Inhabiting planet Earth can damage your mental health

It’s good news for David Cameo this morning, as the man he most admires Tony Blair has personally brokered a new deal between JP Morgan and White Powder Mining (Venuezuela) SA. My God but Moral Tone is earning his consultancy fee, and no mistake. So the normal functioning of HMG Government can continue without any further breakage in supply. “Look here, I really do think that a lot of Left-wing twaddle about drugs should not suggest we aren’t open for business,” said Boris Johnson, as his quill swept across the parchment for yet another Daily Telegraph article.

“Iran could cause a Cold War,” said the foreign secretary William Hague at the weekend. True, but nihil desperandum Willy Mekon, the Israelis stand ready to heat things up a bit. Just above a video of him drivelling on pointlessly, a sub-head talked about ‘a mighty show of strength from the Royal Navy’ in the Eastern Med. Hyperbole can be a useful tool in diplomacy, but I think we’re over-egging two tugs and a rowing boat somewhat here. ‘Gunboat diplomacy’ Lord Palmeston called it, approvingly. Well, we have a boat and a gun, but that’s about the sum of our might following the Coalition’s downsizing strategy. To be honest, I thought we’d used the last jerry-can creating an Arab Spring in Libya, but I was obviously misinformed.

Intriguing to note how the video nasty about Mohammed that got Johnny Gyppo* over-excited last week was mouldering away in a virtually unvisited YouTube space, until a keen Islamist found it and splashed the thing all over Al Jahzeera. It also seems the US Embassy staff were armed with guns containing blanks, presumably another ploy by Hillary Clinton to convince the Muslim Brotherhood they’re on the same side really. So then, this second shot at appeasement is obviously going really well.

Now that violent contagion has built up a head of whatever contagion builds up, Islam is going into its back-catalogue in search of old scores that have lain unsettled for far too long. Out popped tit-fancying obscure novelist Salman Rushdie, who has now had his fatwah both revived and updated, lucky man. Next week: the Crusades. That bloke who went, he was that hunchback’s grandad, yer know. Straight up: chap darn the Mosque told me. Richard III’s bones may thus be disinterred just in time for an Islamist hit squad to desecrate them. It’s all about respect, really.

Three paras without an outburst from BoJo, this really won’t do on a family website like this one. Yes, he’s at it again, accusing the beastly Yanks of being unfair to our banks and businesses. Here is a cracker from today’s ‘stop bashing business’ episode, two lines written without any hint of irony:

‘…it is only too easy to imagine how a populist and irresponsible Left-wing Mayor could whack — say — Goldman Sachs with some colossal penalty, regardless of the damage to London as a place to do business.’

It’s all there in that one. Left-wing people who fine crooked giant squids damage London. I love it. Such a shame Peter Cook is no longer with us, he could’ve built a TV series around Boris. I’m reminded of Cooky’s Great Train Robbery sketch, with Alan Bennet playing the BBC interviewer:

AB: So then inspector, do you have any leads?

PC: Oh most certainly, rest assured about that. We’ve had some of our best brains at the Yard on this one. And we’re certain this is the work of thieves.

AB: So you think thieves are responsible?

PC: Certainly not, I think thieves are thoroughly irresponsible. If you think thieves to be responsible members of society then you must be a very odd cove indeed. You don’t write for the Guardian do you?

Oh how we miss him. Enjoy the week.

*This is my Christian equivalent of peace-loving Islam’s fatwah system. It’s not racism at all, its a Slogward. Two different animals entirely. Thank you.