Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

Welcome to a new feature – The Slog’s uniquely Agonising Uncle Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix. He’ll be here regularly from now on to answer all those questions that always puzzled you, such as why is there no alternative, will the euro go to Heaven when it dies, how does trickle-down wealth work, does David Cameron think, and how does the Labour Party elect a deadbeat as Leader every time.

For the full low-down on Conan’s career, go here.

*The management would like to stress that Dr Fuller-Bollix guarantees only to answer the questions, not have the answer. Answers can be right as well as wrong, and their past value is no guide to future prices. Always speak to your financial advisor first before acting on the advice offered here. Don’t drop litter. Eat five a day.

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Our first question today comes from Deborah the Accountant Slayer:

“Is Britain going down the plughole, and if so, where is it?”

After extensive research conducted by Left Labour for a Single-Gender Politburo, it has been established beyond much doubt that Britain is not going down the plughole, but it will unless we go back to what is was doing when it first started going down the plughole. However, the small village of Plughole-on-Wye contains a large black hole with a metal rim and a great many pubic hairs stuck in it all the time, and some observers have suggested that this might have something to do with Britain’s draining resources.

I have been advising the Chancellor Mr George Draper on how to cut things without any giveaways like falling expenditure, and I think we would all have to agree that, ongoingforwardmost, we have had inconspicuous success in the space. My own question is this: if Britain really is draining away down a large plughole, why are we financially underwater all the time? Nevertheless, the as yet unexplained phenomenon of rain pelting down for months on end, and then disappearing before morphing into gigantic water company management bonuses is an interesting one, and could be explained by plugholes.

The domestic role of plugholes (to be blocked all the time) is also not apparent. I have long argued that melting down fat people and poor people before pouring them down any large plugholes discovered is almost certainly one solution to the problem. Further research is needed before a definitive decision can be first reached and then changed.

And the second question from What you all Moaning About is:

“Does making Jimmy Carr pay more tax show that Britain isn’t open for business?”

No, most certainly not, because Show Business doesn’t count, and anyway he has repeatedly failed my mould-changing Critical Laugh Analysis. However, the removal of Mr Freddie Goodwin’s knighthood was a clear sign that Britain is closed to successful entrepreneurs, and goes some way towards explaining the further economic slowdown we have seen since that gratuitously hysterical action was taken. Also, the fact that James Hunt used a property fiddle to avoid £100,000 last year is classic politicking considering he did nothing illegal. Nor is there anything suspicious in the allegation about him bailing out his brother and then swapping losses from one company to another. Nor is there any sign whatsoever that his company did anything monopolitistic or cronyist in its dealings with the British Council. Nor did he have any company links to Newscorp via his company Hotcourses. Nor did he send texts saying things like “Open the Bolly James, we’re nearly there”. And finally, he most emphatically did not lie to the House of Commons, but was merely the victim of oversights among his staff about the existence of 163 electronic communications between himself and News International.

I hope that clears up this cynical attempt to reveal what Jeremy Hunt is about, and that he can now look forward with some pride to his next job as Education Secretary with no stain on his tie. I have been working with Jeremy for some time now, and advising him on cutting-edge school ideas such as ‘Subscribe to the Sunday Times, win a free exemption from doing sport and watch Sky Cricket instead’.

And today’s final question is from Tory Scumeron Bastard, who asks:

“Is the NHS safe in the hands of scumbag capitalist swines such as eg all Tories are?”

No need to beat about the bush with me TSB, although swine is the same in both singular and plural. No of course the NHS is not safe in the hands of a man like Andrew Lansley, who has several times turned down offers of hep from me that could’ve avoided all this ghastly fuss. I agree wholeheartedly with Ed Miliband who wants to reverse all the reforms and go back to things the way they were, when all the Foundation Trusts were doing well and the patients seemed jolly happy, or dead.

I myself advised Stafford Hospital on how to hide bodies, change death certificates, turn up pissed to operations without getting caught, and bribe the odd undertaker, although only if absolutely necessary. The system was working perfectly well then, but now it is being destroyed and as we can see, even the doctors are forced to go on strike in order to defend their pensions, free weekends, pharmco lunches and £270,000 salaries plus whatever totally deserved wonga they can make when Sir Bitchard Ransom makes them an offer they can’t refuse until reading the small print.

