EU SKETCH: From this point, anything is possible

The Slog interviews some experts on the subject of Sovereign Identity

Following the German proposal for a system of Gauleiters throughout the eurozone, merchant and investment banks have been quick to respond with ideas as to how the EU as a whole could be monetized, and thus wipe out its sovereign debt problem. Already, leading lights in the New York Stock and Chicago Mercantile Exchanges have begun to involve the Frankfurt Dax in a scheme to create the world’s first Sovereign Exchange Market (SEM), in which shares in the 27 EU States might ultimately be offered on various bourses, subject to the success or otherwise of the Initial Public Offering (IPO) planned for Greece on two new Singapore and Shanghai SEMs later this year.

“Basically, I think we have to view this new space as, you know, kind of like when VW bought Skoda,” explained Todd Runtwolski, newly appointed Head of Nation State Marketing at Metro-Goering-Norodny in New York. “So although nobody wants to buy Greece right on account of it’s just donkeys struggling under the weight of obese tax evaders, now the actual sovereignty has been the subject of a takeover by Merkel, Schauble, Draghi, then we think investors will see this as a one-off mega-mezzanine opportunity.”

Runtwolski…’mezzanine opportunity’

Critics point out that The Gauleiter Memorandum* represents a hostile takeover widely opposed by Greece’s current owners the Greeks, but Mr Runtwolski brushed this aside as “negadive thinking”.

“Look, we’re all here for the shareholders in the end, right?” he asked assertively, “It’s all a question of ‘are you in or are you out?’ There’s 11.5 million of these guys and they’re starving. They’ll take the money if we cut them in. And if they don’t, then we’ll cut them out. It’s a win-win from our perspective”.

Asked about how MGN would set about the knotty problem of valuation, Runtwolski added, “It’s all a question of directional money-flow. Traditionally, the German State has been associated – unfairly in my view – with a one-way upstream surge of stuff that cynics might call asset-stripping. But really that only happened in minority sectors like Renaissance paintings, national treasures and slave workers. This time we expect the wealth of Germany to trickle down to Athens. It’s simple tried and tested Reaganomics really.”

But Todd was more circumspect on the subject of rebranding.

“That’s an area of some sensidividy,” he conceded, “Greece is a fairly well-established brand with strong associations of holidays, and a very strong smell of kebabs. But in the sovereign investor space, it mainly has connotations of crooks, food-poisoning, and a widespread lack of paperwork. So I guess we’re gonna need a liddle consultancy input on that one”.

I spoke about this issue to leading Sovereign Image advisers Bellend & Pottingshed. High-flying account director Jeremy Gnome-Orrals ran the lucrative Gadaffi account until its unfortunate demise last year, but from his newly-created position as Rogue State Business Developer, he gave us the benefit of his experience.


“Rebranding would be essential,” opined Jems, “And off the top of my head I’d suggest something like New Hellenic Enterprises or whatever. But that’s just dealing off the top of my head. Dealing from the bottom of the pack – do we have a salute here? – Zorba Creative Industries.  We’d need to go back to the classic history as a feint to help the target market forget, well, pretty much everything after 1670 really.”

Further down the line, I asked him, could other rebranding be adopted as the Berlin-dominated EU gradually took over fiscal responsibility for every sovereign member?

“Absolutely,” he enthused, “I mean, gosh, the possibilities are endless. Belgium, you see, is pretty useless and largely thought of in terms of bureacrats, mayonnaise and chips. But rebranded as Lower Goldman Saxony…..well, the sky’s the limit.”

After the events of the last week, I’m not sure there are any limits now. We shall see.

* The Gauleiter Memorandum, soon to be a Hollywood blockbuster starring people who don’t look anything like Tim Geithner, Angela Merkel, Mario Draghi, Wolfgang Schauble, Nicolas Sarkozy or Lucas Papademos.

20 thoughts on “EU SKETCH: From this point, anything is possible

  1. Brilliant.

    Given that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at what’s going on, this piece ticked both boxes.



  2. “After the events of the last week, I’m not sure there are any limits now. We shall see.”

    For what it’s worth my own view is that this sums up perfectly what we have seen over the past 4 months and not just the last week in particular. It has often been suggested ( by myself as well, I admit ) that TPTB welcomed the ‘situation’ as the inevitable and perfect opportunity to further their long planned misbegotten ways.

