Message received by the Climate Change Commissariat at The Guardian tonight:

To whom it may concern

We are Popular Occluded Front for the Liberation of United Kingdom from the fascist rain-like-cats-and-running-hyena weather systems created by global Pentagon-Wall Street-Zionist conspiracy intent only on the destruction of free-thinking peace-loving peoples who know one true way like us otherwise will be garrotted.

We hereby give notice of fully justified terrorist attacks on bourgeois revisionist Metereological Office in pay of the Tory Scum Jewish Coalition responsible for totally unjustified capitalist cuts to sunshine over Summer, brought down upon fellow-travelling idiots by the Prophet may he be praised but never depicted, otherwise surround TV station with mob chanting in favour of individual freedom to behead blasphemers inside Satanic Channel Four.

Let it also be known that when Sunnist Republic established, all clouds will be shot at by vertically aimed guns and all rain stoned to death before it can touch ground, also all Shi’ite weather will be ended forever. All women will also be free to enjoy everlasting sunlight from inside tent in thick black robes while looking after children and cooking for men in between trying to win Miss Ogynist Obedience contest as shown live on Al Jazheera television.

Long live non-decadent Sharia high pressure! Death to Unpopular Warmist Front of East Anglia! May Allah scatter showers on Christian Unbelievers and bestow longer Sunni intervals upon Alahwite plonkers in Syria!