Weapons of mass distraction

Bit of an old fruit

It can get very tiresome indeed having to deal with mad bankers, blind trade unions, incoherent politicians, unreal eurocrats, crap telly and global economic wake-up calls/meltdowns/implosions/warming. So here is a selection of other news to revitalise you as the afternoon palls. Think of it as the blogging equivalent of a Mars Bar.

At Davos this morning, Lord Manglesum of Coy told his audience that he did not need lessons in ethics from bankers. Bankers immediately responded by saying that they would pay dearly for his Lordship’s advice on how to stay out of jail.

UK Cities Minister Greg Clarke is to address our politician problem by fast-tracking the creation of eleven more of them. He told the media yesterday that economic growth could be boosted by asking voters in a referendum if they wanted more elected mayors for major cities. Later today, Theresa May will explain why teaching rapists how to cook is likely to reduce the divorce rate.

The Ministry of Defence told MPs yesterday that it has somehow mislaid £5.2bn of military equipment. The lost items include helicopter rotor blades, night-vision goggles and an inflatable boat. However, as luck would have it the civil servants were able to announce that they had found £1.3 trillion worth of pension emoluments to which they were not legally entitled.

Former editor of the New Statesman John Kampfner told the Leveson Enquiry that “a leading Blairite spin doctor” had been in the habit of dictating stories to Lobby Correspondents during the 1990s. Asked about the allegation, former leading Blairite sin concoctor Alistair Campbell insisted that he could not envisage any such thing having happened ever, but that he had made the entire David Mellor shagging in a Chelsea strip story up in the interests of journalistic accuracy.

Nottingham couple Catherine and Gareth Bull told the media that they “went into shock” after hearing that they had won over £40m in the euromillions lottery. They said they would spend some of it on a box at Manchester United, and spend what was left on two large cod and chips at the El Paso Supper Bar in Prestwich.

Homosexual Human Rights campaigner Peter Tatchell is 60 today. He has been campaigning for the right of every male human to be outed as a homosexual, he told The Times, “for 45 years”, and claims that he has been single-handedly responsible for doubling the number of homosexual men who would rather not say. For this, we all owe him a vote of thanks.

21 thoughts on “Weapons of mass distraction

  1. “Nottingham couple Catherine and Gareth Bull told the media that they “went into shock” after hearing that they had won over £40m in the euromillions lottery. They said they would spend some of it on a box at Manchester United” … as opposed to one of their struggling neighbourhood football clubs. Pah

  2. Couple of headlines in the Times (paywall) just caught my eye.

    Rothschild ‘not Mandelson’s puppet-master’
    and
    Stanford billionaire lifestyle ‘funded by lying and theft’

    Why would I think/hope there might be a connection? One can but hope.

  3. Gave me a chuckle thanks !

    By the way – a good loss leader in Tesco’s today which will also piss off the health freaks – which is always good news too ! According to Hot UK deals daily alert you can get 9 normal sized Mars bars for £1.00 – the validity of this to a chocoholic may be worth having a look out for. But I’ve done my Tesco’s trip for the forseeable so will not indulge myself :)

  4. I had to skip Davos this year,as one of my 100m yachts was out of action,and so I went skiing,instead, in Austria.Anyway,I offered a session on ‘Democracies borrowing to pay for their social welfare programmes,and the future debt of my step grand children’,but this was rejected on the grounds that this was a hypothetical notion .I then asked these smart arses,why if they were so rich,had they not asked a certain previous Thomas a Beckett,the Lord Carey,to address them on the subject of giving free cash to all and sundry,thus perpetuating poverty Reply,came there none..

  5. Cameron said this in PMQ’s today:
    “Labour, he said, had only one answer: “To deal with a debt crisis by borrowing more and adding to debt.

    “That would wreck our interest rates, wreck our economy and make things much worse.”

    Someone should point out to him that he seems happy for the EU to deal with the crisis in this manner.
    The man’s hypocrisy is astounding.

    • Kentucky
      Cameron isn’t bright enough for hypocrisy.
      But if you substitute ‘stupidity’ in that last line, I’m with you all the way.

    • “That would wreck our interest rates..”

      What does he mean by that. They might go up? I wish. If this bunch of inept politicos actually arranged for some interest to be paid on savings, I bet a lot of cash would flood back into accounts from the various hidey holes.

