SKETCH: Big new Eurozone idea from Olli Rehn

Olli demontrates planned hand to mouth trajectory for eurozone

Following Christine Lagarde’s huge success at the IMF in leveraging $165bn of pledges into $430bn in cash last week, Olli Rehn lashed out this morning at those who say the Eurocrats lack creativity.

“You see as all as boring, vain functionaries,” he observed with uncanny accuracy, “But we are beginning to get into our strides now. For when the tough get going, the going gets tough. I am here today to announce that the eurozone problem is solved once and for ever.”

What followed was nothing more than remarkable.

Mr Rehn announced a bold scheme to radically alter the shape and relative success of the eurozone countries.

“The answer is one of leveraging potential and changing direction,” he continued, “Like all brilliant ideas, it is simple. As always in the end, simple minds produce the best solutions.” Olli miscalculates mouth trajectory (A) and proceeds to cuckoo cloud (B)

First, leveraging. Olli Rehn explained that the debt of Spain would be leveraged backwards, and become a surplus in Germany. The Germans would then work very hard for a year, double the surplus, and hand it back to Spain. Similarly, the Greek bonds exchanged during March would be leveraged into Bundesbonds, create a huge rush of buying from the market, thus producing a mountain of cash – which would then be exported to France in orer to stop its banks from falling over before the second round of Presidential elections.

“Portugal will in turn be leveraged into Holland,” he said, warming to the theme as his words were interpersed with flecks of spittle and short giggles, “and the Dutch debt will be converted into Sterling at a leveraged exchange rate of one euro per five Pounds. This will then obliterate the Netherlands debt and f**k the British, who will be forced to join the all-conquering euro in order to survive hahahahahahahahahaha.”

Some of the American journalists shifted uneasily in their seats, but eurozone reporters applauded wildly as Mr Rehn showed detailed plans for the invasion of South Ossetia and the assassination of Francois Holland. His jacket was then leveraged by two assistants until it was facing in the opposite direction, after which he was led away to shouts from the Financial Times euro correspondent of “Three cheers for Mr Rehn”.

Related, in a vaguely sane way: The oddly reproductive mathematics of Christine Largin’it

85 thoughts on “SKETCH: Big new Eurozone idea from Olli Rehn

  1. Pingback: John Ward – Sketch : Big New Eurozone Idea From Olli Rehn – 23 April 2012 | Lucas 2012 Infos

    • Stick with it:-

      You owe your bank £50,000, you’ve got a problem.

      You owe your bank £50,000,000, THEY’VE got a problem.

  2. Yes I’ve been leveraging my savings too. The trick is to just find a newish fancy word thats recently taken on new connotations and the public are yet to really understand (QE was a great one too) and then just do whatever you want…by simply leveraging my savings and take home pay I’m significantly richer, even if I’m greatly indebted at the same time. Thats all ok because of the firewalls being fully collateralized by over the counter obligations of couterparties who are in turn fully insured by my increased rate of take home pay…

    …just don’t tell too many people about it or everyone will end up doing it…

  3. “We are beginning to get into our strides…..” Wow, so the EU commission have in the past always schemed whilst trouserless? I thought they were trousering our money, so where’s it all gone then?

  4. Thoroughly convincing post. As a school-lever (60) I am grateful for the reassurance that all is now under control and I can look forward to a long and productive working life. Apparently there are new salt mines being opened in my area, things really are looking up.

    And the meek shall inherit the earth.
    (only by forging the will)

    • Sorry Hiero,’ And the meek shall inherit the earth’ was a typo. What God actually said was ‘the geek shall inherit the earth’. Which puts all the ‘meeks’ in big trouble.

  5. The perfect position is now filled.
    He”s filling the newly imagined position of CFO of Broadmoor
    Hospital for the criminally insane.
    We all know who the other Board members are.
    .

    • @WS Funny you should say that. I knew the son of the Superintendent at Broadmoor, and stayed the night there in 1969 (true). There was a top secret maximum security wing full of young children suffering from a condition which produces sociopathic levels of ability in mendacity and mumbojumbo….. I’ve always wondered what happened to them…..

