Fragrant copper-topped News International CEO Ahreadsum Books has sent this email to The Slog:

Dearest Sloggers

On behalf of all the innocent young people who may now lose their jobs here at the Wapping-Fibs Estate, I would like to once again affirm that we at Newscorp have never condoned the practice of hacking mobile phones and then being found out. I am appalled, disgusted and overwhelmed with grief-stricken remorse about this tragic example of hacking a murdered person’s phone, especially as it happened while I was editor in charge of anti-paedo stories, right under my nose, for some three weeks, entirely without my knowledge or indeed that of my employer and close friend although he no longer wants to know me, Sir Rupert Murdoch, OBE.

Myself and former colleague Andrew Coulson are convinced that a plot organised by the Red Hordes at the Guardian, Independent and BBC deliberately switched our optician’s prescription such that we would be able to see opportunities, bent coppers and money perfectly well, but not dozens of hacks’ emails saying things like “Innit great that the Surrey filth are on our side, Beks?” and then disgustingly, unimaginably doing something as sick and deplorable as hacking a murdered girl’s phone. My sympathies are with the parents in this their hour of suing the arse off us, and I should like to reassure them that I will leave no turd unstoned in my search for the guilty, but that if they persist in their vindictive action, then I shall reluctantly have to employ the services of Michael Silvertongue QC to bully the crap out of them.

In a spirit of complete cooperation and bribing Max Clifford with seven hundred and fifty thousand spondoolicks, we are of course now quite voluntarily denying any responsibility for any of this because as you know it happened before 2004 and is therefore inadmissable as evidence, at least I think that’s what the lawyers told me, I can’t entirely recall as it was snowing like fuck up my nose at the time.

Finally, let me take this moment to desist from sanctimonious claptrap and assure everyone in Britain that my very distant friend the Prime Minister is entirely innocent, and while he may have been momentarily tempted by the vast readership on offer from my Australian employer whose name escapes me, he has now shown his complete independence in this matter by giving the job of clearing the bid for BSkyB to Basil Brush, a man well steeped in the game of Monopoly – as his company Hotcourses demonstrated par excellence, during many years of elbowing any emergent competition out of the way.

Indeed, Mr Hunt issued this statement this afternoon:

‘As the Bumboy Tsarevich charged with the job of ramming this deal up everyone’s back passage whether they like it or not, I should like to make it clear that my Department holds no brief whatsoever, given we are only in charge of the Nation’s culture, for determining whether a foul tank of frenzied  sharks should be given a dominant position in the UK televisual media market. That is not our concern, we are merely here to ask what the Prime Minister wants, and then do it. And take whatever future favours might be coming our way, in the spirit of entirely open and level playing fields such as one might find at Eton and other privileged establishments. Goodness me, is that the time? I really must be off before somebody asks me a difficult question about the British Council”.

So it is with a heavy heart and a light brain that I continue to deny ever having bribed a copper, even though I told the 2007 Select Committee that I did. It is beyond belief that anyone would stoop to such a decadent act, and quite out of order for the Communist press to put all those videos of me mispeaking on YouTube.

We are after all in this together – me, Andy, James, Charlie, Cammers and Edmondson and all the rest of the liars – and so together we will fight this witch-hunt until the Shield of Truth has been held up against the Sword of Overwhelming Evidence.

Shockingly, regrettably, incredibly and I’ll get my tits out if you like

Rebekah Brooks, 3 A’s and 2 O’s + GCSE spelling.

PS Andy, you did fix it for the hack into Jade Goody’s coffin to be erased didn’t you? Cuddles, R x




  1. What a treat — and it ain’t even April 1!!!

    Now this is the kind of fire in the belly that the whole blinkin’ nation needs to show and stand up against all the gargoyles — eu, mad corporates, mad bankers, even madder pols…


  2. Ha! I think you enjoyed writing that nearly as much as I enjoyed reading it! Bloody hell, you couldn’t make it up, could you? I’ve been sitting here all day with a big grin on my face think that now, surely, now, the sh*t’s gotta hit the fan and dump all over Brooks and Coulson. Surely? (Please?)

    My ‘how stupid do you think we feckin’ are, you patronising cow?’ moment today was reading her email to her staff, with the closing comment “I hope that you all realise it is inconceivable that I knew or worse, sanctioned these appalling allegations”.

    Duh. Firstly, it is without a shadow of a doubt that it is in fact *wholly* conceivable that you, Ms Brooks, knew about it. You were the feckin’ editor for crying out loud!

    And secondly, whilst any normal human beings with a soul and a conscience are feeling revulsion at the awful, terrible, amoral behaviour of the red-topped hacks, your primary concern instead seems to be covering your arse.


