At the end of days like this one, laughter is the only way.

“I’ve come here in person today to Manchester myself to express personally as an individual just how sad I am about all of you who have to live here in this ghastly place, somewhere to the north of Tooting Norton, where people are killed on a regular basis because of drug warfare,” the Prime Minister David Cameo nearly said today, adding, “Quite frankly, I have no idea why things are getting so violent in Tooting Norton, but some of my best chaps have been rolling their sleeves up about this issue, and I think I can safely say that they think coke-headed toffs might be involved somewhere.”

It’s been that kind of day, really. Has anyone noticed that Ukip’s leader, by the way, is no longer a chap who rhymes with Lafarge, but has become a political figure rhyming with a northern garage? At least, this is the world as seen by BBCNews anchorpersons, who this lunchtime reported how Nigel Farridge had bitten the hand not extended by Dave, in saying that without the cast-iron guarantee of a referendum on EU membership, there would be no negotiations with the Conservatives. The two men are in complete agreement about this, in that the PM has said “there will be no EU referendum on my watch”.

The Slog suspects that this ‘Garridge’ mularkey is a wicked Beeb plot to keep anti-EU mad persons like Nigel in their place. But as ever, the man who might or might not stand in the Corby constituency formerly known as Menschville came to the defence of Ukip’s Nigel Average by saying he was “right to put Country before Party” on the issue. Perhaps that’s what an unwillingness to compromise means these days. It was but the first of many oddly obvious headlines today: in The Times, my second favourite was ‘Obama accused of changing policy to get swing-State votes’, although in the same paper  it was easily eclipsed by ‘Israeli strike on Iran would wreck peace treaties’. I have found – over many years of studying geopolitics – that this tends to be the case, but clearly the Newscorp Diggers are still catching up. I am awaiting more in this vein, for example, ‘Bob Diamond wasn’t entirely frank with Treasury Select Committee’ and ‘Culture Committee witness Murdoch found not to have Alzheimers after all”.

The world quaked in its boots this morning as news broke of a Chinese plan to launch a bond attack on Japan. The wickedness of proposing to shower such incredibly toxic weapons on a nation whose culture has spawned the admiration of no less a personage than Jeremy Huntcourses is beyond belief, and should evoke global outrage.

The globalisation of outrage is one of the least appreciated advantages of our current econ-communications model. Third-rate movies about the evils of Mohammedanist belief that would, at one time, have mouldered on a few Art House cinema screens, can now be spotted by diligent Islamic researchers, and virally engorged in a way hitherto unimagined by American ambassadors to Libya. As the process unfolded to the ecumenical advantage of everyone this last week, The Slog was enormously relieved to note that the Pakistani authorities called for restrained protests there. In a fitting show of solidarity with that plea, Pakistan’s police and security forces adopted a low-profile display of zero interest in nutters chucking petrol bombs at Western embassies.

As if to confirm that surreal criminality  is the new norm, a 34-year old Greek citizen on the island of Santorini complained to local police about two Nigerians who tried to sell him to a special varnish.

By using a unique paper and several chemicals, the African gentlemen tried to convince him that euro banknotes could reproduce, and thus spawn many further euros absolutely free. Police arrested the two men, found their immigration documents to be falsified, and recommended them for deportation. However, a Signor M. Draghi has asked to interview the Nigerians before they return home. As someone who has been putting a glossy varnish on grubby paper for some time now, Signor Draghi apparently hopes to profit from their knowledge.