Sooner or later, the Wappers start to show

Wrestling a snake to the floor before gutting it is never easy, and that’s what I’ve been doing for much of the day….not as yet with complete success. It’s not only stressful – after a few years, the stress begins to show. I have yet to see a US President, for example, leave Office looking any less than thirty years older than the day he was elected.

And yes girls, it would be nice to say ‘or she’; and I was for Hillary. But I think much of the stress of high office (and big office) is caused by the necessity to tell thumping great lies for most of the day for up to eight years. Which is why the latest picture of Rebekah Brooks at the top of this piece is so tragic.

For Becky Redtop is suffering from the extra-rapid ageing that goes with telling hundreds of Wapping lies 24/7 for seventeen years. The ghastly denouement we see above is what suddenly happens when, instead of Prime Ministers kissing your editor’s seat with every steaming great fib that drips from your thin lips, somebody says – instead – “Don’t make me f**kin’ larf gurl”.

Piers Morgan has been staying out of sight all day today, and I have a hunch he may not turn up on his CNN show tonight. I can now exclusively reveal that he too has had the same terrifying experience as Ms Brooks: all those hundreds of pages of lies about how people loved him (when he knew perfectly well they all thought he was a classic Arsenal supporting tosser) and all these latest denials about using phone hacks for stories….they too have taken their toll, as hundreds of journalists and celebs have suddenly started to shout, “Pants on fire!”

This is a Slog paparazzi’s exclusive shot taken early this evening as poor Piers left for the office:

We should all be humble tonight. We should all think to ourselves, ‘There but for me not being a complete arsehole go I’.