Welcome to a new feature – The Slog’s uniquely Agonising Uncle Dr Conan Fuller-Bollix. He’ll be here regularly from now on to answer all those questions that always puzzled you, such as why is there no alternative, will the euro go to Heaven when it dies, how does trickle-down wealth work, does David Cameron think, and how does the Labour Party elect a deadbeat as Leader every time.
For the full low-down on Conan’s career, go here.
*The management would like to stress that Dr Fuller-Bollix guarantees only to answer the questions, not have the answer. Answers can be right as well as wrong, and their past value is no guide to future prices. Always speak to your financial advisor first before acting on the advice offered here. Don’t drop litter. Eat five a day.
♠ ♠ ♠ ♠ ♠
Our first question today comes from Deborah the Accountant Slayer:
“Is Britain going down the plughole, and if so, where is it?”
After extensive research conducted by Left Labour for a Single-Gender Politburo, it has been established beyond much doubt that Britain is not going down the plughole, but it will unless we go back to what is was doing when it first started going down the plughole. However, the small village of Plughole-on-Wye contains a large black hole with a metal rim and a great many pubic hairs stuck in it all the time, and some observers have suggested that this might have something to do with Britain’s draining resources.
I have been advising the Chancellor Mr George Draper on how to cut things without any giveaways like falling expenditure, and I think we would all have to agree that, ongoingforwardmost, we have had inconspicuous success in the space. My own question is this: if Britain really is draining away down a large plughole, why are we financially underwater all the time? Nevertheless, the as yet unexplained phenomenon of rain pelting down for months on end, and then disappearing before morphing into gigantic water company management bonuses is an interesting one, and could be explained by plugholes.
The domestic role of plugholes (to be blocked all the time) is also not apparent. I have long argued that melting down fat people and poor people before pouring them down any large plugholes discovered is almost certainly one solution to the problem. Further research is needed before a definitive decision can be first reached and then changed.
And the second question from What you all Moaning About is:
“Does making Jimmy Carr pay more tax show that Britain isn’t open for business?”
No, most certainly not, because Show Business doesn’t count, and anyway he has repeatedly failed my mould-changing Critical Laugh Analysis. However, the removal of Mr Freddie Goodwin’s knighthood was a clear sign that Britain is closed to successful entrepreneurs, and goes some way towards explaining the further economic slowdown we have seen since that gratuitously hysterical action was taken. Also, the fact that James Hunt used a property fiddle to avoid £100,000 last year is classic politicking considering he did nothing illegal. Nor is there anything suspicious in the allegation about him bailing out his brother and then swapping losses from one company to another. Nor is there any sign whatsoever that his company did anything monopolitistic or cronyist in its dealings with the British Council. Nor did he have any company links to Newscorp via his company Hotcourses. Nor did he send texts saying things like “Open the Bolly James, we’re nearly there”. And finally, he most emphatically did not lie to the House of Commons, but was merely the victim of oversights among his staff about the existence of 163 electronic communications between himself and News International.
I hope that clears up this cynical attempt to reveal what Jeremy Hunt is about, and that he can now look forward with some pride to his next job as Education Secretary with no stain on his tie. I have been working with Jeremy for some time now, and advising him on cutting-edge school ideas such as ‘Subscribe to the Sunday Times, win a free exemption from doing sport and watch Sky Cricket instead’.
And today’s final question is from Tory Scumeron Bastard, who asks:
“Is the NHS safe in the hands of scumbag capitalist swines such as eg all Tories are?”
No need to beat about the bush with me TSB, although swine is the same in both singular and plural. No of course the NHS is not safe in the hands of a man like Andrew Lansley, who has several times turned down offers of hep from me that could’ve avoided all this ghastly fuss. I agree wholeheartedly with Ed Miliband who wants to reverse all the reforms and go back to things the way they were, when all the Foundation Trusts were doing well and the patients seemed jolly happy, or dead.
I myself advised Stafford Hospital on how to hide bodies, change death certificates, turn up pissed to operations without getting caught, and bribe the odd undertaker, although only if absolutely necessary. The system was working perfectly well then, but now it is being destroyed and as we can see, even the doctors are forced to go on strike in order to defend their pensions, free weekends, pharmco lunches and £270,000 salaries plus whatever totally deserved wonga they can make when Sir Bitchard Ransom makes them an offer they can’t refuse until reading the small print.
The NHS currently works very well via a judicious mixture of saving money on tests and drugs, always having reserves of staff except at the weekends when nobody gets ill, and the strategic benefits of hiring people with Harvard Degrees who draw criss-cross lines and supply documents that can double as door-wedges during hot weather, thus saving on the air-conditioning bill. It costs the country considerably less than the National Debt and is the sure sign of a civilised and well-fed social sector.
If you have a question for Dr Fuller-Bollix, write in the first person to email@example.com