Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

First out of the starting blocks today is Redfrontnowsmashbanks who asks:

“What do you think about Google launching a tablet to beat off Ipad?”

I think it’s a tremendous breakthrough. Ipaditis (an obsession with wittering on about how IPad changed one’s life) is one of the great unexplained neurological diseases of our time. Until now, the only cure was to kill the witterer, but now that Google has moved into the medical sphere, launching a tablet to ward off this crippling illness is surely a sign that everything is possible.

I understand that Mr Lansley is in discussions with this well-known philanthropic brand to take over South London Healthcare, and I welcome this giant leap into a future where we can cut waiting times in half, and use the savings to double the cost. The NHS is yesterday, it is history. The future’s bright, and the darkest hour is just before dawn breaks the mould. Hurrah!

And a question today from Pansykiller in Norwich:

“When did homosexuals first appear in our midst?”

That’s an easy one, Pansykiller. It was around the time gardening first became fashionable. This appears to have happened during the earlier Greek Republics, when the first semi-detached suburban gardens began to appear. Many wives deserted their totally heterosexual men and began to plant silly nancy flowers that we real men have no interest in whatsoever….to the extent that it became an obsession greater than sex. Thus denied their conjugal rights, some weaker men took to emulating their wives, and became flower arrangers.

It was but a small step from such nonsense for flower-arranging men to form clubs and begin doing illegal things with vegetables, fists, and  bottoms. Later still, the women of Troy made things even worse by denying their war-making men regular and strange filth. Not only did this lower the birthrate, it increased the raging screamer rate.

The major turning point, however, was the invention of air travel and feminism, each of which together created a pressing need for skinny young men with anally short hair mincing up and down the aisles of 747s with pursed lips. This probably explains the derivation of the word ‘purser’.

Since then, homosexuals have become an ever-increasing blight in our lives. In my opinion, the only answer is to send them all to Russia, whose homoerotic leader seems to be exactly the kind of chap they’re after.

And this from Makethemsweepchimneyswhilethefire’salight:

“Why did the Daily Telegraph choose to undergo commenting maintenance during the day?”

This is the sort of thing I know a thing or two about, and it’s a terrible thing to see such things being done. But the thing is, it’s all a Labour plot to stop any more people slagging off that perfectly good Labour leader and all-round adenoidista Ed Miliband. Publish and be damned, that’s what I say.

It is a well known fact that there are at least 27 million unemployed people in Britain, most of whom are IT nerds who would work through the night for nothing, or as galley slaves in the Queen’s barge, and then sleep under the perfectly adequate cover of trees – just for the chance of a job interview with Microsoft or, at a pinch, Alan Sugar. So the idea that the Sarkograph can’t get itself together to sort things out when we’re all asleep is ridiculous. I see the evil hand of UNITE in all this. I suspect they are going bust, and did this to distract attention from, um, the fact that Harriet Harman is a word that the lawyers just told me I can’t use.

In the meantime, eurofilofax has demanded to know:

“What do you make of Angela Merkel saying there will be no eurobonds in her lifetime?”

Goodness me, has she really said that? If she has, then I suspect this is a sprat to catch two birds in the bush. Or possibly yet another sign that it’s always darkest under the lighthouse.

After all, such a threat could be viewed as a hostage to misfortune.

To be honest, I haven’t a clue on this one, you’ll have to ask someone else.

OK, moving swiftly on now, Toryscumdeservegarrotting wonders:

“What should be done with the House of Lords?”

Now this is much more like it. Nick Clegg has rightly pointed at that he expects the Conservatives to do a lot, and I think that’s fair. Lords reform isn’t a tickling contest, you can’t do a little: only a lot will get the right result. More is also good. Going that extra mile through the concentric circles of genetic inheritance and contributions to Party funds needs a broad brushstroke sweeping clean that bit more than, say, sitting and thinking about even more radical ways of doing it, and entertaining silly ideas like not electing any of them. Let’s be clear about this: more is better than less, but even more must be avoided at all costs.

I think that’s what Mr Clegg is saying, and for my money he’s hit the nail right on the head. Or mised the nail, hit his thumbnail, and is yelling his head off. One of the two.

More from Dr Fuller-Bollix soon.

15 thoughts on “Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix

  1. “What do you make of Angela Merkel saying there will be no eurobonds in her lifetime?”

    The Hun Certainty Principle.

  2. Waiter in Indian restaurant tried to take our order with iPad last night: wifi failed, so came back with graphite+papyrus technology upgrade.

    Also, the problem with getting rid of more toffs in Lords would mean more toffs finding ‘cabinet jobs’ in Commons …

    • yes they are croping up in places where they are completly uneeded. I went to a gogan exposition last year and low and behold for a small fee you were given a touch screen device that told you the history and story behind the paintings.

      I have a laptop and a smart phone – as it is I already spend too much time looking at pixels. The last thing I need is something inbetween. Then again I was the last in my school year to submit and get a mobile phone (in 2002), as I saw them as unnessisary too…

  3. I think Angela has inadvertanly let the cat out of the bag…..Last night she says….
    “…… there will be no eurobonds in her lifetime ”

    This morning she says……
    “….. that joint debt liability can only come once controls on national states are in place”

    Ergo……she does not expect fiscal controls on EZ national states to happen in her lifetime……..Anyone else hear the distant rumbling of printing presses in Munich ?

    • Well, somebody bought all that banknote paper recently and De La Rue share prices have shot up. Somebody is planning a big print and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out it’s ze germans.

  4. I accidentally double Fisted a young man at the local swimming pool. It was a once in a lifetime event that probably required all of the stars, timing, breathing etc, to be in alignment. He was doing breast stroke and I came up behind him (no pun intended) at twice his speed doing the butterfly stroke.

    I don’t believe it makes either of us homosexual as there were no flowers, and I don’t believe either of us actually enjoyed the experience. I remember lots of screaming (another homosexual trait) and me having to physically put my feet on his buttocks and push with all of my might, just to get my hands back.

    It wasn’t until later in the day that I noticed my wedding ring was missing, but thankfully, it turned up at the front desk a few days later, cleaner than the day I first put it on.

    Although I still see him often, we’ve never had the courage to swim in the same lane since that day.

    Am I a homosexual John, or do you think it was just a phase?

  5. Closet tri-athlete: My own humble opinion is that you were curious, you tried it out (in aquatic environment……each to their own an all that), but you didn’t enjoy it. So no, you’re not a homosexual.

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