      Perish the thought but if the rates actually exceeded the deliberately induced inflation I wouldn’t be surprised to see the savers who outnumber the debtors by 7 to 1 apparently, actually spending again.

      That wont happen of course, but I wonder how long it will be before they introduce some new bank notes to replace the existing 20′s and 50′s (yes, 50′s already done but the old one’s are still legal tender, but for how long?) to force the cash back into accounts which lose the ‘investor’ 4 or 5%.

      First they create the problem, then they legislate to force people to submit to the effects of the problem. Don’t they?

      • @Jwoo

        Well put.

        As to “not borrowing” the Tories simply allow it to be printed – if they borrowed the sort of money they are printing on the open market, the interest rates would go up. With that, sterling might go up too and thus curb inflation to a degree.

        If they did it now, it might just stop inflation from coasting unwittingly over the tipping point that leads to an inflationary spiral.

    • Don’t just BLOG IT, DO AS WE DO AND GIVE THEM A PIECE OF YOUR MIND £ TIMES A DAY AFTER MEALS FOREVER.

      privateoffice @ no10.x.gsi.gov.uk (PM)

      cc: psdpm @ cabinet-office.x.gsi.gov.uk (clegg)
      cc: george.osborne.mp @ hmtreasury.gsi.gov.uk (Osborne)

      • @TJ

        I believe all British politicians have an email folder especially for such messages. It is not marked “Trash” (as such things get called online) but it is the second best option, which largely goes unread – the spam folder.

  6. Don’t just BLOG IT, DO AS WE DO AND GIVE THEM A PIECE OF YOUR MIND 3 TIMES A DAY AFTER MEALS FOREVER.

    privateoffice @ no10.x.gsi.gov.uk (PM)

    cc: psdpm @ cabinet-office.x.gsi.gov.uk (clegg)
    cc: george.osborne.mp @ hmtreasury.gsi.gov.uk (Osborne)
    Reply

    • TJ
      They just change the address when they get too much mail they don’t want.
      Wonder if the “x” in the privateoffice address started life as an “a”? Bet it did…

      • “They just change the address when they get too much mail they don’t want.”

        Plus of course the fact that you cannot influence government, unless you have lots of lobby money to buy them up with.

        You can hurt corporations because market forces will win. Governments have to be, how shall we say, physically influenced, before they will react without the offer of cash.

  7. @Jwoo.
    “Governments have to be, how shall we say, physically influenced, before they will react without the offer of cash.”
    I believe there are a few of them “Strapped for cash”
    ;)

  8. The old fruit talking through his backside at Davos, (sorry, couldn’t resist that), most likely on another freeby and probably the guest of some of the people who associate with him because of his profound understanding of business and economics, his intellect, his charm and his wit but then again maybe not, or maybe they just want to know how he funds a £7+ million pound house with his job.

    ———————————————————————————————–
    Lord Mandelson, former EU trade minister and onetime Prince of Darkness under Labour, decided to break with Davos Rules at lunchtime, launching a spirited attack on Gerard Lyons, the chief economist at Standard Chartered. Lyons had the temerity to suggest that the euro was so fundamentally flawed it “cannot survive”.
    In piece of theatre straight from the Art of Politics, Chapter 1, Page 1, Lord Mandelson attacked Lyons for something he hadn’t quite said. “Gerard, you clearly have no wish or will to see the eurozone survive,” he said. He added for good measure that it would be a cold day in hell before eurozone leaders began taking advice from a bunch of bankers.
    Lord Mandelson knows that, as chief economist, Lyons has about as much to do with the financial meltdown as I do. But, no matter, Lord Mandelson got the banker-bash in and spoke to Gerard as a disappointed father might a recalcitrant teenager. Willing the euro to collapse would bring calamity, a fall in living standards and countless other disasters. Better would be a “laser like focus” on fixing the damn thing. Shame on you Gerry!
    Lyons gently pointed out that he was merely outlining the economic facts and at no stage had said he wanted the euro to collapse. But, Lord Mandelson had grabbed everyone’s attention and the argument was made. The fact that he is launching a report on globalisation here tomorrow would, obviously, have nothing to do with his sudden plunge into the limelight today.

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