    The interim has for them been the necessary ‘breaking in’ of the proles to accept the wonderful benevolence of our saviours, TPTB.

    This isn’t cynical ( in my view ) it is the inevitable conclusion from what we have observed.

    As you say ‘time will tell’, but I expect the worse and as admitted before, have prepared for it, such as I can. Frankly, I don’t think we have ‘nothing yet’. If you see what I mean.


  3. @ RG, The French Connexion, the newspaper for English speakers in France were running this last week. I wondered then whether he was just testing the water, as it were. As much because of Mrs Sarky’s ambitions as anything, I admit.


  4. Is there an options market in these funny little countries?I made millions in the Tesco sell off this last 2 weeks ,can I short France,tomorrow,go long that bridge over the Tagus, Wednesday,grant an uncovered call on the Parthenon,Friday and what about Florence I think a straddle option strategy,these market imbalances must be sorted out…


  5. A relative, Bukasa Goodluck Admin, deposited the sum of $30m (THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS) in the Central Bank of Nigeria then died of projectile haemeroids.without leaving a will. As his nearest living relative, you might be in for a share just for giving Mr Cage all your Bank Details . . .


  6. Whats the prospect of a secondary bond market securitising the future tax revenues of these sovereigns? For a one off lump sum which would immediately pay off the bank creditors financing the armaments ordered by the Greeks form US, Germany and France, these armaments could be put to good use in improving the tax revenue stream from Greeks anywhere in the world. A few carefully chosen revisions to the tax code by teams of “big 4” specialists could help root out the global Greek diaspora and screw them to the floor for all the tax they should have paid since (insert your favourite date). One condition, the bond has to be for thirty years, with no time off for good behaviour.


  7. Fabulous, as always makes me laugh.
    But, it occured to me in my ignorance, I wonder, written in the small print in the Greek bonds if there is a “Force Majeure”, in as much, would a military coup be included? Think along the lines of defaulting and not a triggering the CDS’s…..sounds like a win/win situation, doesn’t it?
    Well not for the bond holders that is….


  8. You should quit moanin’ ’bout this ‘n’ that and read what y’all signed up to.
    A fiat economy has certain rules: Like there’s only one boss man an’ that motha decides how much dough is printed and what dues he collects.
    You dudes are worried ’bout some Krauts side-steppin’ that Maginot thing and stealin yo’ sh1t?
    Well, you need to either wise up an’ join up or bale out.


  9. The things one can find when one is just mooching about:

    Putin vs Soros
    by Tom Heneghan, International Intelligence Expert
    Tuesday January 24, 2012

    Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin (left) vs financial terrorist George Soros

    UNITED STATES of America – It can now be reported that the Russian Federation and its Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has issued an arrest warrant for noted financial terrorist and Hungarian bank dick, George Soros.

    Russian Intelligence has fingered Soros for using cross-collateralized compounded Swedish and Danish foreign currency derivatives for the purpose of an attack on the Russian stock market.

    Note: Soros use of these cross-collateralized compounded derivatives utilizing Luxembourg banks violates the terms of the Basil II European Union banking agreement.”

    That is just the first 3 paragraphs! The rest is also worth a read

    The last paragraphs from this blog:
    http: //

    “This proposal is being leaked by two treasonous Greek bankers controlled by the Greek creditors aka Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan.

    Translation: This new proposal would give the creditors the right to declare their coupon at any time, which would:

    1. Turn the 30-year bonds into junks, and

    2. Let Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan LOOT what is left in the Greek treasury and simultaneously declare collateral title on Greek property and assets.

    This new criminal proposal was actually created in the last 24 hours by financial officers at the German Deutsche Bank and the offices of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

    Note: German Chancellor Angela Merkel recently proposed the ECB annexation of the Greek treasury.”

    Is it all pukka-gen or is someone trying to make a name for themselves?


  10. Running the EU from Berlin as a single monetized union opens up endless possibilities.
    The north could be the wealth producing industrial part while the warmer south could be the holiday area where life moves at a pedestrian pace and thoughts of work and saving could be quietly forgotten.
    Oh hang on……………..


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