  3. What I am loving now – in a negative way, you understand – is the continual assertion in any papers that are (allowed to be) covering the story that the (arguably) criminal activity of the NOTW senior staff and the implicit (and reasonable) assumption that Murdoch himself was and is fully and totally and utterly aware of every last jot and tittle of the evidence that is now ‘surprising’ everyone so much, cannot now be grounds for denying the right to News Corp to take over Sky.
    It can only be denied now, apparently, on the grounds of too much power in limited hands. A limit to competition. That’s all…
    Not that the company attempting the takeover with the help and complicity of Her Majesty’s Government is behaving in a way that would strike envy to the heart of every self-respecting corrupt Mafioso. That’s apparently OK. A given. Uncriticisable.
    Again I ask:

    Puzzled of Muswell Hill


  4. “…and I’ll get my tits out if you like”

    Are they worth seeing? Extrapolating on the piccies thrown up by Google, where she is shown fully-clothed, I feel the short answer is “No”. But her legs and buttocks don’t look to be at all bad – a beneficial effect of the muscular exercise she has when riding with CaMoron? So, could we perhaps swap tits for gearbox, before the bull-dykes in Holloway totally ruin it for her.

    The Google photo gallery also shows a hell of a lot of piccies of Milly Dowler – amongst other “celebrities” with whom this witch’s name has been brought into connection. One cannot help but think of a snare around a rabbits neck – it also takes a while for the rabbit to be despatched, but it will be, sooner or later!


  5. Well, you’ve told it like you see it and pretty much how, I would guess, many of us suspect it is. On the personal level, there is the wholly irresponsible, cold-blooded manner in which irreparable damage has been done to the Dowler family. What is quite as unacceptable in its way is the lasting harm that is about to be done to this country and its big society when Mr Hunt applies his rubber stamp. The tragedy is that even now the act will not be stopped. Apart from a couple of back-benchers nobody who cares has the power to do anything to the purpose, while those who might possibly be able to affect the outcome are either indifferent or seem not to be overburdened with either courage or integrity. It is very difficult to imagine that, after few words of sincere apology and a fair chunk of cash, all will not end as it was always going to.


  6. Ford cars suspend NOTW advertising, npower reviewing it’s options concerning advertising in the NOTW.


  7. Hugh Grant just gave it both barrels on News 24 – “untrustworthy police”, “our craven politicians”, can’t understand why anyone would want to advertise in, or buy, NoTW this Saturday.

    He isn’t going to settle for damages, that’s for sure.


  8. Is anyone really surprised that tabloid hacks are corrupt and amoral? Seems like another, “no shit Sherlock” moment to me.

    And please: Os & As without those pesky apostrophes.


  9. Somewhat pee’d off that my previous response to the above repulsive sophistry totally disappeared (if there’s a profanity filter on this site at least inform us beforehand).

    Anyway, go fist yourself Ed, and rub your disgusting presumption that we should share your Murdoch-worshipping cynicism on your knuckles beforehand.


  10. IR
    I must have mentioned a hundred times that f*** and c*** aren’t allowed. I know I used the f-word myself in the Brooks gag yesterday, but that was in a comedic context.
    As it happens, I don’t pre moderate anything at all. the f and c things is automatic.


  11. I’ve seen this, The Squib is quite good, too. Excellent. SKY FALLS IN ON MURDOCH SHOCK. etc etc etc


  12. It seems like profanities such as ‘Hitler’ and ‘Nazi’ aren’t allowed on the BBC News website either.


  13. Sorry JW – rarely swear myself actually – the heady excitement of the moment got to me.

    Sorry to Ed P for being rude too.


  14. @Mark Lenel:
    I didn’t know that but it doesn’t surprise me one jot.
    The socialist BBC has spent a lifetime trying to distance itself from the simple truth that fascism is not a “far right” politicial ideology as it repeatedly claims, but is in fact totalitarian socialism, viz Hitler and Mussolini – both lifelong socialists. New Lab had the makings of becoming a new Musso under Blair.


  15. Fruity language IR, but I fail to understand what pint you are making. I loathe all Murdoch’s effluent and never knowingly read it – perhaps you had a momentary irony bypass?


  16. Quote”I didn’t know that but it doesn’t surprise me one jot.
    The socialist BBC has spent a lifetime trying to distance itself from the simple truth that fascism is not a “far right” politicial ideology as it repeatedly claims, but is in fact totalitarian socialism, viz Hitler and Mussolini – both lifelong socialists. New Lab had the makings of becoming a new Musso under Blair”.

    Well said, can you believe I was reprimanded for having such “fanciful-anti-British thoughts” many years ago. Damn me and my enquiring mind.

    “the Shield of Truth has been held up against the Sword of Overwhelming Evidence”.
    This has got to be deserving of my (one -a-day) OMG quota!
    Par excellance!!
    Hilarious,simply brilliant!

    Thank you.


  17. A good read after a good week – but let’s not forget folks, Murdoch is still here and SunonSunday is allegedly being prepared to assume the mantle of NOTW (the demise of which is being said to have been devised last November).

    Have a good laugh now, but do not count your chickens until the cock crows – the work goes on.


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