Following Christine Lagarde’s huge success at the IMF in leveraging $165bn of pledges into $430bn in cash last week, Olli Rehn lashed out this morning at those who say the Eurocrats lack creativity.
“You see as all as boring, vain functionaries,” he observed with uncanny accuracy, “But we are beginning to get into our strides now. For when the tough get going, the going gets tough. I am here today to announce that the eurozone problem is solved once and for ever.”
What followed was nothing more than remarkable.
Mr Rehn announced a bold scheme to radically alter the shape and relative success of the eurozone countries.
“The answer is one of leveraging potential and changing direction,” he continued, “Like all brilliant ideas, it is simple. As always in the end, simple minds produce the best solutions.” Olli miscalculates mouth trajectory (A) and proceeds to cuckoo cloud (B)
First, leveraging. Olli Rehn explained that the debt of Spain would be leveraged backwards, and become a surplus in Germany. The Germans would then work very hard for a year, double the surplus, and hand it back to Spain. Similarly, the Greek bonds exchanged during March would be leveraged into Bundesbonds, create a huge rush of buying from the market, thus producing a mountain of cash – which would then be exported to France in orer to stop its banks from falling over before the second round of Presidential elections.
“Portugal will in turn be leveraged into Holland,” he said, warming to the theme as his words were interpersed with flecks of spittle and short giggles, “and the Dutch debt will be converted into Sterling at a leveraged exchange rate of one euro per five Pounds. This will then obliterate the Netherlands debt and f**k the British, who will be forced to join the all-conquering euro in order to survive hahahahahahahahahaha.”
Some of the American journalists shifted uneasily in their seats, but eurozone reporters applauded wildly as Mr Rehn showed detailed plans for the invasion of South Ossetia and the assassination of Francois Holland. His jacket was then leveraged by two assistants until it was facing in the opposite direction, after which he was led away to shouts from the Financial Times euro correspondent of “Three cheers for Mr Rehn”.