THE TRADE DEFICIT….A word on the quiet to George Osborne:

osbearfinal

Dear Chancellor

Harsh maybe, fair undoubtedly: you have thus far saved £18bn of government expenditure in over two years, but failed to (a) stop the debt rising and (b) rebalance the economy.

The word ‘rebalance’ there is a tad euphemistic, so let’s just recap the sad reality of Britain the trading nation over the last thirty years:

Britain has not enjoyed a trade surplus in goods since 1981….more than 30 years ago

This hopeless performance has been hidden by the quite remarkable ability of London’s investment banking bog paper peddlers to persuade foreigners that two sheets of Andrex might be worth £30billion. But those days are gone now – the news is out George: bog paper is full of sh*t. It’s meant to be full of sh*t. It’s what bog paper does. It’s flushed down the bog. We’re a busted flush mate.

Britain has been in overall current account deficit ever since the mid-1980s

Observe, Georgie-Peorgie de bum-bum: the trend continues. The UK goods trade deficit was £9.2bn in November – more than expected. To offset this, there was a £5.7bn surplus on services exports – less than expected. £5.7bn is smaller than £9.2bn, George: result – unhappiness.

And there’s more, George. Excluding oil and erratic items, the deficit on trade in goods was £22.3 billion in the three months to November. That deficit is only falling by 5.1% a quarter, George. It’ll be 2018 before, at this rate, we break even…even if you keep getting lucky, or fiddling the numbers, or whatever TF it is that you do all day between hookers and lines. But here’s the double-whammy, horribly ironic extra-fisting yard brush up the bumhole chum: the net total quarterly deficit is £10bn. Yes. Really. It’s getting worse, and so the debt’s getting bigger.

But the world’s heading into depression, and so by 2018, as things stand, the debt will be summink awful, George. Cross my heart and hope to die. I mean, you don’t even want to think about it buddy, although of course you must, as despite your utter incompetence, it is your job. So long story short and that, we’ll have gone broke by then, because interest rates won’t stay at zero. Really, George. You have to trust me: I know this kind of sh*t.

The only way we can win, dear George, is to get TFO of the EU now, dump that overhead – and toss the dice with one mega investment in selling I dunno diamond-studded platinum Purdeys or summat to China and India’s growing middle class. We may have to trample over dead Chinese workers to knock on their plutocratic doors George, we will have to rob our banks for the money, and we may even have to stop being such good friends with our special relatives over there in Cuckoo’s Nest 1. But it is the only hope we have, my little Exchequer-running startled rabbit. Here’s another factor:

Government spending in 2011-12 was £694.89bn – compared to £689.63bn in 2010-11

You got all that bleeding-heart liberal stuff from the fluffy press George, you pissed off all those educationalists and students, you got UNITE all wound up and yet you still have the Right on your back because you’re treading water. Bugger me if the bill isn’t getting bigger, I mean what is a chap to do?

What a fellow should do George is fire half of Whitehall, and sequester their illegally-approved pension emoluments. That would put us back on track to the tune of £1.35 trillion. Even better, rather than slowly reducing a debt, we’d be vapourising a fraudulent liability. Better still, there’d immediately be half as many screw-ups, because only half as many of those depraved intellectual dingos would be arsing about with train contracts and mail privatisations and other bollocks they don’t begin to understand.

However, you won’t do that…for the same reason the Greek pols won’t do that: because these slithering naysayers know about every last peccadillo, paedophile, payoff and perineum-licker, am I right? Of course I’m right.

But even if you did do something about Sir Humphrey, the debt will get bigger still, because the economy’s going down for the third time, and so the welfare bill will rise. And the eurozone collapse will swamp RBS and trust me, there aren’t enough scammable SMEs to pay that bill. That is gonna be one mother of a bill, Georgie. It’s gonna be a bill so big, it will be Portland f*cking bill, it will be Mayfair with ten hotels, it will be Bill the Chancellor-Impaling phallus with a ring of thorns round the bell-end careering through your brain from ear to ear Dealey Plaza action. You will be DOA.

Which is why I’d suggest you take this advice, stop being a trimming little Draper’s son, and shoot some craps in the big league. Stop putting out silly little distractions like £35m HBOS fraudsters being released on bail, and ordered to attend a hearing at Reading Magistrates Court. We don’t believe there’s any real justice out there going to get your lot, George; frankly, we don’t care any more. But if we go down this big my friend, two years from now you’ll be dressing up as Beardy Peace Camp Woman, and trying to slip through the security at Dover on a passport marked Gertrude Boot.

Think on it.

Sincerely

The Slog

Earlier at The Slog: Do The Bastards have Cameron surrounded?

 

 

41 thoughts on “THE TRADE DEFICIT….A word on the quiet to George Osborne:

  1. UK properly fooked. Moving to Canada. Enjoy the high house prices – let me know when you work out they can never be realised as they are built on debt and all the boomers can’t exit the market at once.

  2. George Oddspawn is currently holidaying at Malibu de bum-bum where he has reportedly contracted lobsterisimus bumikissimus. Jayne Mansfield apparently not involved.