      • @H…b: Talking of secret places, a work colleague many years ago was adamant that his girlfriend worked at a secret care centre place in Surrey which housed throwbacks born to human women…eg people born with webbed feet, hands like camels feet, scales instead of skin, full body hair and a whole lot more. Apparently they were shipped there immediately after birth without the mother even seeing them.

      • @BT She may well have done, such places do exist. Genetic aberrations can cause truly awful abnormality. In the old days, if the infant survived, the options were limited to exhibition for financial gain/incarceration within the home/casting out etc; we humans are pretty squeamish when it comes to tolerating the radically different on the outside. It appears, however, that we are far less discriminating when it comes to internal ‘disfigurement’ (an inability to assemble figures reliably).

        @kfc Agreed, and they all look relatively normal, how do they manage it?! One thing’s for certain, it ain’t natural..

      • @H…b: I think @kfc’s got it right.
        These throwbacks are given huge amounts of plastic surgery, tarted up and when old enough, are parachuted into ready-made positions within the British Establishment, usually politics. The quality of workmanship has improved over the years so it’s difficult to tell them from real humans. But occasionally, summat goes wrong and we end up with someone like Gordon Brown. Have you ever noticed his deformed hand? ;-)

      • @BT Yes, the revised Mark 7′s had that distinctive hand (it resulted from overuse, but we won’t go into that here)…….. they were very troublesome…. faulty batch apparently. Anyway, all been sorted out now…. move along please..

  6. “For when the tough get going, the going gets tough.”

    Backwards ran aphorisms until reeled the mind.

    And the only reason you don’t understand our music is because you don’t like it.

  7. “The answer is one of leveraging potential and changing direction,” he continued, “Like all brilliant ideas, it is simple

    = the Plan is backward compatible, you can be shafted from the front or bend over and be shafted from the rear .

    Either way your’e phucked :-)

  8. The firestarters

    At the end of 2011, the lowest ratios of government debt to GDP were recorded in :

    Estonia (6.0%),
    Bulgaria (16.3%),
    Luxembourg (18.2%),
    Romania (33.3%),
    Sweden (38.4%),
    Lithuania (38.5%),
    the Czech Republic (41.2%),
    Latvia (42.6%), Slovakia (43.3%) and
    Denmark (46.5%).

    the joke continues with the following debt states forcing FISCAL COMPACT on each other !! LOL LOL LOL

    - Fourteen Member States had government debt ratios higher than 60% of GDP in 2011:
    Greece (165.3%),
    Italy (120.1%),
    Ireland (108.2%),
    Portugal (107.8%), Belgium (98.0%),
    France (85.8%),
    United Kingdom (85.7%),
    Germany (81.2%),
    Hungary (80.6%),
    Austria (72.2%),
    Malta (72.0%),
    Cyprus (71.6%),
    Spain (68.5%) and the
    Netherlands (65.2%).

    Π₪₪₪₪Π

    • I wonder how much of Ireland’s debt is actually private bank debt that was socialised by a previous government. Criminals, all of them. And it’s a damning indictment of how lilly-livered a population we are that they weren’t strung up from the nearest lamp post.

      • Superfeck
        Always remember that lots of people like clinical assistants, practice nurses and ICU surgeons are run off their feet 24/7: they don’t have time to think about this crap.
        Which, I suspect, is exactly how the gargoyles want it to be.

  9. The Hellenic Republic Asset Development Fund (HRADF)
    =
    The Greek TREUHAND

    The assets transferred to the Fund can be grouped in three categories:

    real estate
    company shares
    rights

    Specifically, the following have been transferred to the Fund by Inter-ministerial Committee Decision:

