There now follows a par hypocritical broadcast by the Prime Minister, the Rt Honourable Avid Dammerung MP

“My fellow lifeboat crew members, I’m afraid I stand before you tonight with very grave news from my fax machine. I have just received a message on it from a Monsieur Karl van Demminkini based in Brussels, and the gist of it is that either we hand over our hidden paedophiles – including their clients – or we shall be expelled forever from the European Union.

“I’m sure you will, all of you, agree with me that a dim future would lie ahead of us were I to accede to his request. As our Judiciary has long maintained, it is the human right of every harmless VIP wearing hand-made shoes and a Patek Philippe watch to bugger the Underclass stupid at every opportunity, because the little Ovaltineys love it really, of course they do. So for we Conservatives – and I know I can count on Labour’s grass-roots yeomanry to back me up here – this marks a bridge too far in our relationship with the EU. As the Belgian Kraut commies clearly couldn’t organise a Scout Group bunk-up in a Wrexham Hotel, it is the end of the line for all of us engaged in this, our fight to retain the droit de seigneur granted to us by Richard the Lyingtart – who, on his return from bashing the pork-haters, declared that private schools would henceforth be called public toilets, and if ever cars were invented, then little boys should not get into them with strange men, but rather into bed with builders. Or something like that anyway.

“My best friend Boris Jobsdone, for example – and what finer example of Bulldog spin-it could we desire? – remarked in a speech only five minutes ago, “this is nothing more than eurocrat hatred of our social care system, which is the envy of everyone around the world, from Jeffrey Epstein via Gerard Kusterer to Frédéric Mitterrand and Gary Glitter. It is all left-wing poppycock jealousy, and my goodness me, we jolly well won’t stand for it”. So it is that right across the British political spectrum – from prominent Labour peers to senior Tory bankers – we must stand together and reject this transparent ploy by Brussels to corner the market in bottom futures.

“I think all of you beyond the sick blogger tendency and Tom ‘Troll’ Watson would agree with me that our home-grown Anglo-Saxon Enigma code-breaking GCHQ is vastly preferable to any fascist eurocrat regulators hell-bent on holding our bankers back, or indeed any other part of their anatomy. Lest we forget, I and I alone have rejected calls for a Royal Commission on Drugs, but answered the call of those screaming Tatchells who want regular celebration of same-sex marriage in the Vatican to be our long-term aim. This is what democracy is really about: the triumph of opinion-leading minorities over those who think they know better purely because they have been proved right nine times out of ten. We should never, ever be ruled by the tyranny of numbers. Far better to be guided by a small number of Jeremies.

“We are all in this boat together (although I’m the only one with a gun) but if there is one thing we British stand for, it is the principle of secrecy. We shall forever demand the right to privacy for all our subjects – except when 309 cameras are there for their own protection – and discretion for all those who feel the philanthropic need to share their beds with the deserving poor. No foul foreign pervert will ever dissuade us from this path as long as I am in charge of SS Britannia – a fine ship whose motto remains, A bene placito, a capite ad calce, Ab incunabulis….salve salve salve, what’s a goin’ on ‘ere then.”