Jerry explains his homoaeopathic keep fit regime

Speaking on Sky’s business programme Get up that Chimney this morning, top fund manager Jeff Scandal said he was relieved to see that Jerry Can had been promoted to the job of supporting the private health consultancy contracts held by Baroness Vaginally Bottomless.

“The fact that this sort of healthy networking is in full swing shows that Britain is finally open for business,” said Mr Scandal, “In particular it shows what a loyal, ethical man the new Health Minister is…having been given the British Council job by Lady Bottombarrel and then inherited her Parliamentary seat, it’s good to see a man repaying his debts with all due diligence. ”

In turn, Daily Telegraph Anglo-French subed Barclay Sarkozy persuaded columnist Tammy Winnette to thunder against the continuing witch-hunt against Andy Coldsod and Rebekah Brokaine, observing that “The leftwing press keep pushing the police to carry through this ridiculous prosecution, knowing full well all along that it’ll all come to nothing once the money changes hands. It is this lack of commercial reality in Britain today that keeps healthy investors like Lonmin-Zuma Platinum away from Britain”.

Here at The Slog, as a proud member of the 3% I am working hard at the task of shooting yet more gold miners so I can clear the way for my shovel into the raw output. Later I expect to arrest anyone being paid for doing things for me, and follow the Troika’s example of leveraging days into fortnights in order to buck up the appalling work ethic of Zorbslob the Greek in the String Vest.

This afternoon I shall run a marathon in 37 minutes, launch the new Roadmap to Romney I am co-authoring with Dan Jammonit, and then – after a short power-nap – show that I am open for business as usual by blowing 400 billion quid on laxatives for those who are already sh*tting bricks.

I may be back later.