M. Jean-Clauder Juncker test-drives the new euro
After a great deal of deliberation, altercation, masturbation and machination, the Bundesbank and the European Central Bank have decided to relaunch the euro, which will in future be backed by the Bog Standard. Although not at first sight the most prepossessing name one might choose, it turns out on examination to be an inspired choice.
First and foremost, the acronym matches that of the Bank of Greece, thus signalling that the currency’s backup will be dodgy, overvalued, and run by con artists who could sell gefillte fish in Tehran.
Secondly, it is widely recognised among English speakers (still by far the most common European language) as the colloquial term for a water-closet – or what the better bred class of American would term “the shitter”. The directors of the ECB felt that this represented near-perfect symbolism, in that bogs are not only something every home must have, but are always poised just above the sewer system.
Third – and more literally – the word actually represents the nature of the backing chosen, peat. As the Republic of Ireland is rich in peat bogs, it will henceforth be the monopoly supplier to the Central Bank, and is thus expected on this basis to have cleared off all its debts entirely by next Wednesday.
Peat futures leapt by 4.3bn% on the news.
Hailing this as a major triumph for the innovation before it has even been launched, Herr Jens Wideboy of the Bundesbank said, “I sink ve vill be seeink ze Bog Standard euro brink great joy to Gross Deut, er ze European Union, just as unser geliebter Führer envisaged great sings für ze Reich once he had rid Aryans of Judenkonfetti I’m sorry I didn’t mean zat I have been under great strain please forgive me for beink so German I must try harder Dive! Dive! Dive!”
Fisco-economic guru Android Evan-Elpus wrote in his column this afternoon that ‘the other rather neat thing about peat bogs is that they are rare and valued, but things sink into them’.
In a rare show of emotion, ECB Chairman Larry O’Dragqueen this evening told a press conference, “Whaddevva gets you through the night, I’ve had it up to here with these krauts, if peat is what they want then f**k it, I’m going home for some spaghetti vongole like what mama used to make”.
Reacting to the news, Greenpeace immediately vowed to fight the use of peat as a currency backing tooth and nail. The radical ecologist agitprop combine then upped the vow to a pledge, later raising it to a threat.
“The peat bog is one of the last symbols of nature not as yet raped by the Bilderberger clique and their financier Jewish allies in the Nationwide Building Society,” asserted the organisation’s European Ecommissar and Peace Flotilla Kapitan Dag Hammasickle, “and who knows how many skeletons of those murdered by neo-fascist lickspittle hyenas lie under there? We shall immediately be organising a Human Peace Chain around the Irish bogs, using surplus IRA Kalashnikovs purely as a means of passive self-defence”.
Speaking from the bottom of a cockney accent imitation echo-chamber, Senior ISIS Vice-Beheader Second Class Mohammed Mahmoud Al’Ryad Abdul Aqba Innit told Mr Al Jazz-Era in an exclusive interview, “You Obama is to blame for dissin’ us roit, an we iz like on your case an shit man, yahknowhatamsayin?”
But the final word must go to the euro’s father figure, Monsieur Zuta Delors, a frail 89 year old who has been in hiding ever since new EU President Jean-Claude Drunker last week described him as “my inspiration”.
“Look, I’m just an old man who innocently f**ked an entire continent and groomed a currency,” he whispered hoarsely, “but for what it’s worth, I think the best way to generate unqualified support for the Bog Standard euro is to say that, every day it remains a success, we will dunk the Luxembourgeois sac-a-vin in a Kerry cess-pit”.
There is a sound degree of stick and carrot in there that, grudgingly, The Slog thinks a remarkable bit of sagesse.
Earlier at The Slog: Ignore the Rochester hype: Reckless is going to win, get over it
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