You wouldn’t want to bet the farm on a White Christmas in the south western UK. Here, it’s going to be a grey Christmas.

All day here it’s been drizzling heavily. Nowhere on the planet does drizzle like England, and nowhere in England gets anywhere near the South West’s version. The drizzle we get down here isn’t like TV chefs drizzling a little olive oil onto a pasta salad: our drizzle will dump your own body weight in water on you within twenty seconds. Devon drizzle can drown any unsuspecting person who goes out for a walk, and then looks up in search of the sky without full Padi diving equipment and the proper breathing apparatus. Devon drizzle is the reason man emerged from the oceans: he figured that, if you already had gills, then air-and-drizzle didn’t present too much of a problem.

We get these blankets of mist and drizzle that leave you wondering if The Outer Limits lie at the edge of your property, because you can’t see any further than that. Staring out of the back door, I half expect a pirate to come hobbling towards me, to the sound of distorted bells mixed with the wailing of tortured souls lost at sea.

December 19th 2012 will go down (in what masquerades as my memory these days) as Dull Day One. As FDR didn’t say, “It is a day that will live in anonymity”. I went to Tescos in search of things reduced to clear. I rang the DWP about my State Pension. I walked in the woods searching for holly. I rummaged around in the rafters for Christmas tree lights. Nothing of Pullitzer Prize story dimensions plopped into my inbox. A troll penetrated my email to tell me I was a left-wing BNP nutter. I ate some defrosted bean and beef curry I’d made during early October. It was OK.

This is the one weather-symbol dominating our weather forecasts here at the minute:


This is how it’s expressed in words over the next six days: Cloudy with outbreaks of Rain Cloudy with outbreaks of Rain Cloudy with outbreaks of Rain Cloudy with outbreaks of Rain Cloudy with outbreaks of Rain Cloudy with outbreaks of Rain

This is the degree of cloudiness forecast for each and every day:

Cloud cover: 100%

I think we can safely surmise that the snow cover will be 0%, and the sunshine will be 0 seconds per day.

It can only get better…and indeed it will. I have two foodie boozey friends arriving on Sunday, staying through to the 27th – at which point both my daughters plus one son in law and one granddaughter will be here until the 30th. We shall have indoor sunshine, and outdoors there will be liquid snow.

And then, 24 hours later, 2012 – without any shadow of doubt the most uninspiring, duplicitous, impoverishing, shameful, disappointing, banal, tragic, deranged, impenetrable, evasive, under-performing, mediocre, false, mendacious, misleading and feckless year in human history – will be no more. It will have been converted from the Eternal Now back into the Infernal Then.

In this household, it shall not be missed. Indeed, I ask only one thing of 2013: if nothing else, could it be a bit more lively please?