    35 Real State buildings
    Shares of Athens International Airport S.A.
    Shares of Hellenic Petroleum (HELPE)
    Shares of ODIE (Hellenic Horse Racing)
    Shares of Ellinikon
    Shares of LARCO
    Shares of the Athens Water Supply and Sewerage Company (EYDAP)
    Shares of Thessaloniki Water Supply and Sewerage Company (EYATH)
    Shares of OLP
    Shares of OLTH
    The economic rights of Hellenic Motorways
    Shares of the Hellenic Football Prognostics Organisation (OPAP)
    Shares of ALPHA Bank
    Shares of National Bank
    Shares of Piraeus Bank
    Rights of natural gas storage in South Kavala
    Rights of State Lottery Tickets
    Gaming Rights to Hellenic Football Prognostics Organisation (OPAP)
    Rights of 39 Regional Airports
    Rights of “Mobile Spectrum”
    Rights of “Mobile Telephony Frequencies” Shares of
    Voting Rights of Hellenic Post (ELTA)
    Voting Rights of 10 Ports

    DONT YOU LOVE IT ?

    Π₪₪₪₪Π

    • From the comment list …

      We are not at the lowest level yet then! I cannot see the “kitchen sink” or the “baby in the bath water” in the list.

      Back to the article when Olli Rehn has had his arms amputated we know it is bad until then “keep them flapping Olli”. Flap baby flap!

      You will learn to fly before you go over a cliff.

      Hence all the procrastination to sort this mess out.

      “Olli has not learned to fly yet.”

    • Beware of anything called Treuhand!
      Boy that was the biggest theft of public assets by private entities ever perpetrated by our government, even bigger than the “privatizations” of the 90s…

    • Takes one cell to come up with an idea and another to rationalise if it will work or not. We do not seem to have many multi-celled brains working on this.

  10. I will take my gold and leverage it somehow. After all, its the answer to all our financial ills!!

    And why stop at gold, leveraging my wife, kids, house, food and underpants should give me at least four of each! – if I use the now world-famous “Lagarde IMF calculator(TM)”

    • Oh and the much wanted war in Iran is on hold. Egypt cut off natgas supplies to Israel and nullified their contracts, now they’ll have to ask Russia for some and the price will be less sabre rattling.

    • @stevie. Thanks Stevie. This makes much more sense than all those zeros. (The graphics make sense – the situation is insane). It clearly shows that debt forgiveness (resetting everything back to zero) is the only way to stop this runaway train. But the people with the levers are mad, bad and dangerous.

      • Or TPTB solution;
        Outright fascism and War.
        A global cull for their sustainability.
        Ignore the hiatus in war talk.
        As they say in the navy .watch out when the grousing
        ceases,as a.sucker punch coming. .
        Truly, they are insane

    • Thanks for that :-) It is rather good as an overall perspective.

      The quid in my pocket I just threw it out the window so the central banks are one short. They can now create a new one.

  11. Is it all coming from some “Master-Brain” in Brussels or Washington?

    Subject: truism that figures lie and liar’s figure…..

    Quote from BBC

    US introduces $60 LED light bulb!
    A prize-winning light bulb that lasts for 20 years is going on sale in the US on Sunday – also known as Earth Day.

    Unquote

    Now, I bought Philips 2 in a pkg 60W long-life bulbs that say good for 2 years [each] = 4 years for $1.49
    [cost per year = $0.38]

    New style bulb cost per year = $3.00/yr

    Therefore, $60 should get me approx 154 years of light using oldstyle bulbs.

    * Now is my math screwy or is this ‘green-stuff’ full of sh*t?

    InfoLink: http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-17788178

    • @Grandpa. Nice one. This “green” product is actually brown – cack. True “green” is doing exactly what you are doing – making old stuff last and last, not buying the latest gizmo, whatever its spurious credentials.

    • It’s the same old same old BBC bollix! A coupla comments:

      - LED bulbs are the way forward. The low-energy bulbs we’ve been forced to buy by the last Labour Govt are simply a distraction. LEDs use far less electricity than low-enrgy bulbs, produce virtually no heat output and last for years. They can even be made to operate like dimmers and are now available in a wide range of colours.

      - A variety of domestic LED bulbs are already available in the UK with various fittings (including regular bayonet, screw and GU10 etc).

