Suitable candidates are invited to apply for the role of Conservative Party Chairman, a post sponsored by, the trading name of Grant, Michael, Green, Shapps & Partners.

This is a completely open appointment, but preference will be given to those candidates who can demonstrate to the selection committee’s satisfaction that:

* They have a dodgy past involving multiple cupboards and noisy skeletons.

* They have experience in the profession of active pimping and multiple identity.

* They can display evidence of being depraved, corrupt, greedy, amoral and generally sociopathic.

* They have the skills required to con the public and lie convincingly.

* There are no limits to their preparedness to do the wrong thing for the Country, so long as a split in the Conservative Party is avoided, and annual donations are not less than £100m.

The successful applicant will report directly to the Prime Minister Dave ‘Dodger’ Cameo, who will later deny awareness of everything reprehensible that will, inevitably, be done.

Write in the first instance to Ms R. Brookes, Cell 46, Holloway Prison.

Full story on the Grant Shapps scam at The Independent