The NHS currently works very well via a judicious mixture of saving money on tests and drugs, always having reserves of staff except at the weekends when nobody gets ill, and the strategic benefits of hiring people with Harvard Degrees who draw criss-cross lines and supply documents that can double as door-wedges during hot weather, thus saving on the air-conditioning bill. It costs the country considerably less than the National Debt and is the sure sign of a civilised and well-fed social sector.

If you have a question for Dr Fuller-Bollix, write in the first person to jawslog@gmail.com

22 thoughts on “Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

  1. “..how does the Labour Party elect a deadbeat as Leader every time”

    Even Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix knows the answer to this one: there are only deadbeats to choose from and they’re not elected, they’re bought based upon their ability to behave like a marionette.


  2. The big question is how in gods name do they get up to 42% in the polls? I have little time for Cameron’s tories but 42% of people apparently think that Milipede would be better. Truly puzzling


  3. Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix looks strikingly similar in appearance to Kaiser Wilhelm II.

    So my question for the good Doctor.

    Is Angela Merkal going to be the new German Emperor?


  4. Right, well I do have a question. Why has grass been banned as dangerous by the EU? I’m not talking about the mindbending drug Cannabis, I mean plain ordinary grass, the stuff 22 men run about in shorts on every Saturday afternoon, the stuff that grows all by itself in parks and gardens all over the world (apart from deserts and icy places)
    The secret family cretins have affected my health. I got really ill and ended up with pneumonia because the constant stress of persecution does affect peoples health and lowers their immunity. The NHS, Stafford Police and Social Services have all colluded to shut me up perminantly with their horrible persecution, they have tried to cover up what they did by altering my medical records and social service records. (They did such a crappy job of it that even an idiot can see what they have done) They sent me for “therapy” for the child abuse to one of the places I was abused at, on purpose, because I kept telling them please dont send me there BUT THEY DID! It has been deliberate systematic vindictive persecution – all to gtry to cover up the origional abuse which happened 40 years ago!
    So I am scared stiff of going to the doctors now. They keep sending me letters telling me to go for mammograph tests, well I found out that those testys can and have caused cancer! So I try to avoid my GP surgery if at all possible, as I really do value my life.
    I get a lot of coughs. and when I get one I tend to have a bad chest and find it difficult to get my chest clear, but my local herbalist advised me to use couch grass medicine, which worked a treat. Having had a bad cold a few weeks ago and having a cough which wont clear up, I decided it was time to use couch grass medicine once more, and went to buy some, only to be told that the EU have made it illegal for them to sell it any more!
    To say I am angry is an understatement – I am absolutly livid.
    Why the heck have the EU banned garden grass?


  5. Dear Doc,

    Why is it that regulators get such a bad press when everyone knows that their agencies are overwhelmingly staffed by people who failed to get employment at the the very institutions they are supposed to supervise?

    Further why is it the regulators fault that the financial/banking institutions acted so stupidly and with such lack of responsibility, surely they marketed themselves as MoU and therefore knew what they were doing at least in there own opinion?

    Finally why do Banks and Financial institutions believe they have to be paid so much, surely it is painless and easy and fun to spend other peoples money with no moral hazard?


  6. Why is it ignored by so many people that *greed* is a fundamental ingredient of free market capitalism (and indeed humanity itself).
    It is the role and duty of Government to regulate the City to ensure that it does not adversely effect the economy and society?


  7. @zoompad The stress resulting from your unfortunate life experiences is just as likely, if not more so, to be a putative cancer risk than any very low dose of radiation from mammography.

    Sign up with a holistic therapist, if you can find a good one. They are not cheap but a good one is worth every penny. And take up meditation. There are one or two ‘schools’ /systems around which can help one to ‘move on’.

    As a minimum, have you tried the internet for couch grass and other EU-banned therapeutic agents?

    I am very sorry to hear of your experiences. You deserve to live the rest of your life untainted by them.

    As to the EU dont get me started.



  8. Very easy to answer, 42% of say 100 is only 42 people irrespective that the total population is 60 million +. Good this form of Democracy is it not? Different to the 30% of the Tories not really but wait up they and Labour will form an absolute majority next time when the LibDems vote is 0% of 100 what ho!

    So the total population of 60 million does not count in this pseudo Democracy. It only really fails when you get down to 100% of 1 then you cannot disguise the Dictatorship.


  9. She already is but she asked politely to not to be called that so she can be able to communicate with us more easily “in do as I say”.

    Always right of course like all emperors and closer to god also.

