SKETCH: At long, long last, Britain is open to offers

Jerry explains his homoaeopathic keep fit regime

Speaking on Sky’s business programme Get up that Chimney this morning, top fund manager Jeff Scandal said he was relieved to see that Jerry Can had been promoted to the job of supporting the private health consultancy contracts held by Baroness Vaginally Bottomless.

“The fact that this sort of healthy networking is in full swing shows that Britain is finally open for business,” said Mr Scandal, “In particular it shows what a loyal, ethical man the new Health Minister is…having been given the British Council job by Lady Bottombarrel and then inherited her Parliamentary seat, it’s good to see a man repaying his debts with all due diligence. ”

In turn, Daily Telegraph Anglo-French subed Barclay Sarkozy persuaded columnist Tammy Winnette to thunder against the continuing witch-hunt against Andy Coldsod and Rebekah Brokaine, observing that “The leftwing press keep pushing the police to carry through this ridiculous prosecution, knowing full well all along that it’ll all come to nothing once the money changes hands. It is this lack of commercial reality in Britain today that keeps healthy investors like Lonmin-Zuma Platinum away from Britain”.

Here at The Slog, as a proud member of the 3% I am working hard at the task of shooting yet more gold miners so I can clear the way for my shovel into the raw output. Later I expect to arrest anyone being paid for doing things for me, and follow the Troika’s example of leveraging days into fortnights in order to buck up the appalling work ethic of Zorbslob the Greek in the String Vest.

This afternoon I shall run a marathon in 37 minutes, launch the new Roadmap to Romney I am co-authoring with Dan Jammonit, and then – after a short power-nap – show that I am open for business as usual by blowing 400 billion quid on laxatives for those who are already sh*tting bricks.

I may be back later.



22 thoughts on “SKETCH: At long, long last, Britain is open to offers

  1. I shall be beating you in that marathon, but I’m also doing it on a pogo stick.

    On a serious note: the idea of “they” seems to be a bit of red herring for me. Those with serious money aren’t part of a global, organised collective thats trying to destroy everyone beneath them. I just don’t think that conspiracies like that are possible to manage, there’s too many moving parts and far too much room for error.

    Are there corrupt individuals making globally influential decisions that will almost certainly turn out to be illegal/morally vacuous etc: absolutely.

    Are they part of a club like this:

    Probably not.

    Oh and check out ZH today, Draghi’s “new bazooka” is “new coke”!


  2. The generosity of RBS knows no bounds. As I have said before the bank is a fool to itself. Today I recieved their unbelievably generous £20 compensation for f****** up my account during their recent melt-down ….two £10 Marks and Spencer gift vouchers. Mark to market that’s some deal!


  3. In my day – we used to use a pogo stick with no spring and our hands tied behind our backs………….you youngsters have it so easy. We also got beaten to death with a barbed wire bull whip if we took longer than 13 minutes 9 and a half seconds and made to go again ! Ha :)


  4. They gave me €25, I will be re-investing it in the bank by buying €25 worth of bricks to hurl through their windows.


  5. John, It’s not that your daily reports are only exceptional but the way that you wrap them in such amusing anecdotes makes your blog a joy to read.

    Another fine days work.


  6. O/T
    Howard Davies to chair commission into where new runway capacity is needed.
    So, not only are we to have a “commission” (aka fudge) it is to be chaired by the man who was utterly bloody useless at the FSA!
    FFS, the UK is totally and utterly finished!


  7. Totally agree. People give far too much credit to the abilities of the rich when they come up with these grand conspiracy theories. Many of them have enough trouble controlling their own businesses never mind the machinery of some massive global plan.


  8. There’s also going to be a commission on whether OilCo’s are passing on the benefits of lower crude prices to motorists at the pump!
    I wonder if this involves driving around for a few days and just looking at the advertised prices displayed at the Fuel Stations? Probably not!


  9. Now look here John, may I call you John?, this is intolerable. I want to talk about jeremy Vagina the Hultchure Secretary but am unable to do so as your site apparently blocks foul language.

    Not even you can acheive this abnormal feat, can you relax the rules just for Jeremy Vagina pieces please?


  10. Firstly, we shall have to listen to the delightful and well scripted (by PR Cororate psycologysts), How we need to move into the 22nd Millenium with a new better Health service, not for the patients, for the huge ‘charities’ who have already set out their stalls in major hospitals. Like Fagan, they send out their boys to rob from the poor to give to the rich! When ‘SOMEONE’ said the NHS was safe in their hands- big lies were emminating from their vile mouths! I would have put on this caption ” I am going to make shitloads of money on this” Tony Bliar eat your heart out.


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