At the End of the Day

Beware bunga-bunga invites, busking, and burglars bearing security advice

“Oooooh, it’s like a little firework in my mouth,” said a very gay contestant in Come Dine with Me tonight, in describing a spicy crab fishcake served up by the hostess. It was too much for the other people around the table, and it was far too much for me. I know it’s childish, but my youth was spent fnar-fnarring after Sunday lunch at Round the Horne.

One gets strange days like these; it’s part of the variety of conscious existence. George Clooney was among more than 200 witnesses accepted today by a Milan court in the trial of former Premier Silvio Berlusconi for allegedly paying for sex with an underage prostitute. It seems that Clooney accepted a Berlusconi bunga-bunga invite just the once, but didn’t inhale. “I went there to speak about Darfur,” he said, with a straight face.

Famous mezzo soprano Katherine Jenkins normally fills concert halls, but decided today that she’d busk instead. The 31-one-year-old star  performed for 45 minutes, earning about £10. One (1) passer-by said she’d been moved to tears. “That’s amazing,” said Jenkins, when told about it. I’m not quite sure how to interpret that. Did she mean to be modest, or did she mean “I’m amazed that anyone should be moved to tears by my awful singing”? We shall never know. And I still don’t know why she did the gig in the first place…..although allegedly, she gave the ten quid to a homeless charity. Much better to give it to a charity with an office at least, love.

High point of the day for me was learning that a 16 year-old serial burglar had been coached to send a letter of remorse to his last victims. The missive turned into a biting critique of their domestic security arrangements, including the classic phrase, ‘…you were thick enough to leave your downstairs kitchen window open. I wouldn’t do that in a million years’. You have to admit, he has a point. The prison said that the decision was taken to release the letter to the media as a warning to householders to secure their properties.

This could catch on in a big way. A year or two from now, I can foresee a letter from Lloyd Blankfein to all those pauperised by him doing God’s work with such zeal. ‘I don’t feel sorry for none of you, you sat back and watched Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while I was busy living the dream at your expense hahahahahahaaa”. James Murdoch might write from his prison cell to suggest that, “Instead of reading the tabloid sh*te my family sold on the pretext that it was a newspaper, you would’ve been better served paying attention during the run-up to the Iraq War’. We must all nurture our dreams, and this one is mine.

But a piece in today’s Dacre Wail beats this story by a country mile. A wealthy Aussie bloke decided it would be useful to synchronise his alarm system cameras with his Ipad, so that while he was enjoying a sunshine break in Mauritius, he could check the place out back home, and ensure that everything was tickerty-boo. Imagine his relief when on the second day over breakfast, he watched burglars ransacking his home while he was a long way away on the paradise Indian Ocean island.

He told the media, ‘I was shocked. I was watching them for a good two minutes before I called the cops. I didn’t know what to do.’ So then, TechnoMan, why the f**k did you want to keep an eye on your home in the first place? Anyway, it all turned out well in the end. Two men, aged 32 and 55, were arrested at the scene of the raid. The Herald Sun reported that both had been charged with burglary and theft – and are due to appear in court next month.

We should perhaps expect an acerbic, unapologetic letter in due course, along the lines of  “I’m not sorry I done your place. You was asking for it you rich pillock with your poncey holidays in the Indian Ocean, and also you taking our pictures like what you done is a diabolical infringement of our human rights”.

21 thoughts on “At the End of the Day

  1. There’s just a clunk of realité there, John.
    In Sweden – yes it HAD to be Sweden – even more PC than your orninary council jobswurf – there aren’t so many CTV cameras around.
    It’s OK to CTV your private premises but it’s NOT OK to have your cameras overlooking public areas. So when a burglar was nabbed with CTV evidence that he was raiding this shop, he was able to get off with the ‘human rights’ excuse that the shopkeeper’s camera was covering the pavement outside his shop and THEREFORE INFRINGING THE BURGLAR’S RIGHT TO PRIVACY under human rights law.
    Hmmmm

