Fragrant copper-topped News International CEO Ahreadsum Books has sent this email to The Slog:

Dearest Sloggers

On behalf of all the innocent young people who may now lose their jobs here at the Wapping-Fibs Estate, I would like to once again affirm that we at Newscorp have never condoned the practice of hacking mobile phones and then being found out. I am appalled, disgusted and overwhelmed with grief-stricken remorse about this tragic example of hacking a murdered person’s phone, especially as it happened while I was editor in charge of anti-paedo stories, right under my nose, for some three weeks, entirely without my knowledge or indeed that of my employer and close friend although he no longer wants to know me, Sir Rupert Murdoch, OBE.

Myself and former colleague Andrew Coulson are convinced that a plot organised by the Red Hordes at the Guardian, Independent and BBC deliberately switched our optician’s prescription such that we would be able to see opportunities, bent coppers and money perfectly well, but not dozens of hacks’ emails saying things like “Innit great that the Surrey filth are on our side, Beks?” and then disgustingly, unimaginably doing something as sick and deplorable as hacking a murdered girl’s phone. My sympathies are with the parents in this their hour of suing the arse off us, and I should like to reassure them that I will leave no turd unstoned in my search for the guilty, but that if they persist in their vindictive action, then I shall reluctantly have to employ the services of Michael Silvertongue QC to bully the crap out of them.

In a spirit of complete cooperation and bribing Max Clifford with seven hundred and fifty thousand spondoolicks, we are of course now quite voluntarily denying any responsibility for any of this because as you know it happened before 2004 and is therefore inadmissable as evidence, at least I think that’s what the lawyers told me, I can’t entirely recall as it was snowing like fuck up my nose at the time.

Finally, let me take this moment to desist from sanctimonious claptrap and assure everyone in Britain that my very distant friend the Prime Minister is entirely innocent, and while he may have been momentarily tempted by the vast readership on offer from my Australian employer whose name escapes me, he has now shown his complete independence in this matter by giving the job of clearing the bid for BSkyB to Basil Brush, a man well steeped in the game of Monopoly – as his company Hotcourses demonstrated par excellence, during many years of elbowing any emergent competition out of the way.

Indeed, Mr Hunt issued this statement this afternoon:

‘As the Bumboy Tsarevich charged with the job of ramming this deal up everyone’s back passage whether they like it or not, I should like to make it clear that my Department holds no brief whatsoever, given we are only in charge of the Nation’s culture, for determining whether a foul tank of frenzied  sharks should be given a dominant position in the UK televisual media market. That is not our concern, we are merely here to ask what the Prime Minister wants, and then do it. And take whatever future favours might be coming our way, in the spirit of entirely open and level playing fields such as one might find at Eton and other privileged establishments. Goodness me, is that the time? I really must be off before somebody asks me a difficult question about the British Council”.

So it is with a heavy heart and a light brain that I continue to deny ever having bribed a copper, even though I told the 2007 Select Committee that I did. It is beyond belief that anyone would stoop to such a decadent act, and quite out of order for the Communist press to put all those videos of me mispeaking on YouTube.

We are after all in this together – me, Andy, James, Charlie, Cammers and Edmondson and all the rest of the liars – and so together we will fight this witch-hunt until the Shield of Truth has been held up against the Sword of Overwhelming Evidence.

Shockingly, regrettably, incredibly and I’ll get my tits out if you like

Rebekah Brooks, 3 A’s and 2 O’s + GCSE spelling.

PS Andy, you did fix it for the hack into Jade Goody’s coffin to be erased didn’t you? Cuddles, R x