MY LIFE OF HELL WITH SICKO PHONE-BEAST PIERS MORGAN
How Morgan hacked the Queen while he and sex-bomb Celia were, um, doing, you know, the naughty thing.
Twisted message perv Piers Morgan stands accused today of being a heartless phone-nuisance bastard who hacked every friend he ever had and even probed the mobile box of posh-totty missus Celia Walden nudge nudge gerrit.
Morgan, 58 – described by friends as ‘a bit of a loner who dyed his hair black and lashed out for no reason at braindead Tory totty’ – insists that he is entirely innocent, but cried like a pathetic baby when we yelled through his $80 million Hollywood letter-box last night.
“I can’t tell you what it was like,” said Daily Telegraph divorce correspondent Celia Walden this morning, “but as you’re paying me a shedload of money oh alright then, I will. My life in California was a Hell caused by Piers and his 24/7 obsession with celebrity bollocks. I’d ring friends and they’d ask where Piers was. So I’d tell them he was punching numbers into his phone, and they’d hang up. You know, California is a very lonely place if your husband is a prick, but it is by far the best place in the world to get divorced because the blokes have to, like, give you everything, and the thing with stuff like this is, there’s always a book in it.”
Today, we can reveal that phone-sex-nuisance-perv Morgan deserted blue-stocking Tory MP’s curvaceous daughter and divorce-obsessed bright-rumpy-pumpy Celia in favour of very boring celebrities who were the only people chat-host-voyeur-CNN-clanger Piers could get onto his show. It was the final straw that broke the story’s back, and left home-alone-tv-widow Walden with no choice but to use a pay phone and ring us up with the full monty.
“I realised it was all over,” sobbed pert 18 year-old Celia from Tooting Bec, “when I came home one afternoon and he was hacking himself. Also his show isn’t doing very well”.
Celia plans to dish the dirt all over again in her new book, Babysitting Piers, available from BarclayBro Publications. She will join a throng of dirt-dishers gunning for Arse Rim Pong, including Amanda Holden, Heather Mills, Nancy Dell’Olio, James Hewitt, Sue Akers, and the British Army.
Next week: What Piers Morgan was doing on 9/11, and his links to Al-Q’eada