  2. As a shameless plug of NZ’s Hayley Westenra at the expense of Katherine Jenkins, KJ while a pretty girl with a nice voice she has never sung a meaningful song in her life. Here is Hayley singing one of the most evocative songs in NZ history at one of the greatest days in our lives, and keeping it together. Hayley was discovered at age 12 by CTV in Christchurch who ealier this year had their studios demolished by the earthquake in full public gaze, including the lingering images of the kids of a mother lost in the rubble waiting fruitelssly for news of her survival. The song is best known in NZ as the song sung by the Maori women saying goodbye to the men of the NZ 28th Maori battalion leaving to fight in WWII. Gracie Fields heard it on a trip to NZ and the song became a hit, Bing Crosby took up the baton and the song was a huge hit in the late 40′s in the states. It’s our song though and it brings us to tears on special occasions when we are saying goodbye to people.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoSQqW0Ulv8&feature=related

  3. Memory’s John. Dear old kenneth,so droll. I think one of the gay guys was called Sandy. The other radio programme,we liked was the Goon Show. My father who knew Spike Milligan,said he was just as off the wall at home, as he was in the show.

  4. Prefer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’s version of Now Is The Hour (Po Ata Ran) – cant find a link, I have it on CD in UK.

    OAH – Did you see Amazing Grace the movie, saw it twice at the movies and I have DVD – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454776/ predictably Clarkson was my “man”

    But what I came back to ask was, is anyone else is struck by the the sentences handed down in the “cricket fixing” scandal (total 5 years). Yet the various people we talk about here – Murdochs, Blankfein, Brown, Rubin, Fat Larry, Beka Brookes, Coulson etc, who stuff up peoples lives, turn them into paupers, kill them even, don’t even get charged, let alone chucked in the nick.

    Who was the victim of the cricket spot fixing, no one because they were stitched up by the News of the World. If it had been real spot fixing, then who would have been the victim – some illegal bookies in Mumbai or Karachi. They bowled a couple of no balls, they didn’t kill anyone, no ones pension was in danger, the outcome of the match wasn’t altered.

    The players also had their livelihoods trashed by the ICC.

    Sorry I just don’t get it – and its been raining here since Sunday.

    • Great points. We all know that the Murdochs et all won’t get what they deserve because there is no rule of law for the Establishment. Look at Bush n Blair – war criminals. The Hague – forget it! ghadaffi – lots of handwring because he did not stand trial – but did the Establishment want their dirty laundry exposed to a trial. Hell no! Let’s see if Saif survives to a trial.

      This summer’s rioters – make up the charges and sentences as we go along. This was too much to suffer for the Establishment for the rule of law to apply! Cricket cheaters. By God sir, got to show those Paks who is charge! Can’t have this sort of nonsense in the Empire.

      Our elites are struggling to remain in charge and as a result our societies are suffering. .

    • Have a connection to the real life of the film to Associates of Willberforce and Fox and thus Elizabeth Fry.

      as to the song ~ Judy Collins’ version?

    • @RP
      as a side issue, and a fluffy one at that, are these guys at the top actually happy?

      I know that they are rich and can sit at nice tables – but to be quite honest, when it was going well with my now ex and the kids, I could not have been happier. A warm home in winter, lots of sunshine in the summer – and rain of course: but somehow, just like now, I made the best of what I had (have) and not the worst.

      There are so many people greedy for more money, and once they have it want but more because it is not enough. The same with power or anything else. They are dissatisfied — how then can they be happy?

      • F****ed if I know Gemz – I hope they’re as miserable as sin

        Dame Elisabeth Murdoch (Rupert’s Mum) is still alive, she’s a 102 years old, and she’s still working for charity, her garden is open most weekends for free. She is very much loved, so I hope she is happy,

        As I often say “Less is Better, Least is Best”

  5. More Bollocks – Climategate 2.0: Fresh Trove of Embarrassing Emails
    All our models are wrong’, writes Jones

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/11/23/climategate_2_first_look/ snippet

    “The science is being manipulated to put a political spin on it which for all our sakes might not be too clever in the long run,” laments one scientist, Peter Thorne. While Professor Jagadish Shukla, a lead IPCC author, IGES founder, and one of the most senior climate experts writes that, “It is inconceivable that policymakers will be willing to make billion-and trillion-dollar decisions for adaptation to the projected regional climate change based on models that do not even describe and simulate the processes that are the building blocks of climate variability.”

    If you download the emails, be aware there are versions on Russian servers that you probably want to avoid – there are 5292 emails

    Will this trail of mendacity never end – at least its stopped raining

    • And what impact does any of this have on our policymakers? Zilch. It’s the same old crap. Climate change is the new religion and they are the modern papits. Let’s hope the Roundheads win again.

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