EXCLUSIVE: Brafman tells Strauss-Kahn, “Lose weight”

DSK…trying to be diminutive

In New York, fat cats are bad news. It’s the thin end of the wedge for Dominic

In a major tip of the hat to the way New Yorkers judge folks, The Slog understands that Dominic Strauss-Kahn’s legal representative Ben Brafman has instructed his client to lose a load of weight. A source close to the issue tells me, “Brafman is a shrewd cookie. Being obese in smart New York is close to having infectious leprosy. Even a person taking up half a block thinks being a fat celebrity is bad news. If you’re on trial for allegedly pinning a Muslim woman to the floor, being a fat cat isn’t the way to win over the jury”.

Two other locals in turn felt the advice made sense. “Going into the Courtroom thin would be good,” says one, “It says to the jury that the accused is suffering big-time. Look, this is exactly what Goering did at Nuremburg”.

In truth, Goering lost weight because the Allies took his anxiolitic drugs away from him. Also, he was found guilty. At which point, he took a cyanide pill hidden up his backside. This last is renowned as a way to lose weight bigtime. But those small issues aside, this is I suppose exactly the sort of cosmetic advice that makes Ben Brafman more than your common-or-garden conveyancing solicitor.

Meanwhile, Murdoch’s New York Post is getting increasingly desperate in its attempts to blacken the cheese-eating-surrender-Frog-bigshot’s character. The latest revelation is that DSK is cheap. The Post story is picked up by The New York Magazine: confirming that Strauss-Kahn is keen to take Brafman’s weight-loss strategy, the paper notes that ‘We may never know exactly what’s going on inside his head, but we do know he’s eating Lean Cuisine, and he’s a bad tipper: he took in a six-bag grocery order that included healthy fare like boneless, skinless chicken breast, Lean Cuisine meals and Crystal Light. “They never tip,” said Danny Cotto after dropping off a box from Espresso Coffee….’

Rumours that Mr Cotto will be called by the DA as a witness are entirely unfounded.

The French rarely tip. First off, they believe only in tipping for performing above and beyond the call of duty: they see tipping a guy for doing his job as stupid – a view with which I tend to agree. And second, most Gallic restaurants say clearly on the menu, ‘La service est compris’. Waving dollars around simply isn’t part of their culture.

Either way, one wonders what Brafman’s next piece of spin counsel might be. Mince into the dock each morning? Develop an Irish accent? The possibilities are endless.

Related: Why DSK will struggle to get a fair trial in New York City.  DA sets sights on making DSK a gender-criminal.

3 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE: Brafman tells Strauss-Kahn, “Lose weight”

  1. JW,
    You fail to mention the obvious – paint your face black.
    Seriously, should he look smart or wear his usual clobber.

  2. Hi John,
    Your pen-ultimate advice – “Develop an Irish accent” – please explain…
    Yours mystified,
    G

  3. wow.. this is what i am searching for.. nice post, i need something like this :D thanks., Bookmarked your fantastic website. Really good work, unique writing style!…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s