For reasons known only to the labyrinthine tunnels in my brain, I just tweeted using the alliterative ‘Mormon moron Mitt of Mammon’. I’ve been thinking about this, having just made a call to another time zone after 14 hours since the last sleep: the global internet is a recipe for many things, including mental illness.

What I’ve been thinking is how powerful a put-down alliteration tends be in the wrong hands. Or the right ones, depending on your outlook.

Careerist clown Clegg craps on cohorts and Conservatives at Conference.

Dodgy Dave degrades dignity of Downing Street.

Miliband’s mucous mumblings meander mirthlessly.

Senior citizens silly sods should slam sleaze and sink system.

Mad mothers-in-law make most men mad.

And so forth.

No matter how potentially holy or beyond reproach a figure might be, somehow the application of alliteration results in obliteration of reputation:

Pope plans plot proposing paedophile privacy protection.

Queen queried quorum quantity to quell QC’s questions.

Ultimately, however, the ease with which total arseholes are vilified using this method almost acts as a sort of self-fulfilling mediaeval test of guilt:

Bilious bullying Balls blundered on baby-buggering bastards.

Horrible Hunt the Hampton hates humanity, hails hideous Health hijack horror.

This may be a breakthrough in the neuroscience of language. Or alternatively, barmy braindead bollocks blogged by bored buffoon.