    @Derek & Clive: we miss you terribly.

  3. One day, I wish John would come out and say what he really means.
    Seriously, though, where does this £1.35 trillion civil service pension number come from? I’d love to use it, but have asked many time and still have no idea about its provenance.

    • Presumably it is the estimated current total cost of civil service pensions.
      The problem is that it is not a quantified capital debt but an ongoing revenue liability and therefore is open to attack as being only a potential liabilty (e.g. all the civil servants may die suddenly all at once in which event there is no liability).
      Yes, it is playning with numbers and the money is still owed-but playing with numbers (economical with the actualite) is what our rulers do.

      • MC
        Precisely: it pains me to do it, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire – especially when the sorcerer’s apprentice is playing with fire.
        My beef is that at least £750bn of it never went near the PAC, but there isn’t a hack in England who wants to write about it.

    • I’d love to know where the idea that there is a fraudulent liability on those pensions has come from, or the idea that they have been increasing. As a civil servant of over 13 years, I can only say my pension terms have got considerably worse in that time. Maybe there are some lucky civil servants out there who are on a different pension scheme which has acquired better terms in that time, but I have seen no evidence of them. Considering the average civil service pension (before the lates round of cuts) was £6,000 p.a. (or £4,000 p.a. if you exclude the senior civil service), cutting them even more would seem to be pretty mean.

      Heaven forbid that this blog constructs rather than deconstructs bollocks.

  4. There is an article in the last Private Eye which tells us that George Osborne was originally named Gideon Osborne. However, he changed his name from Gideon to George while at school because, as he told a friend, he couldn’t see the British public voting for a prime minister with such a Jewish name as Gideon.

    • @Nick R. No, sorry, George isn’t jewish, even with a name like Gideon. He is part of the old Irish aristocracy, called the ‘Ascendancy’. His father, Sir Peter Osborne founded a firm of fabric & wall-paper designers, which is obviously why little George is so good(not) at papering over the cracks.

  5. “It’s gonna be a bill so big, it will be Portland f*cking bill”

    Mr Ward, you owe me a keyboard. Mine is full of coffee

    :o)

  6. You frequently read in the MSM “A vote for UKIP is a wasted vote. It’ll allow the Labour party to win”.

    Rather like a Labour voter been told that a Conservative vote is “a wasted vote” as it’ll only allow the Tories to win.

    The sick psychology of this “game” is extremely disturbing.

  7. Historically Britain has had some of the inventions in the world.
    Sadly this country is now geared so destructively towards SMEs that business and enterprise is a suicidal way of life.

  8. Well this is certainly one extraoridary article. Sack half the civil service? Great another few hundred thousand on the dole queue. Confiscate pensions? Brilliant we’ll all trust contract law after that, unless of course such a debt is legally odious.

    Debt and government spending are not the problem. The hijacking of such funds by the 1% is.

  9. George Osborne recently described tax avoidance as being morally repugnant.

    It’s good to see that he learnt such a strong ethical awareness when he studied at Eton…..registered charity number 1139086.

  10. jump, you f*cker jump, jump into this here blanket wot we are holding and you will be alright, he jumped ,hit the deck, broke his fackin neck, there was no blanket. laugh, we nearly shat, we have not laughed so much since grandma died or since auntie mabel caught her left tit in the mangle, we are miserable sinners, filthy f*ckers, aaaaarsoles! derek and clive, bless em.

    • @cc: You may know that Dudley was a musical prodigy – an organ scholar.. and a seriously good jazz pianist. I don’t know if you are into the jazz at all but I have a friend in Dublin, a guitar player called Louis Stewart – apart from being one of the really great musicians on the earth at this time, also one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.

  11. hiero i recall duds musical skills however his comic ability and his taste in gorgeous females was legendary. he set a fine example to shortarses everywhere. as for pete where do you begin? cc

  12. ”Harsh maybe, fair undoubtedly”

    The fair part is interesting. I know my Grandmother who left school at 14 and who worked full-time for 49 years, living through the bombing of Trafford Park and nursing her Normandy-veteran brother back to health, is relieved that she gets to sit at home every day now her day centre has been closed.

    I’m sure closing 200 libraries the last year alone was fair. And worth it too. And sacking all those public workers who took jobs where they could find them, plus the private companies which depend on public contracts. That’s fair.

    And now we hit those in receipt of child tax credit and working tax credit (subsidies for low paying bosses) and those bringing children into this world (maternity pay). Also fair.

    And all those kids who wanted to continue at sixth form but who couldn’t afford it, and all those who wanted to get a degree but don’t want a millstone of debt before they even finish. Totally fair.

    Meanwhile FTSE CEOs continue to award themselves double percentage digit pay rises for the same thing they did the year before in markets which are monopolised. That’s fair.

    And their companies which join the spivs and gangsters in tax haven land. Fair enough.

    Yeah, why not

  13. Pingback: THE SATURDAY ESSAY: starving the omnivores | The Slog. 3-D bollocks deconstruction

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