone with his thoughts and speeches, till he tried to other throw the Bankers in the Temple. [the first Cartel]

    I warned many about the coming crisis, long before it happened, on many occasions and in many places, even at the World Bank. They did not want to listen and that´s ok, it usually happens, but what is not ok, is that they still do not seem to want to hear it. “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” (Plato: 427 BC – 347 BC)

  5. @g-tax, I think you’ll fine that JW ‘bashes’ everyone- us Brits get plenty…’s our humour, which gets us through bad times. So worry not!!

  6. Bashing the Bishop in most instances I reckonJoanne if this is what constitutes humour in 2013.

    It was funny when we were all 40 odd years younger, although probably still as offensive given that the original opening sequence was changed to swastika emblazoned arrows to appease BBC management.

    How offensive was the original sequence?

  7. Oh dear, it really is going to be a sad and dreary world when we are no longer allowed to take the piss and be generally silly – I for one will be almost entirely lost for words… The point is that this sort of humour, so obviously based on a stereotypical paradigm, is not intended to be offensive, merely to have fun with words and the unexpected copulation of ideas which sometimes results. To pretend otherwise is to display a poverty of spirit and imagination. I will refrain from any hackneyed references to monks bashing the Bishop… :(

  8. +1 and right on message; a pity the professionally thin skinned brigade (below) prefer to cry wolf rather than view the bigger picture and allow some laughter to resolve a paradox or two..

  9. Fair point Per, but try telling that to Greeks, for instance, with advanced tertiary austeritis (like arthritis) for which there is, currently at least, no known cure.

  10. Don’t worry g-tax I’m sure we can all laugh at Israel’s lebensraum land grabs too….er… what’s that? No we can’t? Anti -whatism? Hmmm… now that doesn’t seem fair.

  11. g-tax mein Freund
    In 2013, seh’ ich kein Probleme mit dem deutsche Mann auf der Straße . Aber aller Leute muss’ naturlich ein Berlin ins Triumphalismus sehen, nicht? Unser “fuhreren” sind dem Selbst: sie mussen ein Weltanschauung haben. Fur mich, ist dass immer dumm.

  12. Erskine Childers wrote “The Riddle of the Sands” about this area and Germany’s dastardly plans as a way of alerting Britain to the perils of WW1. He ended up being shot as a traitor for his troubles. I say no more.

  13. Didn’t the UK not once own the island of Heligoland which was swapped with the German Empire for Zanzibar in 1890? Lots of WW1 naval action in this area.

  14. “They don’t like it up ’em, you know,” who do you think you’re kidding Mrs Merkel…..da..dee….da….dee….da….

  15. So Germans really don’t have a sense of humour? Meanwhile we Brits are apparently the laughing stock of the world…..or was it the French?

  16. Like the British, Italian and French the modern German brand must suffer for its history. No amount of amusing BMW, VW or Audi marketing will scrub the images of Belsen and Dachau. Stop whinging and be satisfied you have Euros in your piggy bank. The rest of us are truly, truly skint.

  17. @g-tax, perhaps if you did not allow the greens so much influence over the infra structure of Germany E.G. 100 Billion euros and counting on crap solar power generation projects or well over budget Bank tower construction, you would save many more billions of Euros……I live in that neighbouring country of yours, France, which most of you fellow countrymen I have met mock but who sell you electricity from Nuclear power because they have a huge over capacity, I am certain that there are many pragmatic German Engineers who would be in a much better position to advise than the raving ecolunatics who have the Govts. ear. Oh and if you don’t like British humour in relation to your country, you would hate the French jokes.

  18. I think Merkel knows what is happening and what we are in for. It seems likely she is already planning for the post-apocalyptic world.
    Mich auch.

  19. The Germans will only accept praise – criticism strictly verboten.
    Proud as they are for their success stories – for their failures, everyone else is to blame but them.
    “We did not now these terrible things were taking place….”
    “We had to follow our strong leaders decisions…”
    “We obeyed orders…”
    And this is the reason they repeat the same catastrophic mistakes again and again. They don’t learn from their mistakes, as (in their mind) they don’t make any mistakes.

  20. I won’t be caught out by this dastardly plot because I’ve hidden under the table. I suggest all sloggers do the same.

  21. g-tax I support you 100%.
    I also apologise for those who appear to hold the German people responsible for what their government does, but would be horrified if others held us responsible for what our government does. Fun is not fun unless everyone is laughing.

    Now, Anyone care for some Jewish jokes?

  22. @Caratacus
    Private Frazer always maintained that “We are doomed, all doomed…”
    40 years later, I still agree with him; it is just a question of when.

