Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

Our first question today comes from Kirkcaldyman4Labour:

‘Doctor, what did you make of Mr Diamond’s testimony yesterday? Did you notice my name in any of it?’

Well Kirkcaldyman, I really think there is nothing to see here, and we should all move on to a new frontier where Britain is once again seen to be open for business. The obvious honesty of Mr Diamond and his moving account of how physically sick he felt on learning that reprehensible employees had followed his orders had me close to tears, in much the same way that Jeremy Hunt’s account of only lying to Parliament for the best of media plurality reasons restored my faith in political pragmatism.

Let us try and remember that the Umpire on which the sun never sets may well find himself on a sticky wicket, but those of us at the crease intend to knock the regulators for six, thus freeing up Team Britain to speed at Full Ahead Both towards somewhere much better than being where we are now.

And this query from DownhillyGoon:

‘Is the discovery of Higgs Bosun significant?’

Where have you been for the last 100 years? Of course it is. Authorities across the world have been wanting to talk to him since witness survivors of the Titanic disaster fingered Higgs as the man who shot his Verey gun at the iceberg and missed. Now he has been found alive and well in Paraguay aged 125, this must surely rate as the story of the Century, and raises the question as to whether the enquiry into this pressing matter should involve ignorant and generally f**kwitted MPs, or a public judicial affair wherein those who were at school with him might prevaricate in an entirely objective manner, before finding him Not Guilty.

This from ItalianStallion in Frankfurt:

‘Should ECB rates go up, do you think Ireland will be able to return to the markets?’

This is a challenging question. If the English Cricketing Board puts its prices up any more, then yes I think Irish fans will undoubtedly have become human IPOs in order to afford them. I am intrigued as to why an Italian based in Germany should be asking such questions, but it takes all sorts.

Garrottbankergobshites from Manchester asks a question shared by many Sloggers:

‘Can you explain to me why pumping money into the economy is supposed to stimulate it, but doesn’t?’

Yes of course I can. It’s so easy, a second year accountancy student could describe it quite simply. Being far more experienced and intelligent than most, however, my explanation will inevitably be more complicated.

The Bank of England Emperor Ker Vin Ming has printed a great deal of money in readiness for what he rightly foresees as the Government running out of it. He must therefore make it disappear in order to avoid inflation. This process is known as Questionable Economics or QE, and it is very important that the money disappears completely into the downswing disinflationary space. The only way to ensure it does so is to give it to the banks via a process of letting them sell toxic waste to him at full price and then giving cash to them at no price. When this happens, the free money travels from the front to the back door of the bank at a speed slightly in excess of Mach III, and becomes bond derivative salamitised paper claimed by the few remaining creditor banks at an ongoing gearing ratio of 1: 10 billion.

And so as you can see, this gets rid of all the money, inflation is avoided, and Britain is able to buy its raw materials and imported goods at constant prices + or – an error margin of 99.3677% recurring. This causes Sterling to fall in value against the dinar, and makes exporting easier, thus stimulating an economy.

However, the reason why it doesn’t stimulate our economy is that we don’t do anything beyond the absolutely vital processes of  shuffling Whitehall memos about, intrabank paper electronic obligation transmission swapping, and suing the NHS. As the Labour Party is far more conversant with this kind of post-industrial economy, it is obvious to anyone of even average intelligence that the Cameron regime should be rejected in 2015, and the Ed Miller Band of sexually indeterminate Men in Tights swept into power in order to solve our problems once and for all, applying the lessons learned during the 1926 General Strike.

13 thoughts on “Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

  1. The crease in the cricketing analogy feels more and more like a cleavage – the one we’ve all got – and the atmosphere’s about the same. The scenes in Parliament are so self-servingly infantile it makes you think these people really do need to get out more. All good knock-about stuff, if you’re a 3 year old; they’ll soon need to remove all sharps from the canteen and dust off some straightjackets.


  2. To obtain a cleavage you need a left tit and a right tit, fortunately we have an abundance of both in the HoC.


  3. On a more serious note Ekathimerini reports: The strongest indication that Greece would not seek to violate the terms of its bailout came in a statement by Finance Minister Yannis Stournaras, who met with troika officials after being sworn into his new role in the morning. “The program is off track and we can’t ask for anything from our creditors before we get it back on course,” he told the Financial Times after meeting with troika officials. One of the mission chiefs told him he would have “a tough time at the Eurogroup meeting on Monday,” he said. Stournaras is to meet again with the troika on Sunday following the presentation in Parliament today of the government’s policy program. “We are entering very deep waters, the years ahead will be difficult,” he said adding that “there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is long.”


  4. The light at the end of the tunnel is the oncoming express train from the Troika. The only thing the Troika are interested in is the return of capital to the mainly French and German Banks, and lesser so to the IMF.
    The Greeks can suffer for decades as far as they are concerned. The Greeks really have no alternative to withdrawing from the Euro. Realpolitik however makes it very difficult for the Greeks to abandon the Euro. Consequences yet unforseen will probably do the trick.


  5. country effin’ bumpkins from chippin’ norton in the cotswolds


    fine analysis, bollix – i wish john could make as much sense as you do


  6. “We are entering very deep waters, the years ahead will be difficult,” he said adding that “there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is long.”

    mmm…a tunnel…under-water…good heavens, the whole damn lot of them are about to invade our offshore paradise through the eurotunnel…they think it’s the entrance to hades…block it up quick with the rubble from an old white elephant…the olympic stadium maybe?…hadrian’s wall?…ah, how about the elgin marbles? zeus, haven’t they got enough of their own bally islands?


  7. to be precise, i am now lord of the manor in witney, but restrict exercizing my ‘droit de seigneur’ to occasional sleep-overs in the sheep-shed.


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