EnglanddefenceriotLuddite writes from Moss Side to ask:

‘Can you explain the significance of the phrase “You f**king black ****”?’

I think this is a nice gentle one to start off with. The truly offensive word here is b***k, which you have for your own reasons (horrid racism mainly, I presume) chosen to reproduce in full. Or rather, such offence is the case of you are a b***k male. If you were instead to be a feminist of any hue, then the more offensive word would be ****. As most feminists are Labour supporters, they would also find b***k offensive, and probably campaign to have the word b***k asterisked further to *****. So a narcissist pc vicar would have written ‘*** ******* ***** ****’.

Personally, for the sake of good gender and race relations in our structurally racist mysoginist State, I think the use of asterisks should be expanded until 100% of all offensive words are in a letter-free space, and courses in asteriskisation are on offer at all Universities. The  great advantage of asteriskisation is that it would give those in charge a much-needed opportunity to hide behind them, and thus avoid a lot of impertinent questions from what Prince ****** is wont to call “*********** sticking their noses into things that don’t concern them”. There is far too much news today anyway, and far too many people with minor foibles like *** ****** are being dragged before pointless committees of *** to suffer at the hands of those who do not have the bigger picture because they are drink-sodden *****.

I do hope that clarifies the issue, you cupid *****.

A regular reader of Dr Fuller-Bollix’s wisdom is Liberalcontroversy. She asks:

‘Now that China is slowing down and the eurocrisis is speeding up, Should we be rolling up our sleeves, or pulling our socks up?’

Let’s be clear about this, there is no slowing down in China. Only this afternoon I was studying their traffic statistics, and it’s clear to me that speeding offences have been growing steadily year by year for some time. And there is no eurocrisis: the crisis in the eurozone has been caused by greasy, lazy fat people wobbling about in vests not paying their taxes. The actual currency itself is in fine shape, sort of rectangular with very pretty colours, and I have it on the best authority that Signor Draghi at the Central Bank is making so much money, he will be able to retire very soon. So there can’t be that much wrong now, can there?

As to rolling and pulling, the Holy American Economist Milton Friedman once remarked that it was “better to roll up your money in a sock than be a Communist”, so maybe there is a clue to something there. Tommy Cooper often said “Pull the other one”, and there is very probably something in that too.

A keen German Slogger Erika the Red wants to know:

‘Do you think Iran is stonewalling the IAEC about access to its nuclear sites, and if so, is it developing nuclear weapons?’

The obvious answer is ‘no’ and ‘no’, although in fact that is two answers, although the anwers are both the same, although the same one plus the same one still makes two.

Look, ask yourself this: why would Iran want to have nuclear weapons? I mean, apart from threatening to reduce Israel to a nuclear pancake, when has Mr Ahmadinnajhad ever threatened anyone? I expect of course that the Commission will find nuclear devices at the sites once the Iranians let them see everything as they so clearly will being very reasonable people. And we can then be sure that these will have been planted there by Mossad agents in pursuit of their clear goal of world domination by Zionist elders with an average age of 141 who mysteriously escaped from Hitler’s death camps because there were no death camps in the first place it was all a Jew-lie put about by the Jew Churchill and his creature De Gaulle, the latter having as everyone knows been the product of an unwise marriage between a Jew and a member of the De Bergerac dynasty.

You only have to look at a map of the Middle East to see Israel’s intentions. Why, could you find two more well-read and reasonable men than David Cameron and Recep Erdogan? Of course not, but if there’s one thing they agree on it’s that the Israelis are putting to death thousands of innocent Hamas missiles every week when all they ask is the right to bomb the living shit out of some Yids who shouldn’t even be there at all, so they can create a Holy Islamic Homeland where everyone can live secure in the knowledge that the Muslim Brotherhood has no evil intentions towards anyone but don’t forget that the Crusaders started it you Christian heretic heathen infidels may Allah strike your women down with stones and your progeny rot in the infamy of Hell forever Behead Democrats Allah Aqbah!!!!!!

And finally, Trollmeister of Wapping wishes to know:

‘When oh when oh when are we going to stop Murdoch bashing?’

This is a very pertinent question. I am reminded of the famous prediction by Miltstradamus, “When the Antipodean star lies close to uranus, wise men will rent their braces and declare that Britain isn’t open for business”. My God, what a genius Milt was: how clearly he saw that Lord Murdochson was and is the One True Light, and that not even Doctor Who could keep The Tabloids from their historic destiny as Hackers of the Phone and worshippers of the Newscorpse, which will surely rise again when James the cocksucker crows thrice, thence to install King David of Camerlot at the right hand of The Almighty Digger in his celestial Tabernacle of Tosh.

But to answer your question, I think Roop-bashing has already eased, because people have moved back to the bankers via the Sprouts and Krauts. The time may thus soon be ripe to make Aussiephobia a criminal offence, and Rebekah Brooks a Dame of the Murdoch Empire.

There is no end to the scorched-earth, anarchic damage these infernal and relentless critics of capitalism are prepared to wreak in their senseless attacks on enlightened greed, and it seems to me that it is down to cheerleaders like the admirable educational philanthropist Mr Jeremy **** to restore News International to its rightful Constitutional role as the organisation most likely to guide the cops and the pols back to the righteous path of all things Wide and Wongaful, all features editors facing no charges at all.

Fear not, Trollmeister: we right-headed people know – as did The Good Lord Miltstradamus – that trickle-down bungs will always triumph in the end.