  23. Will German language become compulsory thought out Europe?
    I have been studying for a year now but i still can’t master speaking that “we are better than the rest of you” accent.

  24. Geli :”Ha ! Curses…Das Slog hass discovered our secret planz !…..
    Vot is your name ?”
    Graham D: “Don’t tell her your name, Ward !”
    Geli: “Ha ! Vord…vell you vill go in mein little black book for a start,,,,,
    But you are too late….Das seabirds haf been taught to fly in formation und haf all gotten das Bird Flu. As soon as Cameron makes his EU speech, und on my code words ‘A plague on you und all you Euroskeptic Brits’..Ve vill release das birds……..!”

    …and I do hope everyone will take that as just a bit of fun….:)

    BUT, Let all of us never forget what the Japanese did in Zhejang Province in China in 1942, by flying in huge numbers of small birds infected with Anthrax and killing and maiming thousands of civilians….and that any future conflict in that part of the world runs a hell of a lot deeper than a few rocks in the China Sea.

  25. There is no “german masterplan”. Thats exactly the point of my post above. Merkel is the defintion of pragmatic and pretty much driving on sight here with one eye on the fog infront of her and the other on the opinion polls at home. Schäuble might have a plan, but there is nothing german about it. This man would happily liquidate Germany today for some european superstate if he wouldn´t fear to end on a lamp post. And the majority of the Germans couldn´t care less about tax evasion in Greece, spanish property bubbles or “ruling” Europe in general. They are just starting to wonder if money is growing on trees in the Reichstag backyard these days and why the german federal budget is obviously seen as some kind of a self-service shop by many of our european friends.

  26. Interesting and amusing comments. I remember the break up of the former Yugoslavia very well and the premature recognition of Croatia – by Germany and the Vatican. If I remember correctly there was a trade off between John Major who opposed recognition and Germany over the issue at Maastricht. I think we got concessions on the treaty in return for recognition and allowing Germany to sponsor its old WWII allies.

    The break up of Yugoslavia is an interesting case study and one where all sorts of theories have done the rounds about why Germany wanted the split and its future intentions.

  27. Not sure if I get you right. Your German might have become a bit rusty there. ;) Of course there is much to criticise about the German policy in this crisis. I for one would start with the breaking of the “No Bail Out” rule. But some of your recent blog posts, not just this one, gave me the impression that Merkel must be about to install herself as empress of Europe and the Bundeswehr is heading south at full speed. Living in Berlin i looked out of the window and I can assure you everything is quiet. No Leopards on the streets. So maybe everyone, including some of the commentors below, should care less about some imaginary german wish of “Weltherrschaft” and focus on how to solve the problems at home.

  28. General accusations, no arguments. No base for discussion. But maybe you should focus a bit less on Germany and look closer to home. For blame and help.

  29. If only you could hear what your fellow Germans, who chose to live permanently in Greece, have to say about Merkel !!
    Since they are elderly people perhaps, their fear that Germany is becoming yet again unpopular for the rest of Europeans, is something to worry about.
    Your comment about blame and help is correct by the way, just not completely honest.

  30. I thought the issues surrounding the break-up of the old Yugoslavia was the result of James Baker recognising Croatia as an independent state?

    (Why does wordpress want to substitute S’s for Z’s)?

  31. My reference was to the debate in the EU as to whether it should recognise the republics which wanted to break away. If I remember correctly the US initially took a back seat as it was considered a ‘European problem’ although the US always supported Croatia. They had this misguided belief that Serbia was run by communists. Instead they backed a vain, racist fool dressed in a white military uniform who brought back all the symbols of Nazi Croatia.

    In 1995 the US even gave military support to the Croats in killing many elderly Serbs who had lived in Croatia for generations. That was hushed up by the media but there is alot of evidence that the US participated in the war crimes. Also read about the role of the Catholic Church in wartime Croatia and it might shed light on why the Vatican fell over themselves to be the first state to recognise Croatia.

    The chaos and wars in the former Yugoslavia were compounded by many external factors including bad foreign policy, horse trading and ignorance of the history of the region, self interest of Germany and very poor reporting and understanding of events by the mainstream media.

  32. Hilarious. Next it wil b allegd teutonic aryan black knights deleted the iceni aftr cunning plan2land on lindisfarne&march down invisibly to greenwich mean time aka ordinary time..they then set up secret council&stole nations common kids but not lords lairds b4bending &sending em2commonstealth states&now ther r secret family courts in england not too mention the wirlds biggest nonce scandal histoically allegedly..wen all els fails lets blame ….sometimes, the truth .oh wots point,

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