Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

EnglanddefenceriotLuddite writes from Moss Side to ask:

‘Can you explain the significance of the phrase “You f**king black ****”?’

I think this is a nice gentle one to start off with. The truly offensive word here is b***k, which you have for your own reasons (horrid racism mainly, I presume) chosen to reproduce in full. Or rather, such offence is the case of you are a b***k male. If you were instead to be a feminist of any hue, then the more offensive word would be ****. As most feminists are Labour supporters, they would also find b***k offensive, and probably campaign to have the word b***k asterisked further to *****. So a narcissist pc vicar would have written ‘*** ******* ***** ****’.

Personally, for the sake of good gender and race relations in our structurally racist mysoginist State, I think the use of asterisks should be expanded until 100% of all offensive words are in a letter-free space, and courses in asteriskisation are on offer at all Universities. The  great advantage of asteriskisation is that it would give those in charge a much-needed opportunity to hide behind them, and thus avoid a lot of impertinent questions from what Prince ****** is wont to call “*********** sticking their noses into things that don’t concern them”. There is far too much news today anyway, and far too many people with minor foibles like *** ****** are being dragged before pointless committees of *** to suffer at the hands of those who do not have the bigger picture because they are drink-sodden *****.

I do hope that clarifies the issue, you cupid *****.

A regular reader of Dr Fuller-Bollix’s wisdom is Liberalcontroversy. She asks:

‘Now that China is slowing down and the eurocrisis is speeding up, Should we be rolling up our sleeves, or pulling our socks up?’

Let’s be clear about this, there is no slowing down in China. Only this afternoon I was studying their traffic statistics, and it’s clear to me that speeding offences have been growing steadily year by year for some time. And there is no eurocrisis: the crisis in the eurozone has been caused by greasy, lazy fat people wobbling about in vests not paying their taxes. The actual currency itself is in fine shape, sort of rectangular with very pretty colours, and I have it on the best authority that Signor Draghi at the Central Bank is making so much money, he will be able to retire very soon. So there can’t be that much wrong now, can there?

As to rolling and pulling, the Holy American Economist Milton Friedman once remarked that it was “better to roll up your money in a sock than be a Communist”, so maybe there is a clue to something there. Tommy Cooper often said “Pull the other one”, and there is very probably something in that too.

A keen German Slogger Erika the Red wants to know:

‘Do you think Iran is stonewalling the IAEC about access to its nuclear sites, and if so, is it developing nuclear weapons?’

The obvious answer is ‘no’ and ‘no’, although in fact that is two answers, although the anwers are both the same, although the same one plus the same one still makes two.

Look, ask yourself this: why would Iran want to have nuclear weapons? I mean, apart from threatening to reduce Israel to a nuclear pancake, when has Mr Ahmadinnajhad ever threatened anyone? I expect of course that the Commission will find nuclear devices at the sites once the Iranians let them see everything as they so clearly will being very reasonable people. And we can then be sure that these will have been planted there by Mossad agents in pursuit of their clear goal of world domination by Zionist elders with an average age of 141 who mysteriously escaped from Hitler’s death camps because there were no death camps in the first place it was all a Jew-lie put about by the Jew Churchill and his creature De Gaulle, the latter having as everyone knows been the product of an unwise marriage between a Jew and a member of the De Bergerac dynasty.

You only have to look at a map of the Middle East to see Israel’s intentions. Why, could you find two more well-read and reasonable men than David Cameron and Recep Erdogan? Of course not, but if there’s one thing they agree on it’s that the Israelis are putting to death thousands of innocent Hamas missiles every week when all they ask is the right to bomb the living shit out of some Yids who shouldn’t even be there at all, so they can create a Holy Islamic Homeland where everyone can live secure in the knowledge that the Muslim Brotherhood has no evil intentions towards anyone but don’t forget that the Crusaders started it you Christian heretic heathen infidels may Allah strike your women down with stones and your progeny rot in the infamy of Hell forever Behead Democrats Allah Aqbah!!!!!!

And finally, Trollmeister of Wapping wishes to know:

‘When oh when oh when are we going to stop Murdoch bashing?’

