“…’ere, no – mate….wanna buy a watch?”

Keen students of show business may well remember that Piers Morgan (aka his latest anagram, the Grime Parson) claims he was the man who cost Paul McCartney about £24.3 million, by introducing him to Heather Mills-Bomb. During the courtship, however, the Unibomber apparently texted to a friend, ‘I’m being pursued by a Beatle’. Thinking back, mind you, I’m not sure I recall how we knew about that text….but never mind.

Anyway, there I was, bored of re-reading  Arse Rim Pong’s memoirs the other day, when I stumbled upon reports that the Newscorp media empire was being accused of hacking Paul McCartney’s entourage – at the very least, those who are close to (or work for) him.

Members of his former publicity firm claim they were victims, and his current publicist Stuart Bell may have also been a victim, having reported at some stage that voicemail messages to him were deleted before he heard them.

Heather herself, presumably still “lookin’ fer just a few million quid ter loooook after wor babbie like wi-aye” is reportedly considering suing Murdoch’s now defunct News of the Screws for breach of privacy. It could be, however, that the infamous gold miner is this time digging in the wrong place….and the wrong time period.

Last February, Private Eye ran a piece (about which I’d forgotten until prompted by veteran Slogger and author Michael Allen) that Piers of the pure-white driven snow was at that time doing typical tabloid cornered-rat TV interviews saying that attacks on Andy Coulson “are all a Guardian witch-hunt”. Some would see such studio appearances as frightened self-defence, others as philanthropic putting-straight of the record by the Romping one….I couldn’t possibly comment. Later in the piece, however, the Hislop Cyclops wrote as follows (my emphases):

‘Moron, meanwhile, is enjoying the limelight as a celeb interviewer on cable TV. Former Mirror hacks have this week been reminiscing about the occasion when Moron serenaded their newsroom with the Beatles song “And I Love Her” during a period of pre-wedding froideur between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, and then informed them that “It’s the message he sang to Heather to make it up — you should hear the tape.”

Piers Morgan did not contest the story, or sue on the basis of it. But I think you’ll agree with The Slog that the highlighted words above do point the implicating finger of something in need of explanation at Morgan. How did he get to hear the tape, left on a mobile messaging service?

Of course, it could be that Macca sent it to him as a thank you. But as sources close to the Beatle told The Slog yesterday, “Piers sees himself as a friend of Paul, but he’s the only one who does……Piers claims he introduced Heather to Paul, but….” and then his voiced trailed away meaningfully.

All suggesting, perhaps, the Romping Arse is full of sh*t. Not a pleasant thought. Anyway, I’ve passed these details on to my good friend, Asst Commissioner Sue Akers. I doubt if she’ll be able to act on them because they are – as we legal scholars know only too well – circumstantial and hearsay. Allegedly.

I would’ve pursued this further with Heather’s publicists, but they all seem to hate her even more than the hacks do. Former Mills pr Michele Elyzabeth told the Mail in November 2008 that ‘the former model duped her into lying for her and leaked false stories to blacken Sir Paul’s name. During her explosive rant she refers to Miss Mills as a pathological liar, a witch, a bitch and a gold-digger who married the former Beatle for his money.’

Oh dear. This is beginning to make the Murdoch stuff look relatively tame. Meanwhile, Mr Morgan – himself a former employee of Rupert Murdoch – has another anagram to his name: rm – a rope sign. His mouth is, in many ways, something of a potential rope for Piers. Whether it will be a means of escape, or hanging him, remains to be seen.

Next time on the End of the Piers Show: Is there a major McCartney porkie in The Insider?

Related: Piers Morgan’s writings – some extracts