Beware bunga-bunga invites, busking, and burglars bearing security advice

“Oooooh, it’s like a little firework in my mouth,” said a very gay contestant in Come Dine with Me tonight, in describing a spicy crab fishcake served up by the hostess. It was too much for the other people around the table, and it was far too much for me. I know it’s childish, but my youth was spent fnar-fnarring after Sunday lunch at Round the Horne.

One gets strange days like these; it’s part of the variety of conscious existence. George Clooney was among more than 200 witnesses accepted today by a Milan court in the trial of former Premier Silvio Berlusconi for allegedly paying for sex with an underage prostitute. It seems that Clooney accepted a Berlusconi bunga-bunga invite just the once, but didn’t inhale. “I went there to speak about Darfur,” he said, with a straight face.

Famous mezzo soprano Katherine Jenkins normally fills concert halls, but decided today that she’d busk instead. The 31-one-year-old star  performed for 45 minutes, earning about £10. One (1) passer-by said she’d been moved to tears. “That’s amazing,” said Jenkins, when told about it. I’m not quite sure how to interpret that. Did she mean to be modest, or did she mean “I’m amazed that anyone should be moved to tears by my awful singing”? We shall never know. And I still don’t know why she did the gig in the first place…..although allegedly, she gave the ten quid to a homeless charity. Much better to give it to a charity with an office at least, love.

High point of the day for me was learning that a 16 year-old serial burglar had been coached to send a letter of remorse to his last victims. The missive turned into a biting critique of their domestic security arrangements, including the classic phrase, ‘…you were thick enough to leave your downstairs kitchen window open. I wouldn’t do that in a million years’. You have to admit, he has a point. The prison said that the decision was taken to release the letter to the media as a warning to householders to secure their properties.

This could catch on in a big way. A year or two from now, I can foresee a letter from Lloyd Blankfein to all those pauperised by him doing God’s work with such zeal. ‘I don’t feel sorry for none of you, you sat back and watched Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while I was busy living the dream at your expense hahahahahahaaa”. James Murdoch might write from his prison cell to suggest that, “Instead of reading the tabloid sh*te my family sold on the pretext that it was a newspaper, you would’ve been better served paying attention during the run-up to the Iraq War’. We must all nurture our dreams, and this one is mine.

But a piece in today’s Dacre Wail beats this story by a country mile. A wealthy Aussie bloke decided it would be useful to synchronise his alarm system cameras with his Ipad, so that while he was enjoying a sunshine break in Mauritius, he could check the place out back home, and ensure that everything was tickerty-boo. Imagine his relief when on the second day over breakfast, he watched burglars ransacking his home while he was a long way away on the paradise Indian Ocean island.

He told the media, ‘I was shocked. I was watching them for a good two minutes before I called the cops. I didn’t know what to do.’ So then, TechnoMan, why the f**k did you want to keep an eye on your home in the first place? Anyway, it all turned out well in the end. Two men, aged 32 and 55, were arrested at the scene of the raid. The Herald Sun reported that both had been charged with burglary and theft – and are due to appear in court next month.

We should perhaps expect an acerbic, unapologetic letter in due course, along the lines of  “I’m not sorry I done your place. You was asking for it you rich pillock with your poncey holidays in the Indian Ocean, and also you taking our pictures like what you done is a diabolical infringement of our human rights”.