This is a very pertinent question. I am reminded of the famous prediction by Miltstradamus, “When the Antipodean star lies close to uranus, wise men will rent their braces and declare that Britain isn’t open for business”. My God, what a genius Milt was: how clearly he saw that Lord Murdochson was and is the One True Light, and that not even Doctor Who could keep The Tabloids from their historic destiny as Hackers of the Phone and worshippers of the Newscorpse, which will surely rise again when James the cocksucker crows thrice, thence to install King David of Camerlot at the right hand of The Almighty Digger in his celestial Tabernacle of Tosh.

But to answer your question, I think Roop-bashing has already eased, because people have moved back to the bankers via the Sprouts and Krauts. The time may thus soon be ripe to make Aussiephobia a criminal offence, and Rebekah Brooks a Dame of the Murdoch Empire.

There is no end to the scorched-earth, anarchic damage these infernal and relentless critics of capitalism are prepared to wreak in their senseless attacks on enlightened greed, and it seems to me that it is down to cheerleaders like the admirable educational philanthropist Mr Jeremy **** to restore News International to its rightful Constitutional role as the organisation most likely to guide the cops and the pols back to the righteous path of all things Wide and Wongaful, all features editors facing no charges at all.

Fear not, Trollmeister: we right-headed people know – as did The Good Lord Miltstradamus – that trickle-down bungs will always triumph in the end.

33 thoughts on “Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

  1. What the evil scum going to do about the fact that couch grass grows just about everywhere? I only have to dig a few roots up , wash it, bruise the roots and make a brew of it in boiling hot water, and drink the tea for a few days. Its great stuff, and works a treat, and I will shake off this nasty cough. All they’ve done is make it a bit inconvenient for me, but what makes me see red is that the way I found out how good this stuff is was because my local herbalist prescribed it, so now other people, unless they have someone tell them wont know about this medicine because it wont be on the herbalists shelves any more.
    In a way I am glad they picked on my couch grass medicine to ban, not only is it extremly silly and it might make people actually sit up and take notice for that reason, but also if I hadnt gone to get my medicine and come back empt handed I wouldnt have found out about the dirty two bladed tricks that these pratts are playing on the herbalists. They dont want us to be healthy and well, I can see that much, thats why they let so many American junk food merchants sell millions of gobs of warm fat to their not junk food hooked customers all over the world.

      • Yet another computer glitch Barbara, it’s getting tiresome don’t you think?

        Russians, Chinese or Homeland security trying out their various cyber weapons, edging as close as they can supposedly unseen.

        It’ll probably bring out the allegations of yet another Zionist plot to rule the world again, not that they’ve ever done before, but that’s a minor detail.

        Still, it’ll give the conspiracists something to conspire about until Islam rules the world and IT becomes a thing of the past unless its Islamic Theology being discussed and the topics can only be things of the past.

  2. JW – And we can then be sure that these will have been planted there by Mossad agents in pursuit of their clear goal of world domination by Zionist elders with an average age of 141 who mysteriously escaped from Hitler’s death camps because there were no death camps in the first place it was all a Jew-lie put about by the Jew Churchill and his creature De Gaulle, the latter having as everyone knows been the product of an unwise marriage between a Jew and a member of the De Bergerac dynasty
    Whoops, there are one or two sloggers who might agree with this.
    ps. there is rumour that the lead singer of the Ed Miller Band might not have been religiously circumcised which is why he aims to bankrupt taxpayers

  3. I have to *** I ******* this **** more than any I have **** for some ****!
    Keep ** the good **** John. You are a ****** ***** in dark ******.

    • Never mind the good doctor. Doubtless the reporting agencies make mistakes from time to time and are sometimes snowed by traders. Give me a decent reason to disbelieve the final parags of the D.Tel article:

      The reporting agencies have hit back at claims their prices are open to distortion. In a joint statement, Platts and Argus said there are “fundamental differences” in the way Libor and oil prices are reported.

      “Independent price reporting organisations are independent of and have no vested interest in the oil and energy markets,” they said. “Their ownership is transparent, and strict internal governance separates editorial and commercial functions. Independent price reporting organisations are not market participants, nor providers of transaction execution, clearing or settlement services.”