    Hence she always gets it right, in communication with the big man upstairs in all her actions.


  10. Dear Doc.

    Just an ordinary soul but everything I touch seems to turn to crap. Is it as I now believe the world is crap hence as much as I try to remove the crap around me more just keeps turning up.

    So a minor question is the world no more than a pile of crap I am forced to live within when I want to live in a crap free world or certainly less than the one I got now?

    Now all effort, energies, mind willing to live this way so

    The big question how do we make a crap free world so I can live a crap free life.

    The only other I can see is to kill all those creating the crap and be done with it then “I can go crap free”. A a suggestion for the EZ impose a “crap tax” stuff the FTT tax matey, you would generate enough revenue to pay off
    all global sovereign debt. Is it that simple? really?


  11. http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=web&cd=2&sqi=2&ved=0CFsQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.herbalextractsplus.com%2Fcouch-grass.cfm&ei=OsDlT8flJMbQhAf1jb3FCQ&usg=AFQjCNGNgsQbuevvSabubJLlp-TxchuUHg&sig2=6JB7FkwNuKIitemyDp4C-A

    What the evil scum going to do about the fact that couch grass grows just about everywhere? I only have to dig a few roots up , wash it, bruise the roots and make a brew of it in boiling hot water, and drink the tea for a few days. Its great stuff, and works a treat, and I will shake off this nasty cough. All they’ve done is make it a bit inconvenient for me, but what makes me see red is that the way I found out how good this stuff is was because my local herbalist prescribed it, so now other people, unless they have someone tell them wont know about this medicine because it wont be on the herbalists shelves any more.
    In a way I am glad they picked on my couch grass medicine to ban, not only is it extremly silly and it might make people actually sit up and take notice for that reason, but also if I hadnt gone to get my medicine and come back empt handed I wouldnt have found out about the dirty two bladed tricks that these pratts are playing on the herbalists. They dont want us to be healthy and well, I can see that much, thats why they let so many American junk food merchants sell millions of gobs of warm fat to their not junk food hooked customers all over the world.


  12. Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen! To all intents and purposes, these days the City IS the Government.


  13. No-one wants to admit to having feelings of greed. It probably dates back to christian philosophy. The fact that countries / societies that are generally christian are also among the greediest serves to show how hypocritical we can be. When a character in a film stands in front of a meeting of shareholders and says “Greed is good. Greed works” there follows an uncomfortable silence. As the word is thought to be perjorative, we have a stack of euphemisms instead.


  14. @Woodgnome:
    The relationship between bankers and government is a complex one. Brown trashed regulatory oversight of the City to send his desired message to the banksters that it was a free-for-all…grab what you can. He wanted a huge increase in cheap credit to flow to increase GDP & taxes and prove his Endogenous Growth Theory. The banksters responded as he wanted. When he gave his annual speech at the Mansion House only 5-6 months before Northern Crock crashed, he praised the banksters. He did the same in previous years. They were doing exactly what he wanted of them: feed the economy with cheap credit. When the whole ponzi scheme imploded, instead of accepting responsibility for it himself which he should have done, he blamed America! He couldn’t blame the banksters because he already knew that they had only done what he had wanted of them and they would have gone public if he blamed them.

    Not sure how much greed has to do with christianity. It looks to me that it’s alive and well in the M/E Islamic dictatorships…Saudi et al. In the West, we have a societal model which spreads it to many more people, hence the need for govt to regulate activities where the downsides may adversely affect society or the economy.


  15. Dear Doctor can you please tell me why the people of Europe are so stupid?The good german doctor and all her partners have prescribed the medicine necessary to clear up the euroflu. However, the patients refuse to finish the said medication and keep infecting other people.We are now hearing that Spanish flu has been detected and we all know what happened when that virus escaped at the start of the last century. I’m
    really worried,so can you please reassure me.Thanks.


  16. So Mr Brown let the Lions out and the lions did what Lions do.(Like in the frog and scorpion, it’s in their nature)
    Glass steagal repeal in the US.
    It reminds me of the story of a trader in one of the World Trade towers on 9/11 ,who sat and make a short trade against Airlines( I think) and made $5 million, rather than try to escape.(whether he knew he could escape or not or that the towers were going to fall, who knows)


  17. Dear Doctor, I walked into another Doctor’s surgery recently with a frog on my head, the Dr. asked what had happened, and the frog replied that it had started off as a boil on his bum. Can you give a second opinion.


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