Mr Miliband recently shown promoting a newspaper he despises

Op aims to stop audiences snoring during his speeches

If ever there was a load of old bollocks, it was the press release covering the ‘reason’ for Ed Miliband’s nose operation yesterday: to help with his ‘sleep apnea’ problem. The real issue being addressed is that when he speaks, Ed thunds like heeth got a gubshield up hith nothe, and vugh thound iwwtateththethe the cwap out of  evvvywun.

But very few people realise that the operation was booked months ago with another aim in mind: to reshape the conk in order that he might more easily insert it up the Dirty Digger’s bumhole.

Although that is no longer necessary now that Ed the Brave has discovered Mr Murdoch to be the Devil’s Spawn, the op will go ahead in order to help Mr Miliband smell trouble more easily. Said his media advisor, illegitimate Roop-son Tom Baldrick, “I had to move Heaven and Earth to get Ed an audience with Sir Rupert, and foolishly he was all for it. It’s tough working for a bloke with no sense of smell”.

Among other things Ed has yet to smell is the plot against his supine leadership, a rat (take your pick), when Labour-supporting Piers Morgan’s goose is cooking nicely, and when the Wapping Liars are using him for publicity purposes.

Replying to criticism of his voice, Mr Miliband observed, “Lithen, Labuh ith yoour voith in hard timeth”.

Related: Ed Miliband’s 90th minute conversion to Murdoch-bashing.