      Platts added that there are four main differences between oil prices and Libor – the quality of its data, its independence, competition between reporting agencies and the transparency of its methodology

      • @InTel …. Platts reporters are not renowned for their knowledge or perception – basically they often do not understand the market – sometimes they don`t even understand the technical terms – and thus:
        A) repeat what they think they were told, i.e. even if they misheard something they still repeat it because they do not understand that what they are saying is illogical rubbish
        B) they tend to listen to “he who shouts loudest”… so nice kind traders talk to them all the time just to “assist” them in knowing where the market is……..
        Furthermore in some OTC oil markets either Platts or Argus has a monopoly – so there is no competition
        Furthermore Platts provides “transaction execution” via their “EWindow” for both physical oil cargoes and for OTC derivataives

  4. all things considered, i feel that justice of the peace riddle was most remiss not to have questioned john terry as to whether he used the word “black” in its discriminative political sense or purely as a plain and innocuous physical descriptor.

  5. John Milton (1645):

    I did but prompt the age to quit their cloggs
    By the known rules of antient libertie,
    When strait a barbarous noise environs me
    Of Owles and Cuckoes, Asses, Apes and Doggs.
    As when those Hinds that were transform’d to Froggs
    Raild at Latona’s twin-born progenie
    Which after held the Sun and Moon in fee.
    But this is got by casting Pearl to Hoggs;
    That bawle for freedom in their senceless mood,
    And still revolt when truth would set them free.
    Licence they mean when they cry libertie;
    For who loves that, must first be wise and good;
    But from that mark how far they roave we see
    For all this wast of wealth, and loss of blood.

      • @H

        thankyou. Your mentioning “back then” could be an explanation for the failure of modern British industry? No clogs made = no clogs sold.

        I could be wrong …

      • Prepared in advance for an intelligent Troll to wander by …

        The real Gemz: Gee! Jer know wot, I did sumfin really good today. It means I’m clevver. Really, really clevver. Inter … inter … inter – sumfink

        Gemz:Intelligent?

        The real Gemz:Yer, thassit. Inter … dang,

        Gemz:Intelligent – so what did you do that is so wonderful?

        The real Gemz: I wish yer wouldn’t use long words like that. Confuddles me, it do. I copied and pasted a picture! It is really hard work and takes a lot of brains. I got brains, too, yer see!

        Gemz: So, you copied someone’s picture for someone else, did you think to ask their permission?

        The real Gemz: Wot? Fink? Nope. that makes my head hurt. Trollikins doesn’t do that. Hurts head. The inside bit, not my hair. That’s on the outside. Nope. Don’t do fink stuff.

        Gemz: I guessed you might not have. Don’t you think that is immoral?

        The real Gemz: Yer don’t see many of them round ‘ere. I’m only doing my job, like wot I’m told to. They chain yer to a computer thingy … yer gotta do sumfink, right? I mean, wot if yer didn’t do nuffin.

        Gemz: So you have a job? Do you get much for it?

        The real Gemz: Aw, yes. We get lots. We get to eat in a rest-o-ront. Every day too.

        Gemz: Real food?

        The real Gemz: Oh, yes! And we get to choose which colour it is each day, we can choose between red or blue, and annuver one. Green. Thassit. Remembered, see. Only I always get stuck between ‘em, it is hard to choose between fings, yer know. I just pick the first one I see. Then you eat it, right. If you want you can even sit down in the rest-o-ront. Like on the floor an’ all. Real posh stuff, yer! Like, Sundays, see, we get round food instead of square too. It makes it different, right?

        Read more … “Dining Out With Troll #35″
        http://eintroll.blog.de/2012/07/16/dining-out-with-troll-14123977/

  6. Finding it hard to find a few laughs this morning, which is not helped by discovering the Home Office has wasted £500,000 on rubber bullets that dont meet safety standards in the UK and can’t be fired……unless we reserve them for T.May and anyone else involved in organising the Olympics.

  7. JW
    Suggest you go to the original speech by Ahmadinajad.
    He was quoting Khomeini and the true translation(I speak Farsi,
    but you can google a translation)is;
    “The REGIME in Jerusalem will fade from the pages of history.”
    The Iranians need nukes before the West ‘liberates’ their oil.
    How dare they sell oil in anything but US $.
    Truly dangerous for Pax Americana , and its nuke armed
    Israeli stooge..
    A danger to anyone else.Not at present..
    They will not build a bomb until they have to.
    They will build the capability

  8. WOW JW it is hard to understand how you can be astute on financial matters and quite myopic and biased on geo political affairs. Don’t worry John you will soon get the war you want with Iran only a matter of time, and of course it will be to save us from their despotic evil plans to kill us all.

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