      - LED costs are still a tad high but I’ve seen LED GU10s for about £3 each on Internet sites. Prices will plummet over the next five years…

      • the light output of LED GU 10′s has got quite a way to go before it gets to a similar level to a GU10 pinned CFL so you’ll need more of them as well

      • @BT
        Not exactly always when you look at the spread of the light intensity
        I’ve done a lot of checking recently with having found a free (professional) lighting design software download

      • @tembo11: ok. But things are moving…eg: two years ago LEDs weren’t available for dimmers as they couldn’t be fed with variable currents. But last Xmas I bought a £12 pack of 150 LED lights where the LEDs handle three different levels of brightness and consume a total 3.5w!

        On GU10s…the spread of light problem probably comes down to spacing of the LEDs in the ceiling.

    • @MaxC Stanley Unwin would have doubtless referred to our current predicament as ‘deep folly’.

      In the late 1950′s Unwin did a series of radio broadcasts where he interviewed people about their work. Somehow my father’s father (the unwitting ‘getaway driver’ of a previous thread), who was a surveyor, came to be selected as one of these hapless persons to be tied in knots with gobbledygook. I remember the occasion of the broadcast – we were living in a flat and I was 6 or 7 – but sadly can’t remember any of the content except that lungabows were mentioned. I imagine that the tapes, if it wasn’t done live, are all long gone.

  12. The EU was founded on a lie. Members were admitted based on lies. The Euro currency is kept afloat by a lie. Everybody is lying to everybody else.
    You know that; I know that.
    Chancellor Osborne can’t know that, or he wouldn’t have given away 10bn of UK taxpayers’ money that we desperately need – would he?
    Thank God for Sloggers, or I would think it was me going mad.

    • I think ‘mad George’ believes he just paid the premium for a little insurance policy. Let us just hope the IMF is still around when we need a little loan to ‘bridge’ us into the next decade. UK winters can be very cold.

    • @ BT

      pukka : adj. authentic, genuine; good; dependable, reliable

      pucker: v. purse, constrict until tight and wrinkled (i.e. the lips)*; crease, wrinkle; become wrinkled, become creased
      n. fold, crease, wrinkle; gather, tight crease or wrinkle

      From memory, pukka is a word adopted from the natives when we still had the Raj.

      * The reaction caused often by lemons and always by certain lefty females, who in the interests of decorum shall remain unnamed! ;-)

  13. ‘His jacket was then leveraged by two assistants until it was facing in the opposite direction, after which he was led away to shouts from the Financial Times euro correspondent of “Three cheers for Mr Rehn”.’

    Priceless John, I can see that just like the kleptocratic euro politicians you are beginning to get into the spirit of financial armageddon!

    Just an interesting aside ‘Kleptocracy’ & ‘Armageddon’ are both Greek in origin! :-/

    • From the link, my capitalisation -

      “European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso made clear the Dutch HAD TO meet their targets. “We fully expect that the Dutch authorities will find a solution that ensures the financial stability of the country and the wellbeing of its citizens,” he told Reuters on a visit to Copenhagen.”

      Just who does this pillock Barroso think he is? If I were a Cloggie I’d be bouncing Goudas and Edamers off of his fat head.

      • @VJ,
        The Dutch should tell that pillock Barroso that he was a pathetic apology for a Prime Minister (2002-2004), who by the inept policy’s he put in place during his short tenure managed to hasten Portugal’s downward spiral into today’s totally wrecked economy and that with him being a coward as well as an incompetent cretin, when he saw the writing on the wall he quickly abandoned ship for a talking head, non job, with his socialist cronies at the E.U., were he presides over a totally corrupt and bankrupt edifice that has not had its accounts signed off for over a decade.

  14. The leadership of the eu area have been well and truly found out. The politics of the zone is now the laughing stock of the continent.
    It will end in tears as was forecast written and recorded many centuries ago in the respected Domesday Book by the wise men of Hastings.

    • @laurence

      Whoever it is, they have certainly drawn the short straw.

      Sorry – couldn’t resist it. I’ll try to remember to take my meds in future.

  15. ~ “But we are beginning to get into our strides now. For when the tough get going, the going gets tough. I am here today to announce that the eurozone problem is solved once and for ever.” ~

    The really sad part about this otherwise hilarious piece is that they actually said something to that effect just a few weeks ago.
    Are they liars or retards, I still can´t make my mind up…

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