Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix


From SarkasticBarclay comes this question:

Doctor, can you just explain for the thickies why QE is profitable?

It will be my pleasure, SarkasticBarclay. You see, if I Mervyn take you taxpayer for a long walk up a short pier, divide the currency by 137.55% and then multiply by minus 41, hey Peston, we have money left over for a tax cut, where:

Cut = (1+n) on a Tuesday Ξ when £ x 83 – [∏ +sky] = £80bn

Additionally, it is very important to take into account the value of 0 + or – the meaning of nought, where the fockorl norm is contant. Thus:

(Zirp x 0) + ∞ = infinity ÷ ↔ nowt x £3 an hour

Thus we can see from this that pensioners will be better off when the country is skint.

And ovecleggpudding from Mincington-on-Sick asks:

How will these NHS hit-squads work in practice?

For goodness sake, I would’ve thought the name says it all: that fine investigative security company G4S will storm in, hit lots of enlisted men who served in Iraq, and then accuse the seven disgraceful NHS Trusts of overspending on dressings. This will take the form of a dressings down, a crack-down, and then recommend that all patients should wear a dressing gown at all time.

Moremarmaladenow from Dundee wants to know:

Should Louise Mensch get a third runway?

Opinions vary about this. Nadine Doris says she should have her school runway taken away, but she’s away with the fairies and anyway, The Blessed Saint Louise has already run away, so the matter can be considered sub-judasy.

I shall miss her bold stances, unaffected speeches, selfless devotion to media standards, and imaginary email friends. But I fancy her pulp prose will, in the end, be the most fitting legacy of her public life before she legged it without warning to pastures new.

And finally, Baglady Topnutter wonders:

Should Signor Dragladi give Catatonia the money or what?

This is indeed the burning question of the hour. I think on the whole he should leave the Catalonia, and stick to budgies in future: they eat very little, make hardly any mess, and can be trained to say “No, I do not need a bailout” with very little effort.

In extremis, he should also leave Barc alone, and switch to supporting Real Madrid. Personally, I’d rather have a Gin and tonic than be catatonic, but that’s neither here nor there.

11 thoughts on “Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

  1. Spot on. With this doctor you’re never in need a second opinion though I must say — he’s meant to cure hernias not cause them!!


  2. Dear Doctor, I neva wuz much good at maffs an all them fancy formulars wot you speak of an use in this……So if Spanish regions still need to finance EUR 28B in the rest of 2012…..but the Spanish Govt only managed to nick EUR 18B from their lottery……Ow duz that maffs work then?

    An’ if Catalonia needs EUR 5B to pay off stuff it owes right now, but ‘as anuvver EUR 6B debt to pay off before Xmas….leavin aside payin for any ‘ospitals or penshuns meanwhile…….Ow duz that maffs work?……’cos I can’t make it add up.


  3. Graham, the maffs don’t need to, cos there woz a shift in the space time continuum, and them wot’s in power are in a parallel universe wiv no reality, just a loada b******s !! Innit…


  4. I fink if ees strugglin wiv the maffs, and a bit dodjy wiv iz inglish, wot’s ee going to maik of the ‘space time continuum’ ?


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